Derpédex
by C7sus4
Summary: Starting out on a journey? Couldn't afford a normal pokédex? Then this is for you. This is your guide to the world of pokémon for now. Lucky you. Rated M for graphic language, among other things.
1. Absol

A/N: Here's the first chapter of a series of one-shots I plan to update periodically. It will contain little entries on "derpy" Pokémon, as well as ones I just find weird or creepy.

**Warning: This fic contains, among other stupid things;**

**References to violence (Yes. Just yes.)**

**Suggestive themes (Maybe)**

**Some Goddamn swears (do you even need to check?)**

**The painful/humorous truth behind your favorite Pokémon (hopefully humorous, that is)**

**Me going full retard (Or, as it's more commonly known, "Remains being Remains")**

**References to drugs and alcohol (don't do either, kids!)**

**References to Pink Floyd (Because Pink Floyd needs more references, dammit!)**

**Pop culture references (Well, I tried)**

**Bullshit (an overabundance of)**

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><p><strong>Derpydex Chapter 1: Absol<strong>

Okay, let's get started with this ABSOLute stupidity (see what I did there?). First off, do you _really _need me to explain why Absol is on this list? I'm assuming yes, because the look on your theoretical face is like, "WTF Absol". Well, just look at it… It's like Arceus decided to take every slasher film ever made and roll it into one quadruped, then make it homicidal. There's not a whole lot of proof that it's homicidal, but I'm pretty sure the first thing anyone with a body 90% sword would do is murder the innocent. I imagine the creation process went something like this; the ambiguously gendered legendaries were acting derpy, especially Arceus. My rendition of the process:

Mew: Arceus, are you drunk?

Arceus: (hic) N-no… I'm (hic) okay… Now what do you (hic) think of this'un?

Mew: …Are those swords?

Arceus: (guffaws) Yes! I'm not (hic) drunk! (Pukes, then falls over and passes out from alcohol poisoning. Which, I must add, is weird. You'd think a God-allegory legendary would be immune to alcohol…)

Seriously, look me in the eye and tell me Arceus wasn't drunk or high during this thing's conception. At the very least he did what I do every Friday night; grind up Pink Floyd C.D.'s, then snort the powder. It gives the same effect as Cocaine, but without the horrible side effects.

Now, for the personality. Absol are kind, friendly creatures. They often display affection to their trainers through "Love Bites", or, in normal cases, "Love holy-shit-you-cut-out-my-damn-spine!" Oh, did I mention the whole thing about natural disasters? No? Well, these things are rumored to cause disasters. It's obviously bullshit, but just know that your superstitious neighbors may or may not burn you and this drunken accident of a Pokémon at the stake. That's no exaggeration; according to the town of Littleroot, Absol have a taste resembling people, who have a taste resembling Seaking, who have a taste resembling smoked steak. That would explain why nobody lives there, would it not?

In addition to the above statements, let's not forget that Absol are covered in chucklefucking swords. _Swords, _dammit! You think that scythe, those claws, and the tail are for decoration, or some bullshit? No, they're for inflicting massive amounts of pain and making people wet themselves in terror. How do you think I lost my hand? In 'Nam? No, my Absol, Athena, cut it off with her head-scythe thing. She hates nerds, apparently. Seriously, that head-scythe thing is sharp. Okay, you know what? I'm tired of saying "head-scythe thing". From now on, I will be referring to it as a "dingus", as in "Athena stabbed me with her dingus", or "That sure is a sharp dingus", or even, "Hey, you over there. Yes, you, with the face. I'll give you twenty bucks to polish my Absol's dingus".

Oh, how the list goes on! Now I'll be discussing the diet of a typical Absol. The typical Absol lives on a diet of human nightmares, tears, and blood, though they occasionally eat less threatening Pokémon (that is, all of them who aren't made entirely of cold steel). Don't, whatever you do, give them Pokéfood, as that only makes them pissed at eating something pre-killed. At least, that's what the experts say. I, personally, think that it's because Pokéfood resembles the result of a late-night taco run with your drinkin' buddies, but my opinion is worth very little. It's also in your best interest to never bring up the subject of omnivores or herbivores around Absol; again, this has to do with the whole "not freshly killed" thing. Better stock up on I.V.'s, because you will be giving blood a lot more than you thought you would ever have to.

What's that? You want to _catch _an Absol? Well, I recommend bringing a team of highly trained plastic surgeons, the biggest gun you can find (again, this thing is almost all blade. There's no such thing as overkill in a situation like this, so don't be lazy in your selection), and an extra pair of pants (preferably colored brown, yellow, or any combination of the two). Oh, and a therapist, because you, the doctors, and your ruined pants will need some serious help after this stupid outing. I wanted to just leave the entry at that, but Athena demands more, and what Athena wants, Athena gets. To train an Absol… Don't. Just, don't. Catch it, store it in the P.C., and never, ever, _ever _let it out! For the love of all that is holy, _leave it in the godallegorydamned ball!_ Absol, when angry, thoroughly enjoy aiming for the crotch, and every athletic cup in the world wouldn't protect you from that dingus. If that's not reason enough to convince you to leave it in the aforementioned ball, then you must not value your genitalia very much. Weirdo.

Did I forget to mention how incredibly painful that dingus is? On a scale of one to ten, it's easily try-not-to-shit-out-your-fucking-spine. Yes, I know that's not a number, but neither is Q, so sue me. No, that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I felt a shitty explanation was in order. Now, I leave you with this; I'm all out of Pink Floyd C.D.'s, please send me some. Oh, and call the cops, because Athena is currently gnawing on my leg, and I can no longer feel it.

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><p>AN: For the record, dingus actually is a word. It's a placeholder for "thing", so don't go thinking perverted thoughts... Even if they WERE implied...

Oh, and you shouldn't grind Pink Floyd C.D.'s into powder and try and snort it. For one, that's Pink Floyd you're grinding up and, for another, it will probably kill you.

And, I'm going to have to ignore those requests, because FFN decided to delete my story. Sorry, but I don't really have a choice in the matter. It angers me just as much as you'd think.


	2. Garbodor

Alright, chapter two! I CAN'T ACCEPT REQUESTS, IGNORE WHAT I SAID PREVIOUSLY AND PLEASE DON'T SEND THEM! Sorry, but I had to make sure the message got across. I appreciate the people who did send in suggestions, and apologize to them. That being said, they will most likely get done eventually, but not for awhile. Sorry, but apparently that kind of thing is frowned upon for some reason.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 2: Garbodor<strong>

Okay, just what the _fuck _is this thing? A pile of garbage? What kind of paradox is this? Think about it; it couldn't have been around until the dawn of man, because there was no garbage, as fast food and laziness had yet to be invented. So where did it come from? Well, I have a theory. You see, I think it came from garbage that was tired of being thrown around by those garbage men. So, it came to life when enough trash was piled on it. Think Frosty the Snowman, but with less childhood wonder and more disappointment. Oh, and used condoms and broken glass. You never know what you'll find in the trash, and neither does Garbodor. What you can be sure of is the fact that Garbodor will absorb whatever it finds in that trash into its own body. If you thought your nightmares were bad before, wait until they have that terrifying stench to go along with whatever else you're dreaming of (probably an Absol).

While I'm on the subject, what's with the name? Someone seriously got lazy when they discovered this thing. That's like me naming a human Manodor. See how little sense it makes? Next time maybe hire a guy who has an imagination, science.

I should say this, too; Arceus cannot be behind this thing's creation, because Arceus doesn't exist. That's right, the fact that this thing even exists is enough for me to deny the existence of a Pokémon God-allegory. I can say, with nothing but the truth implied, that I am an Arceist. Oh, and who in their right mind would want a Garbodor? It must smell like shit… both literally and figuratively. The answer, of course, is me. Yeah, I own a Garbodor. I named it Harry. Get it? Because of Dirty Harry? He's dirty, so I named him Harry? I hate my life…

Since I own a Garbodor, I can say how difficult it is to raise one. For one, you can never bathe it, because all Garbodor have a fear of soap and water, most likely stemming from the fact that they are made almost entirely of cardboard boxes and other stuff that would only dissolve in water. Also, they eat everything. That's not me being dramatic, that's me being serious. Garbodor will eat whatever they can get their disgusting hands on, including the following; meat, vegetables, other Pokémon, little siblings (the one good thing about owning one), human limbs, whatever else that isn't nailed down, and a few things that are. Once it finds your nail-gun, guess what happens to whatever isn't nailed to the ground? If you said, "consumed by a trash-monster that seems like it's from a third-grader's shitty horror story that they wrote for extra credit because they didn't do their homework and somehow got an A on, probably because most teachers are borderline retarded," you're right. About everything mentioned.

Also, I know I've mentioned this before, but it needs to be pointed out yet again; they stink. Imagine an Asstank (err, Skuntank) blended together with vinegar, and with some ground shit added in for extra flavor, then left to rot and collect flies for a few days. Yeah, it's that bad. Actually, it's not. It's way, way worse. Like, truck-stop bathroom worse. It's so bad that, in some countries, the preferred form of execution for criminals is locking them in an airtight room with a Garbodor, then waiting for the criminal to keel over (it doesn't take long). This method is currently being removed from the court system, as it was recently decided that it was too cruel to use on anyone. Before you mention it, I have tried the air freshener trick and no, it doesn't work. All it does is add a hint of pine and new car smell to the stench, which somehow only makes it worse. That smell may come out of your carpets after a few years of fermentation, but believe me when I say that it stays with you forever. You'll be in the grave and your skeleton will still have its hands covering its face in an effort to prevent that horrible smell from getting into its decomposed nostrils. Well, listen here, Skelly; that doesn't work. You think death will spare you from this? No, it won't, and you'll die looking stupid. Who's laughing now? (Not me, because I can't even open my mouth when Harry's around, because then I end up inhaling the taste of the garbage. You know, when you smell something and can kind of taste it? Yeah, like that).

Another thing I have yet to mention is Garbodor's personality. They like people. Like, _really _like people. Normally, this would be a good thing, but don't forget that this thing is literally a walking biohazard. A hug from a Garbodor is like diving headfirst into a dumpster, then staying in there for several days. And that's _one_ hug, mind you.

If you want to catch a Garbodor, and trust me, you don't, just go to your local dump and look for the place that looks like it hasn't been cleaned in forever. There, you will find two things; human remains and Garbodor. Where the remains came from, I have no idea. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that they came from workers who died from asphyxiation because they buried their heads too deeply in their arms to get away from the stench, possibly while screaming, "Oh, God-allegory Pokémon, save my soul! It burns everywhere!" and running around, crying and flailing and soiling themselves, all while a lone Garbodor stood there, confused by the way these humans were acting.

Finally, just look at it. Go on, take a good, long, hard look at it. Be careful, though; prolonged exposure has been known to drive people to suicide. If you need to ask why, then you obviously have never seen a Garbodor or, even luckier for you, smelled one. In closing; this thing is an abomination, one that is unable to be killed by fire (I've tried it on Harry, but it just makes him want to hug me more) or nuked from orbit (because that shit is expensive). The only surefire way to avoid going insane due to massive amounts of stench is to remain in a plastic bubble your entire life, or to simply never catch a Garbodor. Seriously, why would you catch this thing?


	3. Vanilluxe

A/N: Here's the new chapter. Not much else to say, except that I've wanted to mock this one for a while.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 3: Vanilluxe<strong>

Before I get started, I have a request; can someone tell me what Arceus was thinking when he created this fucker-nutter? Why would an ambiguously gendered God-allegory horse thing find it necessary to base a living being off of ice cream? Did he (it?) not see how much of a recipe for disaster he (it?) was creating? Then again, I guess that's my job to point it out, in addition to my day job of pissing on your front step. By the way, I'd look down before you step outside; you never know if I got your house while you were asleep (I probably did).

Let's begin with the appearance. Not much to say, other than the obvious statement of it being fucking ice cream. Speaking of which, are there thirty two flavors of Vanilluxe? And, for that matter, are Vanilluxe edible? That's one of the reasons I never raised one; I have a hard enough time telling the difference between candy and weed killer, and having to pick between two similar looking ice cream cones would probably assplode my brain. Assplode, if you couldn't tell, is a word I just pulled out of my ass, coincidentally.

Now, an even better question; how does it reproduce? It must be hard bringing little children into the world if your entire body is frozen milk and sugar. Oh, and genital-less, but that's a different story. While we're on the subject, do they hatch from eggs, like every other Pokémon? I have lots of questions about this thing, and I don't know if I'll be able to answer them all. In fact, this chapter will most likely have so many unanswered questions that it will resemble one of my geometry tests. I could have mentioned this earlier, I suppose, but my walnut sized brain is incapable of thinking ahead, and I am much too lazy to go back to the beginning and type this out again. I'm a teenager, what did you expect me to do? Actually put effort into something instead of half-assing it? Have _you _ever been a teenager? At this point, I really care about two things; soda and titties. Again, I'm a teenager, did you expect something else?

To add on to the list of questions, do those two heads ever fight each other? That would be something; you walk into a room, just to see one side trying to eat the other. In that case, is it suicide or cannibalism? Either way, they're both hilarious, and under no circumstances should you break up the fight without getting it on video first.

If you pee on a Vanilluxe, will it stay there or melt? It's made of snow, so will you be able to write your name in it? Or will the Vanilluxe simply begin to shrivel up and die, cursing your name to eternal damnation in the deepest part of Hell? Next time you see one, do me a favor and try it. Whatever happens, you can be certain that, if something goes wrong, the people watching will certainly not be helping you any time soon, most likely because you're peeing on a giant, two-headed ice cream cone. If you can say that to someone else and make it sound normal, you deserve a medal. If you actually try it, you deserve a Darwin Award. I'll give you one of mine; my shelf is filled with them, which is weird because I've never even attended a ceremony.

If you take a Vanilluxe into the sunlight, will it melt? Can you stick it in the freezer and wait for it to re-form? Actually, I've observed this happening once before; some guy brought his Vanilluxe out of the Pokémon center, forgetting to return it to its ball. It began to melt while shouting something in its own language. I'm not quite sure what it was, but it probably sounded something like, "Ahhh! Temperatures over thirty two degrees Fahrenheit! It burns! It burns!" Actually, I thought of something else; if you take the melted puddle of what used to be a Vanilluxe and filled an ice cube tray with it, then put it in the freezer, what would happen? Would you get a bunch of cubed, midget-Vanilluxe? Again, try it, but preferably not on the one you peed on-that's just weird.

Also, what's with the thing sticking out of its head? It resembles an Absol's dingus, so what is it? Actually, now that I look at it, it looks like a straw. But how can I be sure? For all I know, that could be a phallus. If it is, that would certainly make for an awkward moment when you tried to drink out of it. Why you would try to drink living ice cream, I will never know-I must be rubbing off on you, or something (I'm sorry for turning you into me, it's a fate worse than death by nut-shots or Garbodor stench). If it's not a phallus, but rather an actual straw, what the Hell is it doing there? Was Arceus expecting someone to actually try and drink his ice-cream monster? If so, why would he do that? Answer; he's a prick. Not just any prick, but a prick with aboslute power over everything and way too much time on his (its?) hands (paws? Hooves? Appendages?).

Why can't Vanilluxe express another emotion other than happiness on its faces? I'm imagining waking up from one of my many Absol-filled nightmares to find a smiling ice cream cone floating above me. That alone would be enough to make me lose bowel control, and then what would happen? I'd be embarrassed, Vanilluxe would be giving me that "I just work here," expression, and every one of my other Pokémon would be pointing and laughing at me, even the ones I hatched from eggs myself…the traitors.

If Vanilluxe is based off of ice cream, and ice cream wasn't around until humanity was pulled out of Arceus' ass (because where else would it have come from?), does that mean it just spontaneously appeared one day? Did some poor guy order an ice cream and go to take a bite out of it, only to wet himself when it smiled that shit-eating grin at him? Somewhere, you know Arceus was laughing at that guy, pointing at him and the Vanilluxe and asking the other legendaries to guess which one he pulled out of his ass. Actually, now that I think about it, that seems like a good party game-"guess which species came out of Arceus' ass". Yeah, that'll have the ladies swooning.

Are those two heads separately gendered? Just a random thought, but if that straw really is a phallus, and it's only on one side, what does that make the other side? Asexual? Or is it just some really, really creepy mating routine between frozen desserts? If so, what would you call it? Actually, don't answer that-the possibilities are much too disturbing to imagine, much like what would happen if I discovered I was dragonborn. I swear, I would only use those shouts to cause a hilarious amount of mayhem and terror. Can you imagine me being able to use Unrelenting Force? Not pretty, is it?

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><p>AN: That concludes this chapter. I have a good idea of the next Pokémon I want to do, but judging from the response to the Absol chapter, I would lose all of my readers. So of course I'll be doing it anyway! What, you think I've developed morals, or something? You must not know me very well, then…


	4. Eevee

A/N: Next chapter. What, you expected a lengthy author's note? Haha, no. I'm much too lazy for that.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 4: <strong> **Eevee**

Yes, Eevee. What could possibly be bad about Eevee? Well, hypothetical reader (I say hypothetical because nobody in their right mind would have read this shit past sentence one), I'll tell you what's bad about Eevee! Let's begin with battle effectiveness; namely, the lack thereof. Arceus apparently decided that it would be a great idea to make Eevee completely out of Elmer's glue and cardboard, so it can't take more than two or three hits before exploding in a pile of red paste, like one of Leatherface's piñatas. So, it's a good idea not to get one as a starter, because you'll have a tough time battling with what amounts to a pile of raw hamburger.

Another thing about Eevee; they're temperamental. They may not look like it, but they are. They're whiny, entitled brats, and they thoroughly enjoy biting and pissing on your feet if you don't give them what they want. Their "wants," by the way, don't amount to scratches behind the ears, either; try expensive haircuts and treats, as well as luxury Pokéballs and several companions to play with. The companions should also be similar to Eevee, because the little douchebags are very picky with who they play with. I've had the most success with other Eevee and Eeveelutions, as well as Vulpix and Shinx. They hate Absol, as I learned when I tried to get mine to play with it, and I can't say I blame them.

To add on to that list of financial problems, Eevee are also expensive to begin with. They are very rare to find in the wild (that will happen if you only eat food made with all-natural, pulp-free, freshly-squeezed berry juice mixed in and imported from Fiore, you little dickwads), and breeders tend to charge outrageous prices for them. That being said, there are several stories of some lucky bastard getting one under unusual circumstances-maybe you'll get lucky and run across a nerd who'll give you one for free because he's tired of being pissed on for not playing with it due to his being a shut-in and World of Warcraft addiction, or you can get lucky at the Game Corner and buy one with your winnings, or you can talk to a league Champion who'll give you one for God-allegory knows why, or maybe you'll break into an old lady's apartment and steal one from a table in front of a blackboard, or maybe (deep breath) you'll get the Umbreon and Espeon you kept when you escaped from Team Snaggem to have "sexy time" and make little Eevees, or maybe some rich guy will let you dick around and catch one in his garden for no reason, or maybe you'll start with one when you go out to stop Cipher from creating Shadow Pokémon for the second time, or maybe you'll hit your cousin in the nuts and take one from a table in a laboratory, leaving him with an electric rodent and several angry thoughts (and a popped testicle, but that's a different story)-the list goes on and on, and not once is it mentioned where you can find them running wild and free. Lucky for you, I have tons of Eevee and Eeveelutions-that doesn't make it any cheaper, so pay up, you lot of freeloaders.

Did I mention how much people will pay for a shiny Eevee? No? Well, most people will give their balls and several pints of blood for one, as well as their children and wives. Or, they'll just kill you. You think I'm kidding? Yeah, I'm not. When Vintovka hatched, I had to stay up all night nailing even the smallest entrance to my house shut because people wanted to get in, kill me, and steal him. So, know that, at one point in your life, some guy may stick a knife up your ass because you own an oddly-colored rat. Lucky you.

Did I mention that, in addition with the bones of glass and skin of rice paper, Eevee's offenses are about as powerful as a Nerf gun against a Panzer? Well, they are. Yeah, it's that bad. What's that, you say? You can buy T.M.'s to fix that? Sure you can-provided they fulfill two requirements; they're good enough for the little bitch to learn, and it won't literally break into a million pieces upon using it once. I can't tell you how many times I've lost an Eevee to a botched Iron Tail.

Keep your Eevee away from open windows, by the way. Why? Simple; a strong gust of wind can and will pick it up and carry it away, probably while you reach out with one hand yelling, "Nooooooooo!" in an overly dramatic fashion. Again, this has happened to me several times, and I've tried several things to stop it from happening; anchors, roofs, and, in one case when I panicked really, really hard, a BB gun (to shoot it out of the sky). Of all those, only one worked (the BB gun, but it later died…of appendicitis. What, you think the BB killed it? Wrong!).

In closing, the best thing to do is just to never get an Eevee, ever. If you want one, know that it will most likely shatter when you try to hug it. Either that, or it will pee in your arms and on your chest, then run away, probably while laughing at your urine-soaked form (at least, you better hope it's urine. Odds are that it's not, though. You guess what it is, I'm not telling). Can't say I blame it, either; why would you hug that little douchebag when I warned you of how they act? You kinda set yourself up there, buddy…

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><p>AN: Yeah, a lot shorter than the others and, in my eyes at least, not nearly as funny. The next one will hopefully be funnier, because it picks on one I'm particularly tired of seeing in fics and in games, and I have more to say about it than this one.


	5. Zangoose

A/N: Well, here it is. I've been waiting for this one, and I can guarantee it will get you people up in arms. Let's not let me waste any more time, then.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 5: Zangoose<strong>

You knew it was coming. Admit it, you did. Now, considering the blade-like appendages that Zangoose has for arms, you're probably expecting me to make a reference to Absol's dingus. However, I'm not going to do that this time (too easy).

Now, Zangoose. The first thing you need to know about Zangoose is this; they're emo. Where do you think those scars came from? Birth? What are you, mentally hilarious (much like myself)? If you get a Zangoose, you will spend most of the time figuring out ways to keep it from cutting itself. Trust me, you can't. I would know, because I have a Zangoose (I have, like, a million and three Pokémon at my house. Place smells like a fuckin' zoo on a holiday weekend. By which, I mean; it smells bad, but it's not because of the Pokémon. I need to shower more often, methinks).

The next thing you need to know about Zangoose; they bleed a lot. It's like they were all born with hemophilia, or something. Compound this with the cutting problem, and you've got Arceus' little inside joke; a creature that loves to cut itself, and bleeds enough to supply a slasher movie with all the blood for every scene. Arceus, if you haven't figured it out yet, is a holy douchebag.

Know what sucks? When your Zangoose gets an inch, right in that one spot that's impossible to reach. They try and scratch it, but end up tearing their backs to Hell, as well as turning your carpet a permanent red. Let's see if Mr. Clean can clean this mess up…or if he'd even bother trying.

You're probably thinking, "but almighty 'dex of derp, how do I stop my prized (well, kinda) samurai rat from turning itself into something resembling tomato paste?" Well, that's a tougher answer than you think. However, considering that Zangoose are emo, you should try putting on some Linkin Park, as they will be too busy crying in time with the music to cut themselves. It's during this time that you should replace its claws with something less deadly and terrifying. Here's what I've tried; pillows, rocks, brooms, a toilet plunger, several smaller, more useless Pokémon (such as Bidoof), a 2x4, wiffle bats, a stapler, watermelons, and an infant. The infant worked rather well, but apparently attaching one to a bladed rodent's…erm, blade… is frowned upon in ninety percent of the world (the other ten percent is Orre, the birthplace of white trash).

Now, owning a Zangoose isn't all bad. For example, they tend to be great at making salads (that is, when their blades aren't covered in blood and other questionable bodily fluids). If you need your lawn mowed or your hedges trimmed, then you can ask your Zangoose to do it for you, you slave-driving dick. If you get pissed at your biology teacher, you can have your Zangoose scratch obscene (yet hilarious) things onto his car. You ever see a Zangoose scratching "go fuck yourself with a cactus" on a Corvette with bloody claws, while at the same time crying to emo music? Believe me, it's hilarious.

Like most emo people, Zangoose tend to spend most of their time crying and cutting their wrists while writing terrible poetry about how much dick life sucks and listening to terrible music. You should get used to this behavior, because it doesn't ever stop. My advice is to buy a bunch of bleach and pray that Zangoose doesn't crank up the Linkin Park too loud.

Now, if you're still following (which I doubt), then you're probably wondering how best to catch a Zangoose. I can't imagine why you'd want to catch one in the first place, but my job is to question nature's judgment, not yours… even if it is bad. But, I digress; to catch a Zangoose, one must simply place a sign on the ground that reads "freeform poetry reading" and have an arrow pointing towards a derelict old warehouse. Since derelict old warehouses are in short supply (damn you, industrialization!), you'll have to settle with grabbing a megaphone and announcing how much poetry sucks. In seconds, you'll have every Zangoose ever converging on your location, most of them chanting for blood (their own, that is). Now, all you have to do is give one a Linkin Park C.D. and watch them duke it out for it. The last one standing is yours, obviously. Before you return home with your new Pokémon, grab that C.D.-your Zangoose will be pissed at having lost it if you don't, and by "pissed" I mean "they'll cut several veins and bleed all over your carpet", leaving you with a bloodless carcass and a lot of explaining to do. I warned you, didn't I?

Surprisingly, Zangoose are quite effective in battle. They tend to stand there and soak up hits like a bloody sponge, then give a speech to the attacker when they ask why your Zangoose is standing there doing nothing. I'm not quite sure what they're talking about, but it must be depressing. I say this because, after the speech, the attacker usually hits himself with several attacks, knocking himself out. It's as funny as it is sad, especially the "WTF" look on the other trainer's face; that's priceless.

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><p>AN: Short chapter, I know. I've been having computer problems, and my time is being eaten up by schoolwork and whatnot. Next up is the one that inspired this series, and I have quite a bit to say about it.


	6. Luvdisc

A/N: Okay, I know I said that this chapter would be the one that inspired the series. Well, I done goofed; that's the next chapter. This one's a special.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 6: Luvdisc<strong>

Why? Why would you invent this thing? Is National Forever Alone…err, Valentine's day, really that important that it requires a caricature? The answer, of course, is no. Even more so when you consider that the caricature looks stupid...or, in the spirit of this thing, derpy.

Before I continue, I should say this; Luvdisc was not made by Arceus. I know, I just fucked your mind. You're probably going, "but, if our holy dickwad didn't make it, who did?" The answer, of course, is simple; Hallmark. Yes, Hallmark. It makes sense; they invented National Forever Alone…err, Valentine's day, after all. To Hallmark; please don't sue me into the third world, I don't own your company and I quite enjoy democracy.

Did you know that, by kissing, Luvdisc connect themselves together? That's…actually kind of fucked up, if you think about it. It's like the Human Scolipede, except it's mouth-to-mouth, not ass-to-mouth. It could be, though, especially if you have a sick mind.

I should mention that, by connecting themselves together, Luvdisc are able to move their paper-thin bodies like wings and fly? What the Hell kind of ability is that? That's stupid. I mean, why? What is the point of having two heart-shaped fish that can fly, but only when connected at the mouth/ass?

Know what I just realized? That Luvdisc must love to fuck. I mean, they have "love" right in the damn name. Actually, I just realized something else; why would they need to kiss each other so much, unless, and bear with me here, their reproductive organs were in their mouths? How else could they be paper-thin, anyway? Oh, and if I'm right about that, what does it mean when they use Hydro Pump or Water Gun?

I once heard that giving someone a Luvdisc means that you'll be together forever. Well, what if you do something to it first, then give it to the person? If I stick one in a belt sander, then give it to a girl, what am I attempting to convey? That I'll never leave you, but I may or may not consume your flesh? Yeah, that's romantic, in a "Dawn of the Dead" kind of thing. If you can find someone with a fetish for pain and industrial machinery, then I guess this will work out, but otherwise, no.

Has anyone ever tried grilling a Luvdisc? They look pretty good, actually (as I write this, all my Pokémon are giving me weird looks. I can't imagine why).

If a Luvdisc is in the shape of a heart, shouldn't it be anatomically correct? Where's all the veins and arteries, or the chambers? I also don't see any valves or ventricles anywhere. Speaking of organs, if there's a Pokémon in the shape of a heart, is there one in the shape of another organ? Livermon, Brainmon, or (and I really hope this one exists, because it sounds funny) Colonmon?

Can Luvdisc get heart problems? I mean, they're in the shape of a heart, so do they have to contend with clogged arteries and cardiac arrest? For that matter, how do you know if it's still alive? It doesn't beat, even though it's a heart (weird), so is there a way to check if it still breathes?

How do the males hide an erection? Do they just do what other Pokémon do (run into the middle of a crowd, then shout, "I have a boner, don't look at me!")?

How do they survive in the air if they're aquatic Pokémon? Isn't air, you know, bad for them? Last I checked, it was. What dark wizardry has allowed them to defy nature and re-write it with bullshit?

Can you put an arrow through one, then use it as a visual metaphor? If so, will it die? If it dies, will anyone care? I can assure you that I won't be one of them; remember what I said about morals?

If it has heart problems, does it get a pacemaker? How is it installed, anyway? I just taped a pacemaker to mine, then hoped for the best. Actually, this is counter-productive; the second they get back in the water, it turns into something resembling an electric chair, but much funnier. What's that? I'm a cruel, heartless, son-of-a-whoremonger? Why, yes-I am.

If your girlfriend breaks up with you after you've given her a Luvdisc, what happens to the two of them? Do they break up as well, or do they run away like some shitty Shakespearian tragedy (up yours, Romeo and Juliet!)?

What happens if the Luvdisc break up? Do they go emo and kill themselves (probably by jumping out of the water. Fish suck ass.) That's a good lesson; "hey, kids! You're forever alone! Now go kill yourselves." Okay, normally I would laugh at that, but it's a little too dark for me. Get me a flashlight, then I'll laugh. I'm gonna get an E-mail for that one…

I have no idea what Luvdisc eat, by the way. I tried feeding mine everything; blood, bacon, baby tears, and even a lawyer. I can't imagine why it didn't eat any of those, especially the lawyer. I mean, lawyers don't taste that bad; the stuck-up attitudes and Armani suits give them extra flavor. What's that? What the fuck am I talking about? I have no idea. It's probably my selective amnesia acting up again. Excuse me for being able to choose what to forget; I can control it, after all.

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><p>AN: Even shorter than the last. Sorry, but I ran out of material for this one. Yeah, that's right; for the first time, I'm unable to think of a joke that accurately sums up my feelings towards this thing. Anyway, the next one I have plenty to say about; it did inspire the series, after all.


	7. Stunfisk

A/N: Okay, as promised, here's the one that inspired the series. By no means am I ending it, though; I still have plenty of things to make fun of.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter Seven: Derpfisk…err, Stunfisk<strong>

Given my previous history, you're probably expecting me to ask why this thing exists, or what Arceus was making when he created it. Well, I say no to that; no, we're mixing it up this time.

For starters, just look at it. Do you feel that? That burning behind your eyeballs that's no doubt slowly beginning to resemble the heat of a thousand suns? Yeah, Stunfisk caused that. I'd tell you to look at it to confirm this, but you're no doubt either blind or in the process of becoming blind. I can't say that I feel sorry for you, however; you should know better than to listen to what I say.

I have no idea why I'm still going on with this, because you're blind. By the way, can I make fun of you for that? No? Too bad, Hellen Keller, I'm doing it. Now, where was I? Oh yes (I mean no), Stunfisk. To add on to the previously mentioned dermatological anomalies (it's ugly, is what I'm trying to say. Sorry, but sometimes the evil genius of my personality takes over, and I have to hit myself in the grapes with a hammer to get back to normal.), this thing has one of the strangest typings available; ground/electric. Excuse me, sir, but what the fuck? How does that work? Wouldn't the ground typing cancel out the electricity, rendering it useless? Now, I'm about to talk about a lot of shit, and it's going to make, like, no fucking sense. So, anyway

Sorry, that last sentence was distracted by something shiny, and is currently off chasing it. I've sent Vintovka and Athena after it, so hopefully it returns soon. It probably won't, since the two of them are currently fighting in the living room. I would break it up, but then neither of them would learn anything, would they? Instead, I'll move on to the next sentence. So, another thing about Stunfisk; they live in water. Again, I ask, what the fuck? They're (say it with me) ground/electric. Neither of those work well with water; ground doesn't like the deep end (pussy), and electric ends up creating the same effect as dropping a toaster in the tub, which, by the way, I don't recommend doing, as you will get electrical burns in places you didn't know could get electrically burned. As in, your junk. How Stunfisk manages to avoid pruny, shriveled zombie-dick is beyond me.

Did you know that Stunfisk can flap their fins and fly? No, seriously-they can do that. Excuse me, sir, but-wait, what's that? I've already used that joke before, and it was stupid the first time? Well, then...I'll just ask what the point is. Is there a specific reason that Stunfisk are able to fly, or did Arceus decide to do it for shits n' giggles, like most of what she does? That's your god-allegory legendary quadruped for you-he gives you a flying electric dirt-fish, but then decides that she's too lazy to make an eeveelution with wings. Yeah, that's a fair trade; I mean, why have a flying Espeon when you can have a fish that wouldn't look out of place at a carnival for car crash victims?

**Meanwhile…**

Mewtwo: (spits out coffee) That's terrible! I've gotta write an angry E-mail… (pulls out computer) Dear assface…

**One slightly repetitive scene transition later…**

Oh, you're back already, dear reader? Well, I certainly was not putting my Umbreon in a headlock and giving him a noogie. What's that, Vintovka? Yeah, you can go now. Yes, I know that you'll give me terrible, Absol-filled nightmares later. Right, now I believe I was doing Stunfisk, correct? Well, another thing about Stunfisk is their personalities; as in, the lack of one. You may as well go out and catch a rock in a Pokéball, because that's both better at battling and having a personality. Seriously, Stunfisk are boring. They don't even eat anything; I keep one in my bathtub (nobody uses that bathroom. It's not because I'm afraid of Stunfisk, though; my Pokémon are. See, I was born and raised in the backseat of a Camaro for several years, and was taught to use Snapple bottles. As such, I am confused by this "toilet" thing), and I've never even fed it anything. I've had it for several months, and-wait a minute. Umm, I think I have something to check on real quick…

Yeah, it's just what I thought; he's dead. Apparently they DO eat. Shocker, right? I mean, I figured that they photosynthesized, or something equally ridiculous. Looking at it, is that really out of the question? The answer is yes, but remember that you're talking to someone who took an I.Q. test against a shovel and two candy bracelets, and scored negative five. The shovel and bracelets scored one-eighty, each, but I doubt you'd want to hear that story.

Here's another thing about Stunfisk; they never stop smiling. I'm not joking about that; THEY NEVER STOP SMILING. If you get one to smile, it won't stop. EVER. I have no idea why, but it's apparently very, very funny. Maybe it's the same joke that created it in the first place…speaking of which, I think I finally know what created it. Arceus, you see, lost a bet with the other legendaries over who would make Pokémon number six-eighteen, so he decided to half-ass it because of her major douchiness. What he failed to realize, however, was how much of a plague upon humanity she was releasing. If looking at something for a few seconds is enough to make someone go blind, then something should probably be done. Good thing the oil companies are dumping toxic waste into our waterways; that's sure to kill these things!

Speaking of blindness, as of now, I've created a new challenge; the Stunfisk challenge. It's really simple; stare at a Stunfisk's face for sixty seconds without screaming or blinking. If you thought the cinnamon challenge was bad, just wait. Now, I have a dirt-fish carcass to get out of my bathtub before anyone starts to care about the stench, so I guess I'll have to cut this one short. Overused one-line exiting speech that has nothing to do with the previous text!

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><p>AN: This is officially my favorite chapter. I had fun writing it, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Now, if you could do me a favor and press the review button, that's be great…seriously, please? These are the only things distracting me from my Pink Floyd craze, man! I'm all out of C.D.'s!

By the way, there's quite a few hidden jokes in this chapter. You'll probably have to read some sentences out loud to find them, if you haven't already. If you do read them out loud, don't be afraid to shout them; your parents, after all, have yet to read this…


	8. Ditto

A/N: Wanna know the best way to write? With a bowl of popcorn in your lap and some classic Black Sabbath doom metal playing in the next tab. Fuck money-this is the life.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 8: Ditto<strong>

I'm sorry, but what is this? Am I looking at a Pokémon, or a pile of splooge colored with pink paint? 'Cuz, that's what it looks like. Also, where did Ditto come from? It's genital-less, so did it just come from nowhere? Did Bill decide to experiment with Play-Doh again? Actually, I have a better explanation, one that stems from that emotionless expression (more on that later, though…); it was born of fire. Kids, you are staring at the physical manifestation of Satan's asscrack.

You're probably saying something along the lines of, "shouldn't it be red, or something?" or, "shouldn't it be on fire?" or, even more likely, "shouldn't you be back in Waylon's Institute for the Criminally Insane?" Well, just let me explain; Satan is never referenced as being red, not everything from Hell is on fire, and I stabbed everyone in that sanitarium with a sharpened bobby pin I keep secreted in various orifices several months ago. Now, anyone with less than half a brain can tell you that it's demon-spawn by just looking at it (because people with more than half a brain or exactly half a brain are too smart to think of stupid shit like this, leaving FFN's resident dumbass (me) to explain to the world the origins of this fucknut). I mean, just look at it (if you recovered your sight after the Stunfisk incident, which I doubt); anything with that soulless grin can only be filled with pure malice.

Another thing about Ditto; it's a lot like Canada. By that, I mean that most of the time, it just sits there, not really bothering anyone and minding its own business…but in reality, it's just waiting for the perfect time to strike and destroy the world, starting with America (you hear that, Canadians? I'm on to you!). Oh, and it most likely will use the tactical nukes for this. I forgot to mention earlier that each Ditto is born with several thermonuclear devices built into it, but at least they got mentioned, right?

Apparently there's a "rumor" going around that, upon close examination of a Ditto's brain, the number "666" can be seen etched into it. "Rumor" is in quotes because that's not a rumor; that's _totally true_. This means that each and every Ditto is the incarnation of the Antichrist, and-huh? Oh, right, sorry-Anti_arceus, _and that one of them will incite a holy war against our God-allegory. That'll look great in our slightly charred history books; "how did humanity die? They got killed by blobs of pink, genderless semen, that's how!" Uh-huh, that's not weird or embarrassing at all, or anything.

Did you know that Ditto can transform into any other Pokémon (at least, those with genitalia? Not sure why, considering the fact that Ditto itself doesn't have genitals of either gender…)? Of course you did; everyone does! How else would we get those super-rare-yet-highly-desirable Pokémon like Eevee? Make them fuck something that doesn't amount to a pile of Jell-O? What are you, mad? Sex, as we all know, is supposed to be as awkward, undesirable and hilarious for onlookers as possible, so we use Ditto and any other normal Pokémon for this. Cruel and unusual? Nope. Seems legit, amIright?

Regarding the last sentence; Ditto actually do not have sex with Pokémon, contrary to popular belief. I should know, because I gave Vintovka a collar fitted with a video camera before dropping him off in a day-care for a few days. Upon arrival, he was immediately approached by a Ditto, which proceeded to swallow him whole. After several minutes, it spat him out (albeit, slightly terrified), along with an egg. If you're wondering why I gave my shiny Umbreon a video camera before sending him to what amounts to a legally sanctioned public orgy, it was for…ummm…research…shut up!

Don't ever turn your back on a Ditto, by the way. Why? Simple; they will form their body into a spear and stab you with it. They can do that. Think T-1000, but with less awesome and more blood and terror. How do I know this? Let me put it this way; I have my own little bed in the E.R., one which is always reserved for me in the event of a serious injury (I average several a day, due to various causes and my own stupidity. The majority, however, are because of my Ditto).

Not everything about Ditto is bad, however; if you're nice to it, it may stop trying to kill you long enough for you to ask a favor. Due to some legal technicalities or something, they have to carry out this favor, no matter what. This can range from attending your grandmother's funeral in your image, to shooting the Sinnoh league Champion for you. Yeah, I did that; problem?

Ditto, in case you were wondering, don't eat; they live off the otherworldly sound of children sobbing and human souls. Therefore, it's best to keep yours away from schools…unless, of course, you're like me and appreciate the finer aspects of comedy and pants-pissing terror, both of which you will witness if you ignore my advice and head deliberately for the nearest elementary school… which I recommend doing, anyway.

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><p>AN: Go ahead and press that review button down there. Please? My Pokémon are pointing and laughing at me, and I want to prove to them that I'm funny without cutting off my thumb. By the way, do you know how long you get to re-attach a severed limb before it becomes impossible? I mean, no reason, just curious…

Another day, another chapter. Does that make me sound like a dick? I think so. And, I actually like Canadians, so don't go thinking I'm racist, or something.

By the way, I was called a "Redditor" in the review section. Call me a noob, but is that an insult? I know what Reddit is, but I have no idea whether or not I'm being insulted. If you could kindly explain, that would make me a happy Remains, it would.


	9. Electrode

A/N: Back from L.A. after a short, unannounced break. Sorry about that, by the way; I wasn't told until literally five minutes before we left.

Y-ko- Could be worse; you could've made a reference to Spacedicks.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 9: Electrode<strong>

Look, an American-flag colored testicle! Yeah, that's what I said when I first saw this thing. Actually, I forgot to mention the face drawn on it. Take a deep breath, then say it with me; _WHY_? WHY WOULD YOU CREATE A TESTICLE WITH A FACE DRAWN ON IT IN SHARPIE? For that matter, is it drawn in thick or thin sharpie? Is it actually a sharpie or a Vis-à-vis? Could it be an Expo marker? Who, for that matter, gives a flying patrat's ass? You shouldn't. About _anything _I have to say. Seriously, why are you still reading this? Did you lose a bet? Well, you don't have to keep reading this; I wouldn't.

You know, this is actually another paradox; electrode is based on a pokéball, which wasn't around until the dawn of mankind. So…history fail?

Where did the face come from? Again, I'm going to point out a paradox; the face is drawn on with sharpie marker, and sharpies weren't invented until man crawled out of that deep, ass-like crevasse and evolved from phallus-shaped bacteria (If you're keeping track, that's another nut-shut I've inflicted on myself).

Again, I'm forced to bring up the lack of genitalia. Is the electrode actually a giant egg, from which another electrode will hatch upon the death of the first? In that case, wouldn't it be a flying type? And _not _be in the shape of a testicle? For the record, this is what happens when I can't accurately explain shit; I have to fill in the blanks. Are you happy, Arceus? You did this, you piece of holy shit, with your lack of explanations. You phail.

Electrode's design is one of laziness and a severe case of the disease known as whogivesafuck…itis. It truly is a terrible disease; basically, it causes the sufferer to wonder if anyone really cares about what they have to say (*hint hint*), and causes them to half-ass everything (*hint hint*), as well as stop caring about things (*hint hint*). So, that's how electrode was conceived. Much like my mother after giving birth to me, you were probably disappointed by the result. I know I was.

Electrode, by the way, don't eat. It's not like when I said that stunfisk don't eat; electrode _really _don't eat. I've tried feeding mine everything that Harry hasn't already eaten, and it refuses to take even a little bite. To keep it alive, you must buy a charger from your local electronics store, then plug the little testicle into the nearest outlet. Be warned; in separate regions, you will need an adaptor. Don't ask me where it plugs into, either; you're better off not knowing.

I just noticed I forgot to mention something important; electrode like exploding. Yes, you read that correctly; electrode like exploding. What are they, the goddamned Taliban? If you'll listen closely, you'll hear a far-off rumbling. That is the sound of every collective person on Earth taking up arms and marching to my house to put an end to me and my tasteless jokes. I must say, you're late; I was expecting you after the incident in fifth grade (don't ask. Ever. Moving on).

To catch an electrode (why?), look for power plants. Large amounts of electricity attract electrodes, as you probably guessed. Most of these, however, will explode in a storm of blood, guts, and Slayer references. If you didn't get that last joke, then replace it with 'flesh'. Why does a genderless testicle explode in a storm of miscellaneous organs and bodily fluids? How the Hell should I know, I'm just bullshitting at this point. I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to go out and try to catch an electrode or two, not after last time (that's how I lost my other hand, which is why it took me so long to write this; I was in the E.R., looking for a hook to replace it. I ended up with a spoon. Please don't laugh at me; my ego bruises like a banana).

Know what's weird? Electrode are notoriously fast. Like, Olympic sprinter fast. Last I checked, they were actually in the top five or ten fastest Pokémon ever. That's _insane_. I mean, it's a giant ball. What about it makes it so fast? Why is umbreon slower than a comatose paraplegic, but electrode is faster than Superman on speed? Answer; because life sucks big floppy donkey dick (thank you, South Park!).

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><p>AN: The shortest chapter to date. Sorry, but I'm focused on the next chapter at the moment; because it's chapter ten, I'm doing a legendary, so I've been looking for funny jokes to tell about it. No, it's not Arceus; I make fun of him enough as is.


	10. Darkrai

A/N: Well, I realize it's been quite a while…but I ran out of material. I'm regretting that whole promise about the legendaries I made last chapter. I'll do one for this chapter, but from now on, I'll wait until I have material. Sorry about the wait.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 10: Darkrai<strong>

Okay. Oooookay. Right, Darkrai. Actually, no; that's not its name. No, it's named Freddy. As in, Freddy Krueger. You know, because it invades dreams? Yeah, I know-that was a bit of a stretch. Well, folks, it's all downhill from here. Might as well press that big red X at the top of the screen. Go ahead. No one would blame you. In fact, you'd be making a smart choice. I don't even know why you're still reading this-seriously, press that button.

Last paragraph got a bit too dramatic, but whatever, I'm pulling jokes out of my ass, so I'm taking what I can get. As previously stated, Darkrai might as well be Freddy Krueger, because it's got the whole, "I'm-going-to-invade-your-dreams-like-a-supernatural-pedophile" act down. Don't believe me? Well, there's some kid in some city in Sinnoh who's been in a dream caused by said pedophile for years. Yes, my Pokémon are probably strong enough to go kick Darkrai's ass up and down that island and probably save that stupid kid's life, but I don't plan on doing that anytime soon. The reason for that is simple; if you help children now, they rely on your help forever. Tell them to fight off that nightmarish Hellspawn on their own, 'cuz the game's on and Remains can't be bothered right now.

Did you know that Darkrai is attracted to nightmares? That's pretty fucking weird. Like, why? Does it get off on children wetting themselves like a fucking fire hose, or something? Everyone, look out-we've got a legendary with a watersports fetish here. Better wear a plastic bag to bed, 'cuz there's no way your pants are staying dry if this bitch finds you. Believe me, I know.

The dreams you have when visited by Darkrai are not only terrifying, but beyond weird. When he visited me, I dreamed that I was actually inside Raccoon City. Normally this would be pretty Goddamn cool, but when you're trapped in a dream, unarmed, naked (for some reason), and surrounded by undead, you start to freak out. Next thing you know, you're trying to fight off the ravenous undead with your "stream of justice", if you catch my drift.

You know, darkrai once almost destroyed a town over a fucking garden. No, I'm not making that up-it seriously almost destroyed an entire town. Over a garden. You know, those things you grow wee-er, plants in? Yeah, one of those. See, it's reasons like this that the other legendaries make fun of darkrai. Yes, they do too make fun of them-I got called into the Hall of Origin once because of my crimes against humanity (which included being born), and they all made fun of darkrai for the entire time. I guess I should be thankful-if not for them making fun of Darkrai mercilessly, I would probably not be here. See, children? Sometimes, bullying _is _good!*

*Note: bullying is extremely bad, as the person you bully may or may not become a badass later on and kick your ass after College. Still want to push that nerd down the stairs, Alabastor Dickwad?

Know what I just realized? How much darkrai looks like Santa. Maybe it's just the Pink Floyd taking over my mind again, but I automatically think Santa whenever I see it. Maybe it's because they both enjoy having small children sit on their laps without parental supervision?

Apparently, Cresselia and Darkrai have a romantic thing going on. This means several things;

1. Cresselia is a little child

2. Darkrai is still just as creepy as I pointed out

3. I still have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

Now, since the two of them have a "thing", it's inappropriate to ask Cresselia if she wants to play "hide the pickle", even if you're only asking as a joke. Oh, and just because the other legendaries laugh, doesn't mean you won't see Darkrai in your dreams. Believe me, you will, and they will be terrible, terrible dreams. Like, blue waffle terrible. If you don't know what blue waffle is, I don't recommend looking it up. Seriously, just forget I even mentioned it.

Darkrai has no genitals. Just thought I'd point that out. Seriously, it's missing all the downstairs equipment, and the upstairs is quite literally flatter than day-old soda. Those euphamisms could've gone better, but whatever, I'm currently on Pink Floyd.

Sometimes, Darkrai enjoys hiding in shadows and watching you while you sleep. Now, given the previous information, this really shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, it's only one step from "Inception" to "Freddy Krueger" to "pedophile" to "sexual predator". Yes, Darkrai is a self-professed sexual predator-I would know, because I asked it. Yes, it's an it. As previously stated, it has no genitals, so it has no gender. Thus, it's an it. My logic is flawed, you say? Um, no-the logic in previous chapters was flawed. This logic is FUBAR. That is all. No, really-that's it. I'm out of material.

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><p>AN: Short chapter, but I had some problems with the whole "legendary" concept. Hopefully next time it turns out better. And, since the whole "no genitals" thing is really getting old, I'm picking something with a gender next time. What is it, you ask? Well, that's for me to decide! Yeah, I don't know what to do yet. I'll figure it out, though. Yeah, you know I will.

FUBAR=Fucked Up Beyond All Repair, in case you were wondering. I doubt you were, because that's useless information that only I know. Even if you did know it, you'd do well not to say you did-having even one thing in common with me is too much.


	11. April Fools and Self Indulgence

A/N: Hello, everyone! This is Athena and Vintovka, Remains' Absol and Umbreon! We set aside the extreme sexual tension between us and decided to show you what it's like living with Alabastor Asshole for a day. The format is this; Vintovka takes the odd-numbered paragraphs, while Athena takes the even-numbered ones.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 11: For All That Remains<strong>

Right. I'll start off, since I'm obviously Remains' best friend. That doesn't mean I like him by any means, however. We're talking about a guy who routinely leaves his Pokémon alone for days on end while he goes on a Pink Floyd C.D. trip. Athena and I are forced to set aside our tensions (that means I get to tap that sweet ass, for the record) for long enough to take care of everyone else. Athena, by the way, is actually a sweet girl-she only acts psychotic around Remains. Frankly, I'm surprised I don't act the same way, myself.

Okay, what did Vinny tell you last paragraph? Whatever it is, it isn't true (as long as it's about me, that is. Everything about Remains is true, unfortunately). Except for the part about the sex-that's actually true. Sooooo true…Note to self: Get Vinny alone when this is over and done with. Now, where was I? Oh, yes-"Master" Remains. Frankly, I don't even know why we call him "Master", even sarcastically. Most of the time, we look after him. We taught him how to microwave pizza, reset the internet, and work the toilet (that last one, by the way, is something that we all agree was a mistake, as he still doesn't know how to fix the toilet. Asshole…).

Frankly, I don't trust Athena at all. When she's alone with something viewable to millions of people (go ahead and laugh, 'cuz we both know that nobody reads this fucknugget), it only ends badly. For the record, I'm not nearly as small as she says I am. Here's another thing you need to know about Remains; he's a fucking moron. Not just a moron; an insensitive moron. In fact, here's a list of questions I've been asked by him _over the course of a single damn day._

"Hey, Vinny? Why do feet smell, but noses run?"

"Hey, Vinny? If a tree falls and it hits a woman, what was it doing growing in the kitchen?"

"Hey, Vinny? How do I know if I'm Jewish?"

"Hey, Vinny? What's a Companion Cube?"

"Hey, Vinny? Do gay guys get turned on by their own genitals?"

"Hey, Vinny? Why are heterosexuals so scared of being called gay if they're open-minded?"

"Hey, Vinny? What's fapping?"

"Hey, Vinny? Is r/Spacedicks a family-friendly site?"

"Hey, Vinny? What if my computer really is running? Do I catch it, or let keep on going?"

Yeah. The guy's fucked up in the head. When I first met him, I was convinced he was faking. Nobody could be that stupid, I thought. He's just trying to be funny, I thought. I immediately started taking his bullshit seriously when I saw him light a coat hanger on fire, then stick it in his eye socket. No, I don't know why he did it, nor do I want to.

Oh, is it my turn already? Well, Vinny does work fast, when he wants…hint hint. No, but seriously, Remains is fucked up. He owns a large stash of guns and bullets, which he keeps in various places in the house. These include, but are not limited to; the tool shed, the bottom of the Water-type aquarium, in the crawlspace, in bags of unpopped popcorn, in the tank of a toilet, under the sink, up his urethra, in Tiny the Wailord's stomach, and buried in the backyard. Vinny and I, being counted as "Friends", are allowed to see how many guns he owns. The answer is several thousand. We have seen him pull out hundreds before running away to go bump uglies somewhere. We could have stayed, but we got bored and horny. Don't give me that look! If you had to choose between sex and watching some crazy, asexual, hormonally imbalanced teenage metalhead pull out an endless supply of guns from out of nowhere, I'm sure you'd pick the sex. Wouldn't you? _Wouldn't you?_

Sorry, I should have been watching what Athena was typing, instead of her ass. How we, as quadrupeds, are able to type so well is beyond me, but whatever. Another thing; "Master" frequently gets in trouble with police. Just tonight, in fact, he got arrested for running naked down the street, claiming that, "the magic bitches made me invisible, son!". We're currently debating whether or not to bail him out, but it doesn't look good for him. The police are almost positive that he was not under the influence of any Pink Floyd, so they have no idea what caused him to do this. Athena and I have a good idea, however-he was being himself, like always. We've told him time and time again not to act like Remains-act like someone more normal, we said. Act like someone respectable, we said. Be more like Gandhi, we said. But no, he had to be Remains, get naked, then run down the street claiming to be invisible. Look, I'd love to go on, but typing this has made me realize how much my life sucks ass, so I'm going to bed.

Vinny just left, looking depressed. I'll have to talk to him later. Now, this is the last one, because I'm bored, hungry, thirsty, tired, and horny (no pun intended). This guy-this _fucking _guy is the worst person I've ever met. However, he's also one of my best friends. I have no fucking idea what it is-could it be the way he routinely eats dental floss and bubblegum? Maybe it's from that time where he tried to make a re-enactment of Fallout: New Vegas with live ammunition and real nukes? Or maybe it's from that time he stared blankly at a T.V. screen for sixteen hours, convinced that Adult Swim was "punking" him, or something, before finally coming to the conclusion that the T.V. wasn't on and that he was a dumbass. Whatever it is, Remains has something about him that makes me want to see just how stupid he can get before seriously injuring himself. As long as that stays, Vinny and I will, too.

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><p>AN: Wow. Athena got a little sentimental there, eh? Anyone who was offended about any jokes; P.M. us the joke that offended you, as well as why it offended you, and the two of us will either replace it with something less offensive, or remove it entirely. Thanks, and happy April Fools Day!


	12. Exeggcute and Exeggutor

A/N: In honor of Easter, this next chapter is based on egg-shaped Pokémon. Special thanks goes to the person who gave me the idea for this one (I won't mention any names, but they know who they are, and credit for the idea goes to them)

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 12: Exeggcute and Exeggutor<strong>

Yes, in honor of a religious holiday, I'm making fun of sentient food. Again. Just another day on FanFiction dot net, eh?

We'll start with Exeggcute. Well, the thing about Sir Spellcheck up there is this; it's a pile of eggs. That's right; eggs. As in, plural. Multiple unfertilized Pokémon eggs, if you will. If there's eggs, does that mean there's also sperm somewhere? Can the two fertilize each other? Would Exeggcute crack open, revealing a new Pokémon, or would it mutate into a new one, like someone injected it with the chucklefucking G-Virus? So many questions, so little time…

Is each egg filled with a yoke? Is it possible to crack one open and make an omelet? Would the others get pissed, or would they be cool with it?

During the Easter holiday, would each egg be filled with candy instead of abortion? If so, then I would smash as many of the fuckers as I could. What? Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same! It's candy we're talking about!

Am I the only one who's noticed that the one in the back is retarded? It doesn't have a face, but it does have a lobotomy…

For additional weirdness, I feel like I should point out that Exeggcute and its evolution Exeggutor are both Grass/Psychic. Lolwut. Like, what's the point? They're both eggs. Either way you look at it, they're going to end up scrambled. It doesn't matter if it's by a Fighting type or a Fire type, they lose and get turned into dinner.

If there's a Pokémon based on eggs, do you think there's one also based on bacon?

I'm going to assume that Exeggcute are prepared like normal eggs. That is, they have the holy Hell beaten out of them by some guy with a mallet, then tossed into a frying pan and left to sit for a few minutes, then served to some ugly, disgusting, Obese lady in a Denny's. Hey, I'm mean, okay?

You know, I've been talking about Exeggcute for a whole three hundred words, and never one mentioned Exeggutor. Here's the thing; Exeggcute are defenseless. Exeggutor are fucking terrifying. Just look at it. See that hollow, demonic grin? The one that screams, "I'll swallow your soul the same way you swallowed my baby's (that is, sunny side up)!"? Yeah, that's FUCKING TERRIFYING.

In addition to the aforementioned terrifying…ness, Exeggutor are clown-shit _insane_. No, really-they will murder anything that wanders in front of them in the most brutal way possible. Bear in mind that, unlike Absol, Exeggutor does not have a dingus (or, for that matter, arms) to do the tearing with. How does it do it, then? Answer: Psychic. Do you feel that? That wetness travelling across your trousers? Yeah, that's a normal response upon having the vision pasted in your head. Go ahead and change your pants, you big pussy-we'll take a short break while I do the same.

Right, now I have to talk about the big, glaring Donphan in the room (if you're reading this, please send me a Water type so I can take care of said Donphan, because it keeps asking for sexual favors from me. I'm scared.) That Donphan is this; Exeggutor has multiple heads. The number can vary from anywhere as low as two or three to more than six. That's actually pretty creepy. And the worst part? When a head gets too big, it drops off and becomes an Exeggcute. Upon doing so, it joins up with five other Exeggcute, thus forming another clusterfuck of eggs. I guess that answers the question of their origins. Granted, it was answered in the creepiest way possible and will probably keep me up all night, but whatever, it got answered.

Apparently, Exeggcute double as seeds. In that case, if you plant one, will it grow into an Exeggutor, or a normal tree? Either way, they both have something in common-an axe will get rid of them efficiently enough.

Also worth mentioning is the fact that there must, AT ALL TIMES, be six Exeggcute together in that clusterfuck (and, just like America, one-sixth of that group must be retarded. Again, like in America, this is mandatory). If there happens to be less than six, the remaining five will search for an egg-like object to replace the missing one. These include, but are not limited to;

1. Infants

2. Other Pokémon, usually either eggs or smaller ones (I lost an Eevee this way)

3. Footballs

4. Mortar shells

…And many more. Just look at that list. You've got psychic eggs with dangerously unstable high explosives, crying babies, sports memorabilia, and entitled bitches. Okay, if ever there was a moment when I've wanted to just kill something, it's now. These things have officially collected almost everything I hate. The only thing keeping me from killing these eggs right now is the absence of-

5. Rap C.D.'s

Goddammit.

Right, so I got in trouble for stomping on those eggs, the Eevee, and the infant. Apparently, all of those things are frowned upon. Who'd a thunk it? Not me-that's why I did it. Why, no-nothing is sacred to me.

Here's something else worth knowing before you light a fire near either of these fuckernauts-they're explosive. Those multiple eggs and heads are apparently filled with nitroglycerin or some bullshit, as they will fucking explode like an Electrode when burned even slightly.

There's apparently a myth going around that a giant Exeggutor is living in Viridian Forest. However, much like the female orgasm, it's just that-a myth. And, much like with the female orgasm, many people were left unsatisfied.

Each of those heads, by the way, has a mind of its own. That means they can launch fucking multiple Psychic attacks in every damn direction if they want. It also means that it never holds a one-sided conversation. Honestly, it's missing out-talking to yourself brings out the best in a person. By the way, just a random thought but; if one head gets schizophrenia, will the rest get it also, and hear the voices? What if one becomes bipolar? What then, huh? What then? WHAT THE FUCK THEN?

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><p>AN: Happy Easter, everybody! If you don't celebrate Easter, then too Goddamn bad, I'm still wishing everybody a happy Easter! If Hallmark can sell cards, I can say the same shit those cards are saying to even more people who don't care, and I can do it for free!


	13. Galvantula

A/N: Yes, I know what you're thinking. Where the fuck was I for two months? Well, that's not important. Right, I'm just going to write this shit, then go to bed. Okay? Okay.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 13: Galvantula<strong>

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><p>Okay, so before I do this entry, I have a public service announcement; some maniac has been going around my neighborhood, peering through my window, occasionally pointing at me menacingly, and generally scaring the holy shit out of me. If you see him, shoot on sight.<p>

Glad that's out of the way. Now I can move on to-

…

Wait…

I'm doing Galvantula today?

I'm stricken with _arachnophobia _and they're making me do an entry on an arachnid?

Well, fuck. Guess I'd better get this thing done and over with before I decide to NOPE the NOPE out of this fucking place.

Right, Galvantula. As previously stated, it's a spider. Yeah. Scared yet? You should be. Oh, and hey, did I mention that it's an electrical spider? You read right, folks. Now we've got not only a spider, but a spider that can deliver ten thousand volts faster than an electrical outlet to a kid with Down's syndrome in a car wash.

This just in, that joke has earned me a ticket to Hell.

Now, you're probably going, "but, magical 'Dex of derp, how do I kill it?" Answer: fire. Lots and lots and lots of fire. Burn that shit to ashes, son. Then, when it's burned to ashes, burn the ashes, then put them in a jar, and leave them at a nuclear testing facility. Or, you know, just get a really, really big boot. It may be able to fry your 'nads until they resemble aged prunes, but it's still just a spider. If, for some reason, you don't have access to an overlarge boot, find a newspaper and/or a paper towel, or something. Pretty much anything that will work on a normal spider will work on this hellspawn.

Those multiple eyes stare into your soul. They see all, they know all.

By the way, do you see those hairs all over the thing's body? It can and will fire those like arrows. And they hurt, too. And they carry neurotoxin that will paralyze your ass for easier feeding.

Also, speaking of feeding, Galvantula have no mouths visible. However, do not make the mistake of assuming this means that they can't eat. They can. So, next time you see a giant, yellow, electrified, conspicuously placed spider web, don't point at it and say, "Ha! The thing that made this has no mouth! It can't eat! Watch, I'm going to just stand over there and shit all over it!" Nope. Don't ever do that, children. Even more so, don't enforce it. That web is the home of a giant, multi-legged, carnivorous stun gun. You are poking the Beedrill's hive with your dick if you get within twenty feet of the web. So (and I can't emphasize this enough) DON'T. FUCKING. GO. NEAR. IT.

Hey, hey, listen! Galvantula don't like to be touched! Don't try and pet it like a dog, you will die a horrible, electricity based death, and all your asshole friends will laugh at you. And rightfully so, I should add-you tried petting a giant electric spider. Not their fuckin' fault your ass got toasted harder than Goose from Top Gun. I miss you _so much, _Goose…

Oh geez, that guy's at my window again. Is…is that the Bed Intruder? Jesus God, I think that's the Bed Intruder. Well, children, for the first time since the Depression, 'Ole Remains is calling on the police, and not just for target practice and free badges.

Know what else works to kill Galvantula? Raid. Yeah, like the insect repellant. Raid. Oh, Off also works, as well. Come to think of it, if it can repel and/or kill and/or cause the offending arachnid/insect to shrivel up, turn red, collapse in on itself, and die (and, subsequently, turn into the most METAL thing you've ever seen in your entire life), it will sate both your new fear of spiders (which, frankly, I'm sure everyone has. Like, ninety-five percent sure, okay?) and your bloodlust (again, I'm, like, ninety-five percent sure everyone else has this. Go kill a giant spider, or something. Just be sure to give no fucks while doing it. Cool guys give no fucks about anything).

Well, would you look at that, this shit's still going on. Here I am, high on Vicadent and Ibuprofen, and I'm still (literally and figuratively, but mostly literally) pulling advice directly out of my ass with salad tongs and a spatula. All for you people, remember that. I stick kitchen supplies up my ass and withdraw advice for you, just to make sure you avoid giant, eight-legged, electrified (I repeat; ELECTRIFIED) bugs that somehow manage to masticate without mandibles. Come to think of it, it'd be weirder if this fizzbitch couldn't masticate. I masticate, you masticate, Galvantula masticates, we all masticate. It's natural. If you don't masticate, you will die. Remember that and go masticate, children. For the record, I have no fuckin' clue what I was talking about before I went off on that mastication tangent. HAHA! I said tangent. Wait, did I really just type, "HAHA! I said tangent!"? Fuck it. Keep it!

Right, now to finish off this shitfucker (that's my new favorite word, by the way. Whenever you use it, I get paid a quarter). So, to recap, Galvantula is bad, it will zap your eyes into cum pudding, eat your soul, and do all kinds of shit to your dessicated corpse. Most likely, it will lay eggs in your asscrack, then silently laugh while they hatch before its own babies devour it. Remember; it's a spider, and spiders get eaten by their babies. .

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><p>AN: For the record;

Masticate= to chew

Also, sorry about the overly long hiatus. I decided to just wait until school ended to type this bitch. Could I have at least posted a notification? Yes. And, for that, I'm sorry to all…5,900 of you. At least, I think that's how many hits this thing has…speaking of which, all of you are awesome, 'cuz I just hit another milestone! I'd throw confetti, but for the life of me, I can't find any confetti.

…

Arceus, that weird guy's back again.

To the panic room! AWAAAAAAAY!11!1


	14. Scyther (Tai)

Okay people, so if you have enough care to read this thing I'd like to introduce myself properly. My name is Bill Slick (No Homestuck jokes. I know all of them.) and I'm the bigget fan of this little Derpedex project. If you haven't figured this out already, I'm that creeper referred to in the Galvantula chapter. No seriously, it's me. I do realize I was creepy. However, this is not what I'm supposed to be writing about. To be declared biggest fan of Derpedex, I have written my own "report" on a Pokemon. This one is particularly badass; I'm doing Scyther.

Derpédex chapter Who The Hell Cares: Scyther

Alright, so I'm pretty sure you people remember Absol. That fucker is practically made of swords. But discounting claws, how many blades does Absol have? Two. Its tal and its dingus. Scyther however has SIX blades. Two hand thingies and two pairs of wings, all of them count as blades. And that's not the end if it.

Okay so you may be wondering, oh, it's a bug, how can it harm me? Well, those blades, however thin they might seem, are actually pretty damn sharp. Excusw the ocassional typo I make, but my fingers still hurt from interacting with that motherfucker. Yes, if you havent guessed, I own a Scyther (his nsme is Ares). This morning, I attempted to measure how exactly thin Ares's handscyhes are. And he just started to hack away at my hands! I'm lucky I escaped with just five sitches.

You can wonder further, oh but those handscythes are so thin, they must be fragile, I can just brek them! Oh you wish it were so simple. Evem if you manage to get close enough to a Scyther to attempt to break his handscythes, he will slice your whatever you're trying to break them with in hal, even if it's your hand. I'm not kidding, I lost multiple of my spoons like ths. And if you want to try it the other way, if you want to get a Scyther to attempt to slice something you'd think he'd be unabke to, think again. Ares once got angry at my Metagross for no reason and sliced off part of his X. That's solid sfeel.

Yes, you read right, Ares got angry for no reason. Scyther's mood is very volatile. It's not just Ares, I know for a fact that other people tens to have problems with Scythers' behaviors too. One of my online friends, snappleJack, also has a scyther, and he (SJ) can barely hold him (Scyther) calm. When SJ caught his Scyther, it was part of a msasive hippie action to save a forest. Yes, a band of Scyters decided to take down an entire forests. SJ says that his Scyther has an urge to slice everything wooden. He (SK) has to have his furniture painted in order to keep his Scyther's woodcutting fetish down.

You know what? I'm just throwing an Arceus story right hree. Like in the original Absol chapter. How did Scyther get created? I imagine it going liek this:

Arceus: So *hic* Mew, that swordy thing torned out pretty bad*hic*ass, right?

Mew: Not at all! It's killing innocent Pokemon all over the planet!

Arceus: Excellent! I have something even *hic* better, and it's gonna blow your mind!

Mew: I have a bad feeling about this...

Arceus: *hic* Look at this!

Mew: Are you kiddin me Arceus? This... This... It has even more swords on it than that last thing!

Arceus: And that's *hic* good, rigth?

Mew: No!

Arceus: Well, ypu could make it *hic* a type that has many weaknesses, like *hic* Bug, so it's be easier to *hic* handle...

WELL GUESS WHAT ARCEUS! It isn't easy to handle! Scyther, in all seriousnes, is only susceptible to one thing, and that's fire. he slices through absoultely everything else no swet. The only downside to this is that everything in your house is probably as susceptible to fire as Scyther is, so you probably shouldnt try to use it inside, or outside for that matter.

You may come across sources like Pokedexes or Bulbapedias that state Scythers are calm and intelligent. Bullshit. The only thing they're intelligent at is 333 ways to slice something. Otherwise, they are only lead by the inborn urge to, well, slice somthing. Seriously, the only way to have a Scyther be caln and docile is after evolution, when it becomes a Scizor and therefoer able to contain its anger and use it only in battle. That's fucking usefull.

Wondering how I caught Ares? Well, Scyther groups have this one rule that when a Scyther challenges the leader of a group, if the challenger wins, the leader has to leave the group, and the chalenger then takes up the leader's spot. Catching on? No, my Ares isn't a defeated leader. Ares is a defeated challenger that the group left behind. I found him in a forest all bloody and unconscious, so I took him home, fed him and took care of him until he recovered, and sice the, my life has become hell.

If you want to catch a Scyther, and I wonder what reason you would have for this besides evolving it ito Scizor, here's my advice: Go into the closest forest and listen closely. If you hear painful screams, it is likely that you're in the right place, ao follow those screams! They'll lead you to a victim which, with luck (read: if it isn't dead), will point you in the direction the Scythers went (and then grab your leg and cry in despair for you not to follow them). And once you actually reach the group of Scythers, make sure you have a decent Fire ype at ready. Or a flamethrower. Either worjs.

Well, how dod I do? Do you think this is worthy of helping me geting the Biggest Fan position? Post your opinionsin the review section, and if you decide that I shouldn't get the post, I'll harass you with more of my chapters throughout the story! So see you later, or never again, based on your decidion.

Courtesy of user TaichiWind.


	15. Kangaskhan

A/N: All credit for the previous chapter goes to Taichiwind. I wrote exactly zero percent of it.

Yeah, this chapter's really late. Sorry.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 15: Kangaskhan<strong>

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><p>My brain is full of billions upon billions of fuck. What in the name of all that is holy is this? It's like the abominable love-child of Hulk Hogan and a yeti! Is that a baby in its stomach? Ugh. I'm going to need a little help from my friends Hard Liquor and Marijuana for this one. And a needle, too. I'm going Motley Crue with this alcohol, son (andor daughter).

Okay, I'm back. I'm completely wasted, tweaked out of my mind, and I'm pretty sure I'm standing in someone else's urine. (I don't know whose it is, but they broke into my house and pissed on the floor. I grow weary of life.) I'll try my best not to slam my head into the keyboard or hit my computer with a hammer. Right, so kangaskhan isihujfaS;fbBBASfbdsibfAbfABFOUf

I apologize, apparently vomiting on your keyboard and passing out on it is not a good way to write a chapter. I know, I know-"It's still better than your normal writing!". I'm aware of how terrible I am. Anyway, what I meant to say last paragraph was the kangaskhan are FUBAR. (That's military speak for, "OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK.) It's got a muscle structure that makes Mr. Universe look like a locker-bound nerd by comparison. Its color consists of "brown" and "browner", with a little black on the head. It's got giant fucking legs that would make a Canadian Log Roller jealous. It has I don't even fucking know on its head-they're either spikes or ears, and all I know is that I don't want to touch either one of those. And, finally, it has an infant in its stomach. AHAHAHA. Cannibalism. But, seriously, I am beyond terrified right now.

Turns out I was wrong-that's not part of its stomach. It's a pouch. In no way does that make me any more comfortable. Think about it-as soon as its child hatches out of its egg (or does it give birth to live young? I wouldn't be surprised, honestly.) it sticks it in a little flap of skin hanging off the stomach, and probably while saying, "sit down and shut up, or I will sit on your face, in a non-sexual manner". Heh heh, people have funny fetishes…I'm sorry, what was I saying before? Oh, yes-the pouch. So, I have a question-is it born with the pouch? Or does the stomach fat naturally separate upon adolescence? Or (even worse) does it make it itself? You know, just wake up and go, "hmmm, I need a pouch with which to suffocate my not-yet-born child. Better go make one!" Oh dear God, my head is so full of unpleasantness right now.

Kangaskhan have a gender ratio of 100 percent female to 0 percent male. To put that in perspective; this is a species made up entirely of vaginas. How do they do reproduction? Did evolution determine this gender ration? If so, why in the fuck would it do that? Wait, wait-I forgot about the omniscient guy in the sky. Well, there's your explanation. When your kid finally asks where babies come from, you can either say, "A bottle of Night Train and a bad decision," or, "The thing in the sky that likes seeing us irritated to the point where we want to send some F-14's out after him sends them down to piss us off. And then he laughs, because F-14's can't go that high. Now go get me my belt so I can beat holiness into you."

That baby in the aforementioned pouch, by the way? It's not a pre-evolution. Oh, no. You see, that would make _sense. _Instead, it stays in that state until it dies. It's like Tuck Everlasting, except there's no lovable slack-jawed yokels or Fountain of Youth for me to drown myself in when I find it. It doesn't age. It doesn't evolve. It doesn't grow. It doesn't stop freeloading off of its (most likely) lesbian mother. It just sits there forever, most likely thinking about how best to take over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a conspiracy theory to replace the, "Jews rule everything, ever," theory everyone seems to love. Sorry, Israel. You just go back to not losing any wars against invading Arab nations and making shitty, overhyped weapons, okay? *Continuity error due to author's undiagnosed retardation. Just roll with it. Not like I had a plot, anyway. God, I feel like punching myself.*

That baby's a parasite. I just now realized that. It's no baby-it's a leech. A giant, baby-shaped leech that sucks that lifeblood from its leech-mother's veins to sustain itself. It all makes sense now…the babies are leeches that incubate in the mother's pouch until reaching the larval stage, at which point they latch onto the mother's veins with their Cthulu-esque rape tentacles and suck the blood right out of her. This goes on until the leech reaches maturity, and is able to finally leave the mother's pouch and incubate baby leeches of its own. Damn nature, you scary.

Well, while you're undoubtedly busy arming yourself for the inevitable leech insurrection that will take place in the near future (you and I both know it'll happen. Shit jut won't hit the fan, that retarded fellow in the corner's going to push it into a bandsaw.), I feel like I should continue giving facts that you can hold onto for when you get captured and forced to serve in leech-mines. So, kangaskhan, interestingly enough, are capable of learning the Dragon-type move Outrage. A healthy portion of my WUT. How? How is it able to use a Dragon-type move when it's more like a boulder than anything else? It just don't add up! The very idea of such a thing being possible shatter's my perceptions of reality! The very fabric of time and space itself is unraveling at a rapid pace, each strand individually screaming, "fuck you!" and flipping the bird with their universe-fibers. A billion atomic bombs of inconsistency are exploding within each and every one of the galaxy's atoms, each one carrying with it an echo of one word, and that word is "why?", and these explosions subsequently result in the formation of yet another universe, all while the Sky-Douche is sitting there, laughing at the foolish little "meat puppets" and how they insist upon rambling on a Word document on a computer about the inner workings of the universe. And, as if in some kind of Cosmic Karma Attack ™, a meteorite hits him in the back of his holy skull, piercing it much like a 7.62 round fired at a sentret, causing the subsequent destruction of everything you ever knew and loved because the glue holding the threads holding the fabric holding the entire universe together just took a KARMIC METEORITE to the back of the skull. And, in your final moment of awareness, you will utter but one sentence;

"That was fucking awesome."

And then, my child, the universe shall die and be re-born, like a sink regurgitating my mother's terrible Tuesday night steak dinners, and the world shall form anew, and it shall be known, far and wide across the reaches of time and space, that this one single act of what-the-fuckery resulted in the destruction and subsequent rebirth of EVERYTHING.

And that's how Equestria was made.

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><p><strong>AN: **Not a brony, just needed something to round off the chapter. It fit.


	16. Jynx

**A/N: **Rather than use this spot to say something intelligent (go ahead, laugh. I'll wait.), I'm going to shamelessly plug my new fic. It's called 'A Rather Unwelcome Burden', and I would greatly appreciate it if you took the time to look at it. See that? No shame. Now, I'm going to go sit in the corner and stare at the wall for a few hours.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 16: Jynx<strong>

Oh, yes. Admit it; you knew it was coming. I know you did. You know that I know that you knew it was coming, and I know that you know that I know that you knew it was coming. Well, let's get this over with, shall we?

Jynx: the Human Shape pokémon. Really, pokédex? Really? _That's _your idea of 'human anatomy'? There's only one place in the world this monstrosity could possibly live in and appear relatively normal; America (fuck yeah!). It's purple, it's got long hair, it's permanently wearing a dress, it's large, and is most certainly _not _in charge. So, it's basically your average Californian. And, before you go on a rant about how wrong I am, I should say that I live in California, and I see these things all the time. Yes, I have to squint in order to tell the difference between "normal" people and a jynx, but dammit if they're not all over the place.

I own one of these, you know. I named it Slutter-Nutter, because I found that quite humorous at the time…and because it's a jynx, and jynx are notorious for kissing _everything. _Literally, everything. There is not a piece of furniture in my house that is free of lipstick stains. The chairs, the couch, the tanning bed (fuck you, that thing is awesome)-they're all covered in the stuff. And all the bleach in the world won't make them come out.

Coincidentally, jynx resemble kangaskhan in terms of gender-both species are comprised entirely of females. Again, there's the aforementioned mating problems, but I won't focus on that today, because I have no bleach left with which to wash my brain out (because I used it all on my couch, trying to remove lipstick. Fuck makeup.)

Unlike kangaskhan, jynx actually has a pre-evolution; smoochum. And yes, it does resemble jynx in appearance. Basically, it's a midget-jynx (or, as I like to call it, a midgynx). Also, it's just as obsessed with kissing everything. This begs the question; would you rather have a midget trying to rape you, or a normal-sized Californian? Pick your poison-either way, it doesn't end well…unless, of course you chose secret option Q, which is, "shoot yourself in the eye". Remember; when in doubt, always pick Q. It _will _save your life (or end it, depending on the choice.)

Wanna hear something creepy? Apparently, jynx's cry resembles human speech. I'm not sure how, but it supposedly does. Okay, that's really, really creepy. It's like some lost soul calling out from the deepest depths of hell, and it probably translates to one of these;

"I will rape you."

"I'm going to bend you over a barrel and show you the fifty states."

"There's a snake in your pants!"

…Yeah, you get the idea. Wow, I feel dirty after typing that. Note to self; go to church. Bring money, but this time _donate _it.

Odd typing incoming! Hey, look! It's an ice/psychic typing! What the fuck? Ice/psychic? Do you not realize what that _implies_? It implies that some psychic Californian went out in the middle of a blizzard (probably while screaming, "I gotta take pictures of this cold powdery stuff for Facebook!"), then got hypothermia, then got rescued, but was left with immense brain damage afterwards. Basically, you get Frosty the Snow(wo)man, except it's more disappointing and has an undeserved sense of self-entitlement and a problem respecting authority. Also, drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

While we're on the topic of drugs, guess what that dress is full of? Yup, it's drugs. Well, it's essentially a Californian, so what did you expect? If your answer was anything other than, "copious amounts of marijuana," you've obviously never been to California, or seen a jynx before. Count yourself lucky if you haven't-you've been spared my living hell.

Now, you're probably wondering, "but, you own guns! Just take Slutter-Nutter out back and have her go the way of Ol' Yeller!".

You think I _haven't? _Dude, I've tried about four times, and each time it's failed. Wanna know why? It's simple, really-jynx can learn the moves light screen and reflect. Bullets may penetrate a lot of things, but magical energy is where they draw the line, apparently. And yes, those are both TM moves-keep in mind, I'm not the sharpest bulb in the deck, so I fuck up a lot. This was one of those fuck ups. Now, I've got a rape-y, humanoid, hideous, evil _thing _after me, and everyone else, and it happens to be immune to bullets, because fuck you, that's why.

In addition to those two moves, jynx can also set up a nasty trap using trick room and double team-you try and run from it, but then find yourself moving slower, because the damn thing just switched off physics. And then, just when you think it can't get any worse, it multiplies into several of itself. In this case, there's nothing you can do; you are, quite literally, fucked.

Actually, there is a way to catch a jynx, if you want to do so (why, man, why?!). First, leave a can of Arizona ice tea out in the middle of a snowy field. Since jynx are similar to Californians, they have a natural desire for terrible-tasting beverages. A such, they will quickly flock towards the tea, and begin fighting over it. This is your cue to run. Seriously, just turn back, fuckwad. It's not too late. Just go home, and forget about it. Nobody will judge you.

Just kidding! No, now's your chance to watch them all duke it out over a drink, and get ready to catch one. When the last one reaches down to grab its drink, that's when you jump out and hit it with a blunt object (don't risk the pokéball; you'll only piss it off if you miss.) Congratulations! You just caught a jynx! Hope you like A.I.D.S., because that's what you'll be getting! After all, you're essentially heading home with nature's bicycle. And, unfortunately for you, that bicycle has been used before many, many times.

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><p><strong>AN:** That's one more chapter down. Time for another shameless plug! Okay, okay-no more plugs. One was enough.


	17. Castform

**A/N: **Another quick update to make up for lost time…and, I've got nothing else to do at three in the morning. I guess I can say that this entire thing is the result of my boredom and great desire to not fall asleep. Yay, I guess?

**Derpédex Chapter 17: Castform**

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><p>Oh, joy. I get to do the cloud today. Well, this is just marvelous. I mean, god forbid the day I get to actually write about something <em>interesting<em>-no, I get the floating gray blob.

Ever get the feeling that life maybe, just maybe, sucks ass?

Well, the first thing I have to say about castform is that it's a cloud. That's obvious enough, but there's a reason why I'm stating the obvious. Tell me-when you think 'cloud', what do you think of? Water, perhaps? Does this perhaps mean that castform is a water type? Ha! No, no it doesn't. You should know better than to take guesses at things that make sense. No, castform is a normal type…at least, in its normal form.

…Which bring us to the next topic; typing. Namely, the changing of them. Yes, castform possesses the ability to change its body structure and typing depending on the atmospheric conditions around it. What does this mean? Well, you can have either a normal castform, a water castform, an ice castform, or a fire castform. Each of these are dependent on the kind of weather-manipulating move used while castform is in battle-sunny day for fire castform, hail for ice, rain dance for water, and nothing for normal. These effects can also take place outside of battle-if you're freezing your 'nads off near Snowpoint, you can be damn sure that your castform will be the ice type, and will rub the fact that it isn't at all bothered by shitty weather in your face. Oh yes, I forgot to mention one very, very important thing; castform is a little son of a bitch.

Castform has an attitude similar to eevee-it's spoiled, bratty, and enjoys making your life shit. It's also just as cardboard as eevee is, without the benefit of a billion different evolutions to make it all worth it (more on that later). Basically, if you catch one, expect to walk around your house covered in snow, rain, and possibly burning clothes (castform is unfamiliar with the concept of self-control and the word 'no'). This attitude, by the way, tends to fluctuate along with the weather. Basically, you can have castform shutting you in a locker, then throwing minivan-sized chunks of hail at you the next. It all depends on the weather. Basically, you're playing Russian Roulette with the troposphere. What you can be sure of, however, is that it will make your life a living hell with its douche-baggery. I own one (because I'm probably a secret masochist, or something), and here are a few of the things it's subjected me to;

It set my clothes on fire

It set them on fire while I was wearing them

It turned my house into something resembling the North Pole, complete with delibirds and snorunts (neither of which I owned previously)

It flooded the entire downstairs, upstairs and basement, all on separate occasions

It shocked my umbreon with a bolt of lightning (this one made me laugh, which made my umbreon pissed, which made it so that I had to sleep in the basement for a little while to avoid being bitten)

It ate my sandwich

That last one is a lot more horrible than it sounds. It was an awesome sandwich, too…

Well, now that I'm done getting sentimental over the sandwich that almost was, I can continue on. If you're like me (I really, _really _hope you aren't like me), then you're probably wondering where castform came from. Here's where it gets weird-it's an artificial pokémon, meaning that it was created by mankind. Apparently, we _do _have the right to play god, and castform is living proof of that. You know what that means, right? We're only a few decades (and a few more drops in morality) away from having our own slave armies made up entirely of clones! Praise be to science and the researchers who created this floating monstrosity of fucked up weather!

As long as I'm on the topic of castform's origin, I should mention what it was originally intended for-it was supposed to be used as a living forecast (hence the name castform). Apparently, it's sensitive enough that is can sense even minute changes in atmospheric conditions, and can change its type to the appropriate one to fit the weather. Of course, this also means you can have some serious fun at castform's expense (don't feel bad; he deserves it for being such a dick, after all). Here's what you do; set your thermostat to "cold-as-fuck" (that's an actual setting on most of them these days), then leave the door open. If you didn't fuck it up, then your castform should now be switching between forms whenever a gust of wind blows a bit of warm air in. Or (and these is even better), put the castform in a steam room. It'll be hot as fuck, but since the steam is a product of water, castform won't know whether to change into its water form or its fire form. If you're lucky, it may just turn into some demonic, monstrous mix of both forms. And it will be quite humorous.

Now, unlike the previous few pokémon, castform actually has two genders, and a balanced ratio between them-fifty percent male, and fifty percent female. Yeah, yeah, I know-I need the obligatory, "how is this supposed to work, exactly?" comment. Well, I'm not one to disappoint, so…

How the fuck does that work, anyway? I mean, it's…well, it's sticking a cloud into a pile of clouds. It's basically just cloud-ception. And how is it supposed to lay eggs afterwards? It…it does lay eggs, right? Honestly, I don't even fucking know anymore. This world is weird, man. I've seen some shit, let's leave it at that.

Well, that put some very, very unpleasant images into my skull. I hope you're happy. Now, I'm going to find some bleach to pour in my ears and a bible to read, because thinking about that made me feel quite…well, unclean, and I need to bleach my brain.

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><p><strong>AN: **Fast updates are always good, right? Right? Now, I need to find something else to do, because I still have a good three hours before I go to sleep, because fuck dreams.


	18. Pelipper (Dean)

A/N: I didn't write this chapter, either. This was a rather generous gift from a user called The Neverending Meep (hence the slightly different, yet not unwelcome format). All credit goes to him, not me.

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter Dean: Pelipper<strong>

*knock knock*

Uhh, hey, anyone here? I sorta need a sign for this…

*door swings open*

Damn idiot… leaving his house unlocked and… on fire?!

Ahh crap, they do not pay me enough to do this sorta thing!

…

How in the hell is this possible? The place is flooded and on fire at the same time?

Oh, I see. A Castform's responsible. Heh, at least that makes sense now.

Let's see, aside from the flooding, there's a guy unconscious on the floor, with a traffic cone on his head, a bottle of Jack in one hand, a Luger in the other, and he's got a wooden spoon stuck up his nose. The CD player's got 'Comfortably Numb' by Pink Floyd on repeat…

Yup. He's trippin'.

And then there's the Umbreon riding the Absol on the couch. The way they're acting, I'd imagine this whole scenario is a fairly normal occurrence, so I guess I can't be too concerned.

…hey Umbreon, is… he OK?

Umbreon: *shrugs* "Bree…"

Umbreon doesn't seem too concerned for (what I hope is) its trainer, so he's fine, I guess?

But having said that, I still need a signature for this package, and it looks like no one's able to just yet.

Ahh hell, it was my last stop, so I'll just wait for the fucker to wake up…

Man, the guy's lucky all his computer stuff didn't get toasted. That'd really suck.

Hey… wait a sec. Derpedex?

Oh! I've heard of this! I love these things!

Looks like he was in the middle of writing up a new chapter when… whatever the fuck happened. But it's due out today, and he's only just started it!

Doesn't look like he's in a position to finish it any time soon, either…

Haha, here's my time to shine!

-.-.-.-

Hey everyone. Mailman here. Remains is… otherwise engaged, so I'ma write this shit. Hope you enjoy it!

Being a mailman, I have to put up with a lot of Pelipper. I'm really not sure why, but the little fuckers insist on trying to deliver mail for us. Let me tell you, these things are retarded. You throw something, it will eat it.

I've tried everything; golf balls, soda cans, a lampshade, my cousin Jeffery…

OK, so I was kidding about my cousin. He was too big to fit, sadly. Funny truth is, Pelipper is quite literally a living, flying trash can. Ever seen Two Chicks One Cup?

Well, throw a Pelipper into the mix, and things get… interesting.

I'll bet you're thinking; 'Oh God, you sick fuck! Why the hell are you forcing the poor Pelipper to do this sorta shit?!'

Well you're wrong. No one ever said I forced them to do this. They will willingly devour your excretions, and anything else you offer them. They even get pissed if you don't.

Bet that's something they didn't teach you on Pokémon Planet, huh?

Now, most experts say that Pelipper are kind, friendly pokémon, and will help smaller pokémon by carrying them in their mouths, and ferrying them to other places.

Well, that's a load of bull. Lemme ask you something:

Have you ever seen a Pelipper drop another pokémon off? Like, pick up a tiny, helpless pokémon wanting to be ferried, take it to the place it wanted to go, and then take its leave, so that the tiny, helpless pokémon (like a Caterpie, for example) could carry on its life, i.e. get eaten by something about 17 seconds later?

Nope. I thought not. That's cause the Caterpie or whatever doesn't survive the trip. I'd imagine it goes something like this;

Pelipper: Hey, amigo! You wanna ride?

Caterpie: W-what? Me?!

Pelipper: Yeah, you amigo! I can take you wherever you wanna go? Sound like a good idea, Holmes?

Caterpie: Well, actually… I do need to get back to Tiny Woods as soon as I can. There's this hole I love to jump in, just so I can piss off my mom!

Pelipper: Is a sure thing, man! Just hop in, and I'll take you there!

Caterpie: In… in your mouth?

Pelipper: Of course, amigo! Where else am I gonna put you?

Caterpie: Uhh… maybe I can ride on your back or something? Seems a bit safer to me…

Pelipper: Don't be stupid, amigo! My mouth has air conditioning, seat belts, and a cup holder! (Now do you get the Two Chicks One Cup reference?)

Caterpie: Ooh, I love cup holders!

Pelipper: That's it, amigo! Now, just slide back, so you don't fall, you hear?

Caterpie: Will do!

…eww, it's so slimy in here…

Pelipper: *gulps* Thank you, amigo!

…yeah. Long story short, Pelipper are greedy fucks that will steal your food/pokémon/children/inanimate objects and eat it. The only things they won't eat are things that're too large to fit in their beaks. Which is quite a challenge. Did you know that those things can hold fifteen gallons of water?

I'm not kidding. Gallons. Convert that into pounds, and you've got yourself a flying trash can that could quite easily carry away your average young teenager, then devour them in the night.

That's a scary thought right there. Perhaps that's why the fuckers are so adamant about delivering our mail. They're waiting for a twelve year old girl to go and retrieve it. That's when they swoop…

Children being abducted by a pokémon isn't unheard of, y'know. There was this one incident in Three Island where a little girl was kidnapped by a pedophile Hypno. Needless to say, things didn't end up so well for the girl. I hear she's still having nightmares…

Anyways, I'm getting a little side-tracked, huh?

OK, by the looks of previous chapters, I'm supposed to discuss how this pokémon came into existence now…

Well, a Pelipper's the pokémon equivalent of a garbage disposal, so I'd imagine that has something to do with its creation. Maybe something like this:

Arceus: God dammit! *throws away paper ball*

Mew: *yawns* another fail, Arceus?

Arceus: Yeah, it's fucking annoying. I should really stay off the weed when I create these things…

Mew: Well, those failures are really starting to pile up. Maybe you should make something that'll keep this place nice and tidy?

Arceus: The fuck, Mew? We're in a plain of eternal, endless white. Why the fuck would I need to worry about the place getting dirty?!

Mew: Hey, calm the fuck down! I'm just tryin' to help!

Arceus: …Sorry. I'm just pissed cause all this trash is cluttering up the place, and I've got nowhere to take a crap, and…

*gasps*

Mew: What? What is it?

Arceus: I've got it!

*manic pencil scratching*

Arceus: There we go! I call it… Pelipper! Something that'll take our shit AND our trash! Works pretty well on water too!

Mew: Oh, that's great, Arceus! Is it… is it ready now? Cause I've gotta go…

And that pretty much sums up Pelipper's creation. The almighty pokeGod Arceus needed a crapper.

…hang on, what the fuck am I sitting on?

Are these bullets?

H-hey Umbreon, why're there bullets underneath this chair's padding?

Umbreon: *shrugs*

OK, final section; catching a Pelipper.

This isn't too hard. Anywhere where there's trash, unguarded babies, helpless pokémon, or human souls, you're bound to find Pelipper. To catch one, all you need is one of these aforementioned things, and something heavy to knock it out with. I suggest a club of some description.

You simply throw whatever bait you have into the middle of a large area, and wait for every Pelipper in a four mile radius to home in on it. As there'll be about twelve thousand Pelipper, and only one thing for them to eat, they'll of course fight to the death over it. A good idea would be to get a deckchair and something to do, because it can take a while for them to settle their disputes; we could be talking days.

Anyways, once a final Pelipper has emerged, victorious and exhausted, it'll try to eat the bait you've left out. If you're quick enough, you can beat it unconscious and even save the bait!

If that happens, you can reuse the bait, should you ever feel the need to catch another Pelipper. They're actually surprisingly useful!

Well, that just about sums this chapter up, I guess I'll be on my-oh wait, he's waking up!

Remains: Ohh, my fucking head…

H-hey, I'm gonna need a sign for-

Remains: *cocks Luger* Get the FUCK away from my cheese!

…Cheese? What cheese? I just need a fucking sign!

Remains: Sign? What for…?

Uhh, this package? It's got something that buzzes in it.

Remains: Ohh, right… I remember now! *hic* Why didn't you just ask Athena? It's hers, after all.

Athena?

Remains: The Absol…

Oh, right! Wait a second, Absol can sign things?

Remains: Of course. Dude, she hotwired my car the other day. Just give her a pen, and make sure you don't lose your hands in the process!

Uhh… sure thing! I'll just… be going now.

Remains: Don't forget to try the veal!

*Slams door*

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><p>AN: Again, all credit goes to The Neverending Meep.


	19. Exploud

**A/N: It's time. Hold on to your ass.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 19: Exploud<strong>

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><p>We're getting into the good stuff. As with the other things I've talked about, we'll start with the appearance. Right, so, it's purple. That's what stands out immediately. It's like Spyro the motherfucking Dragon fucked Deadmau5's weird helmet thing and created Exploud. It also has red eyes, because why the shit not? It's not like it's weird enough, or anything. Nope, not at all.<p>

Right, so let's move on to the important part; is it dangerous? Well, yeah. But it's also a manlet, so no need to worry-just point and laugh, maybe make fun of its mom or something, and it'll probably run away crying or some bullshit. I don't know, I don't own one, but that's not going to stop me from giving you people advice. I still get paid, after all.

Actually, scratch that last statement; Exploud is pretty fucking dangerous, particularly if you like being able to hear. Now, you're probably saying, "how bad can it be?" Well, hypothetical question asker, I'll give you an example, one you can do at home. Simply fire a gun without ear protection. For those of you living in countries that don't let you own guns, allow me to simulate the experience; EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-fuck, my eardrum's popped. Better go to the ER.

Yeah, something like that.

Now, as for what they eat? Well, I've yet to encounter very many Exploud, so I'll take the Internet's word for it (speaking of which, why are you reading this guide when several other, better ones exist? It's almost like you enjoy having your arms torn off and shoved up your ass by a pissed off Pokémon). Well, according to this thing, it eats mainly plants. That's all well and good, but some of us kind of have gardens, and shit. We'd prefer not to wake up to a walking sonicboom chewing on our veggies, because some of us, you know, eat those things. If you're anything like me, you'll end up with a new Exploud-skin rug, though. By the way, I recommend using a Mossberg loaded with slugs; these guys don't go down easy. But, that's just me; if you'd rather fill it with a mag's worth of .223, be my guest, but don't be surprised if it just gets angrier.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, we were going to talk about where to find one. As far as I know, you have to train a Whismur up to get one. But who's got time for that bullshit? Stick that fucker on a treadmill and dangle a carrot in front of it, then go do something that's actually, you know, fun.

See those holes on top of its head? Don't put your dick in there. No, I haven't done it, but I've talked to someone who has, and…let's just say that it now looks like a roadmap down there. Those holes, by the way, are meant to take in air so Exploud can use its sound based attacks. If you see them being to widen and hear a faint sucking sound, it's in your best interest to throw a rock in there. Those holes lead right to the brain, and that rock will get in there and make that fucker go crazy. Then, while it's eating your girlfriend, you can make your escape. Survival of the fittest, fucker.

I will say this about Exploud; they make great amps. So, for all you electric guitarists and bass players out there, you might want to keep that in mind (unless you play black metal, in which case I can get you a great price on a toaster you can use to record your albums). Seriously, this thing is equal to a 100 watt Marshall, at least. Just plug in your instrument, tune up, and play. Also, the sound quality's not bad, either. It's not great, but the sound of you shredding usually covers up the sound of the Pokémon coughing up blood. The last thing you want during a concert in blood on the stage (unless, of course, you play black metal, in which case you might want to tell the toaster to go fuck its own face while you plug into an Exploud).

Did I mention that they make great home defense pets? Some dickhead tried breaking in through your window, and BAM! The window slams into his face at terminal goddamn velocity and kills him. Thanks, Exploud! If not for your inability to give a fuck that the neighbor's kid may have had his popsicle turned into a Shards O' Glass Freeze Pop, we never would have killed that guy! And just think; if we had followed ol' Double Barrel Biden's advice and shot through the door, we could be in jail for unlawful use of a firearm! You know what that means; giant purple boombox beats the vice president every time. No surprise, really; Biden can't even get that wascally wabbit, so we can hardly expect him to get Creepy Window Molester Guy.

Exploud, I should probably mention, have an unhealthy obsession with sound equipment. I caught one trying to fuck my stereo the other day. I would've killed it, but where's the funny story in that? So, I threw stuff at him until he left. And then I locked him in my neighbor's yard. Cruel? Maybe. But I think that same neighbor is the one who's been stealing my mail. I'm, like, 96% sure. Either way, he's going to have a very loud, very purple, very pissed off surprise when he gets home from his extended vacation (I'm pretty sure he was smuggling crack, so it won't be too much of a loss).

Now, to conclude this entry in the 'dex, remember; Exploud are very territorial. Don't go near their children, don't dress as Barney, don't play loud music, and try to stay away from windows. Now get out of my house, before I make full use of the Castle Doctrine and murder you in self-defense. Thanks, California! You've managed to contradict yourself once again.

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><p><strong>AN: Now, I know what we're all thinking. Well, it's been a fuckhuge amount of time since the last update because of school. Luckily, this is finals week, so I have pretty much no homework, and thus have more time for Nintendo-related dickery. And, before you get too excited (because I'm sure you're all so positively ecstatic about this pile of vomit), I'll be working over the Summer, so updates may still be scarce. Regardless, I'll do my best to update as often as possible. Because I like you a lot. 3. **


	20. Deoxys

**A/N: I've been having a bit of a shitty time trying to balance this alongside my common app essays and Summer assignments, so I decided to give all that shit the finger and focus on this for you guys. Sure, the relationship between us may get strained a bit, but fuck if I don't love every last one of you (and don't go taking that the wrong way, you lewdists). **

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><p><strong>Derpedex Chapter 20: Jesus Dicks, It's Been Like Three Fucking Months, Or Some Bullshit. That's Fucking Brutal. Also, This Chapter Is About Deoxys, Because Fuck Deoxys And Fuck Space<strong>

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><p>Alright boys and girls, you know what time it is? That's right, time for another fuckin' legendary. Let's unclench our anuses and put on our big kid pants, because we're about to see some serious shit.<p>

Yeah, like the title implies, this chapter is about Deoxys. Here's what you need to know; he's a massive horse's ass. You remember that time in elementary school where your one friend asked to copy your homework, then got caught, then blamed you for it, and the teacher made you go sit in the shame corner? It's like that. Deoxys is all, "I'm from fucking space, motherfucker, I eat asteroids and shit", and then it points out exactly what's wrong with your scale model of the universe, which sounds cool, because free grade on science projects, but then it just sets it on fire and laughs when you ask it why the fuck it just set your work on fire (hint: "The Big Bang, faggot". His words, not mine).

Also, Deoxys has tentacles. Now, I don't like tentacles; they flip and flop around, all creepy-like, and sooner or later one is going to find its way into someone's ass, and then you'll have some explaining to do at the ER. And that's no fun, unless you've got a tentacle fetish, in which case, go for it, you degenerate. I'll just be over here, stapling every orifice on my buddy shut with the Robotics Club's staple gun (because who the shit owns a stable gun other than mechanic's shops? What am I, a fucking carpenter?).

What are you supposed to do with Deoxys, anyway? It's been established that the piece of shit is untrainable, so what does that leave? Do you play with it, and shit? Or is it just an interesting conversation piece for people who aren't concerned with the mysterious tentacles covered in mysteries fluid lying around your house (you should clean more often, brah. That's fucking gross). Maybe you can cut its tentacles off and make a table. Hey, that solves two problems at once! Those tentacles won't be wriggling around, and you'll have somewhere to put your feet when the family pet gets tired of you using it as a footrest and bites off your toes!

Now that my witty (hue) banter is out of that way, let's talk about Sir Entitled, The Babbling Ass over there. Deoxys is complicated; it likes to eat moonrocks, jump around on Moon Shoes, and shoot the Fourth of July out of its body like Uncle Sam having an orgasm. Alas, no bald eagles fly into your room and shed a single tear over the American flag while singing the national anthem and shitting out an egg containing the Bill of Rights, but you still get the light show. Until your neighbors call the police about how you won't turn off the fucking Aurora Borealis. You should really be more considerate, you fuck.

Deoxys likes space rocks. A lot. Like, if you put a meteor in front of it, you won't ever see it again. I'm not sure what it does with them, but fuck if it doesn't pick up every pebble it sees that's even remotely connected with space, like some kid with ADHD stuck in a Sterling Silver polishing plant. Regardless, if you've got any moonrocks lying around, get rid of them before Deoxys does…whatever it does with moonrocks. Speaking of meteorites; apparently, Deoxys can use them to change its form from something shitty to something that's still pretty shitty, but in either one stat or the other. Want your Deoxys to look like the average Wal-Mart shopper? Go defense…and give it a buffet. Want it to look like a scene kid at an Attack Attack! concert? Go speed, and take that knife out of its tentacles before it cuts something important. How about normal, shitty Deoxys? Well, fuck, just don't go touching any goddamn moonrocks. It's not that hard. It's not like they're just sitting out in the open, where birds, little kids, and shitty comedy writers can empty their bowels all over it. And if it is, then frankly, it deserves it for fucking landing there. Damn meteors, always falling and shit.

I don't know what Deoxys eats, stop asking.

Nor do I know how it eats, drinks, or even stays alive. I don't see a mouth, do you? Maybe it absorbs nutrients through its stomach gem, or something. I'm not sure. Just put a bowl full of food in front of it and see what it does, I guess. I'm not a vet. Frankly I'm surprised you've even bothered to read this far and haven't sued me for the inevitable loss of fingers and trousers you would suffer from following my advice. Is it too late to put a disclaimer in? Well, I'm doing it. Disclaimer: Don't be a fuck. Good enough. I'll let my lawyers sort out the rest.

Finally, the question you're all asking; "where do I get one"? Now, besides the obvious answer of, "why the fuck would you want an entitled bitch as a partner, it's like living with Kanye West for an extended period of time, but with less shitty rapping", there's also another; it's the final frontier, the eternal void, the black abyss, it's the weird guy at the convenient store! He'll give you a weird box with something in it that you need to have a Geek Squad member open for you, and then it will teleport you to the battle arena, where you can claim your own entitled bitch as a pet! Yay, space! Just don't remind yourself that there's no Oxygen; your head will now be aware that it's not in a cartoon, and will explode. Actually, do remind yourself, because exploding heads sounds awesome, and everyone reading that (that is, me, myself, and I) would appreciate seeing chunks of face hit spy satellites right in radio antennae.


	21. Arceus and the Jewel of Indifference

**Wanted to wait until X/Y to do this chapter. Ended up not using anything from X/Y. Felt like a douche canoe. Decided to do something different in a vain attempt to lower my status from douche canoe to douche lord. Settled on a chapter about mystical space Jesus allegory llama. Here we are now. **

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 20-Arceus and The Jewel of Indifference<strong>

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><p>Good day, ladies and gentleman. Please, take a seat and open your holy texts to the first page of The Book of Arceus. Whoever's child that is, please shut it the fuck up before I beat the holy shit out of you. Now, please follow along carefully, because this is a long fucking book, and I don't feel like reading it again. Now, let us begin with Arceus 1:1.<p>

In the beginning, there was nothing. Everything was nothing, but nothing was not everything, because that violated the rules of intervals and leaves you with an undefined answer when your real answer is either all real numbers or an empty set. From this nothing-containing-everything, came everything. How this does not go against the rule that matter cannot be created or destroyed, we don't really know, but please just go with it, because fuck. Also, there was an egg for some reason, and the everything was all, "being holy is hard work, let's make an omelet", and tried to eat the egg. But alas, the egg proved to be too cunning for the everything, and managed to escape. It should be pretty clear that this is quite confusing, but it was written that way on purpose, because you suck, and the gods hate you. I suck as well, but this is beside the point. Also it's never explained why the everything is being treated as a person in the sentences but is not considered a proper noun, nor is it explained how it got there from nothing if nothing cannot contain everything, nor is it explained why there is an egg, but this is only page one, and I'm sure everything will be cleared up eventually.

The egg wandered across time and space for billions of years, despite having neither a timer with which to track those billions of years to measure whether or not they were actually billions of years and not, like, a week, nor a heat lamp to protect it from the freezing temperatures in space, nor did it have GPS navigation to bring it to its final destination, nor did it have a way of telling if it was actually in space and not the everything's belly. Yet, it still wandered, and it eventually came across a land known as The Nameless Land. It is also not explained why there was a floating land mass in the nothing which was contained in the everything which was born from the nothing which also contained the egg which was somehow floating despite nothing about it making sense, but it was there, kind of like those things that float in your eye that you occasionally see and attempt to dislodge, only to stab yourself in the eye with your hand, because you momentarily forgot that they were in your eye, and you're like, "damn, I feel stupid", and those things in your eye are still laughing at you while floating by. Yes, this land was just like that, except that it doesn't float in your eye and laugh at you while making you injure yourself.

The egg decided to rest on The Nameless Land, despite being an egg, and having no free will or thought process of its own. There it lay, for hundreds of thousands of years, before finally hatching into something resembling a giraffe, except comparisons to giraffes could not be made, because there was still just the everything, the Nameless Land, and the egg.

The newly hatched creature, being of simple mind, decided that it was bored, and proceeded to destroy The Nameless Land, with the powers it somehow knew it had, despite them never being mentioned in the text prior to this. It succeeded in reducing the land to space pebbles, which the creature inhaled, not knowing they were carcinogenic. After several doses of cosmic radiation, the creature was healed of its cancerous status, which was also not mentioned previously in the text until now. Pissed off, the creature uttered its first words;

"Bitches and hoes be like new clothes; once you got 'em, you wish you never bought 'em!"

And proceeded to gather up the space dust into a big ball and hurl it further into space. This passage, of course, is where Arceus' Prayer comes from. This prayer consists of nothing more than its first words repeated several times, and is very popular in several Chinese countries, such as Japan.

Anyway, that ball of space shit hurled by a giraffe that resembled a llama and came from nothing, began to gather up more space dust that magically appeared from nothing, until it formed into a planet over billions of years. The creature, surprised at his creation, decided to place life on the new planet because why the fuck not. First, it decided that several things were needed, which we shall opt out of speaking of, since they are scientific and boring. Instead, we will read the condensed version. The condensed version can be found underneath your pews, and consists of this passage; "That long-necked motherfucker created the sun and shit". And so, the creature created a planet capable of sustaining life as we know it, and in its infinite wisdom, populated that planet with his holy seed, which was actually just a bag of seeds he purchased from a cosmic Walgreens, which he also constructed during his time off from constructing all life as we know it.

Once the planet was capable of sustaining life, the creature decided to name itself, and settled on Arceus, because fuck you, it's basically your dad. After doing so, he became indifferent to everything. He stopped caring about his creations, and stopped looking them in the eye when they made love, and never called them at work anymore, either. When it felt that enough was enough, it gathered all its indifference into a jewel, creatively dubbed the Jewel of Indifference, which is currently on display in the Oval Office every other Friday, and the House of Representatives every day other than every other Friday.

With all his indifference removed from his body, Arceus decided to once again begin to watch over his creations. However, it quickly discovered that humans are really fucking weird and, upon being bested at the game of Halo for the umpteenth time, decided not to stick around anymore. It attempted to leave the planet, never to return, but alas! Its indifference remained stuck inside of a jewel, guarded by some of the most indifferent people ever to grace the planet, who were in turn guarded by some of the most elite badasses to ever guard the most indifferent people ever to grace the planet, who were to guard the most indifferent object ever to grace the planet, which was created by the most indifferent being in all of history before it lost its indifference, which was created by nothing which was a part of everything which was a part of nothing. Crushed by this revelation, Arceus decided to remain atop a mountain, waiting for the day it could reclaim its indifference and stop caring about the acts of mankind…until some fucker in a stupid hat caught it with technology it indirectly created, trapping it there forever. And there ends the Book of Arceus. Please place all tips in the collection jar shaped like a penis near the door, and if you parked on the walkway I will shoot out your tires and drown your children in the holy water. Have a terrible evening, and stop sending me emails bitching about my sermons, you lousy gits.

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><p><strong>"What the fuck was that? I know you're writing stupid bullshit, but can't it at least be consistent in how stupid and bullshit it is, and not jump from format to format?"-You<strong>

**"You raise an excellent point, one which I will address as soon as I finish pouring this spaghetti sauce into my anus."-Me**


	22. Espurr

**Mmm, fresh views. That means it's time for an X/Y chapter! After all this time!**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 22: Espurr<strong>

You knew it was coming. Admit it, you fucking knew it. As soon as this thing was spotted in the wild, you goddamn _knew_ I was going to fucking say something about it. Well, wait no more, my good swag-it's finally time.

Espurr tends to live in very tall grass so high that even the sharpest of machetes cannot cut through it. No, your only hope is to burn that shit. So, grab your book of matches, and let's piss off Smoky the Bear. Once that's done, all you have to do is pick up the thing, because it didn't move while you were burning its home down, and it certainly won't move now.

I'm not quite sure what's wrong with espurr, honestly. Estimates range from, "naturally introverted" to "autistic as fuck" and "tripping balls all the time". For once, though, I am speechless, and it's not because I've gone and stuck an open bottle of Windex in my mouth again by accident.

In addition to not being sure what's wrong with this thing, I'm also not sure why'd you want it as a team member. It kind of just stands there the entire match. To its credit, though, they can take a lot of punishment. I should know, considering the few I tried to capture wouldn't go down even after my sylveon hit them with several moonblasts (speaking of sylveon, he'll get his eventually, don't you worry). They do have a limit, though, and that limit comes in the form of my boot. Don't even bother trying to report me to pokémon control, they know me by name by now and are long past the point of caring. Plus, they're made up of like six people, and I can run like Speedy Gonzalez when I'm threatened (or when my Hot Pockets are done, since my douchebag umbreon likes to steal them from the microwave before I'm done, then drink my tears).

Interestingly enough, espurr evolves into the badass that is meowstic, and then it becomes clear why it's so valuable. Namely, "I'm going to outspeed you, kick your ass, then get away with it". Actually, I might have discovered why espurr acts the way it does. Meowstic, you see, is so awesome that espurr is permanently in shock at what it will evolve into, so it stands there in a combination of pants-pissing terror and overwhelming joy. Can you really blame it? It's like a person growing up to become a Terminator-awesome as fuck, but terrifying at the same time.

Interestingly, male and female meowstics have separate body colors, something most other species of pokémon don't have. Males tend to be blue with white accents, while females are white with blue accents. It doesn't sound that different on paper, but it is. It's like the difference between a Gibson and an Epiphone, except with less annoying fanboys from each side. The males and females also have different colored eyes (the males have green eyes, the females have yellow eyes), hidden abilities (the males have Prankster, and the females have Competitive), and I don't know why I'm talking about meowstic, considering this is supposed to be about espurr, but fuck it. Some people take this shit seriously, but for me it's all one big jack-off session.

Look at those soulless eyes. This thing knows what's going on. It's like a fucking philosopher, or some shit. And that's cool, because that means Chuck Schuldiner wrote a song about it, and if Chuck wrote it, it must be cool. Also, it's psychic, and the females can learn future sight if you train them long enough without evolving them into that badass ninja I couldn't stop talking about a minute or so ago. See? That just gave me some credibility. Assuming you take my theories as facts, which you fucking should. I'm the _dex_, motherfucker! I am the comprehensive guide to all things pokémon! The professor said so himself when he gave me to you! Well, actually, the first part's not entirely true-I'm actually just some fucker who records information for the dex and lives on a farm with a ton of pokémon (all of which are definitely used exclusively for research and definitely not for drug running, arms trafficking, getting put on NSA watch lists, terrorizing the local population, stealing candy from babies and the elderly, throwing wild parties at 3 AM, or having sex with, and I plead the Fifth on all of those, so don't even try calling the police) and makes money by telling you misinformation and half-truths. Still, you should trust me, because I'm brutally honest (that's a lie), and I'm also the only pokémon information system around (also a lie), so you can't really do much without me (also a lie; you pay my salary. Please don't stop paying your monthly subscription fee that was mentioned in very, very fine print at the bottom of the contract you signed to be given before receiving a dex. Goddamn, bureaucracy is fucking _everywhere_ these days, isn't it?).

Sorry about that, my tangents are very long. Now, if you want to raise an espurr, you're going to have to feed it by hand, because it's more than happy to just stand there and starve to death. You're basically taking care of a statue for a while before it turns into a ninja and starts putting its foot up as many asses as possible. So, that means feeding it by hand, helping it chew, helping it swallow, helping it drink, and doing all kinds of shit with it. Luckily this doesn't include actual shit, because espurr is apparently above that. Damn cats.

After all of this shit, there's still something I don't get. I've mentioned the eyes, and that's the main thing, but there's one more. I'm talking about the feet, of course. How the fuck do its feet work? It's basically standing on an upside down traffic cone. Is that comfortable? Does it offer good arch support? Does espurr even _have _arches? Why am I focusing on its feet when there are probably several other things that are just as weird that I could focus on more? Because fuck you, that's why, I'm busy talking about this thing's weird-ass feet. It's like it's permanently on its tiptoes. What the fuck, espurr? Why can't you just have normal feet like everyone else? Those things look like twigs, yet somehow aren't broken in half like stale breadsticks whenever someone hits them with a low kick! How does it work, why aren't we funding research into it, why aren't we giving that technology to soldiers, and what the fuck am doing asking these questions when this is clearly impractical as fuck for people who aren't eternally high on something? I don't know, I'm just the dex. You shouldn't listen to me, I don't even have the computing power of a first-gen Ipod, and I weigh more than a brick. But, you know, I get paid, so by all means, keep giving me your money so I can live a life of slightly impoverished decadence and assholery. It's what most people over he do on a daily basis, anyway.

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><p><strong>Probably could have done an XY chapter sooner, but I was having trouble thinking of a good pokémon to use. There aren't a whole lot of new ones, unfortunately. Luckil I've thought of a few possible choices to use for the next entry, so it should be less tedious.**

**Also, ARUB has updated after six months, which I'm happy about. The only problem is I was stupid and uploaded it at 3 in the morning. So, if any of you were watching for that (all ten of you), there you go. Well, you take the good, you take the bad, you take the happy, you take the sad, and there you have my author's note. **


	23. Delphox

**Because one of you requested it, and because I had no reason not to do it.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 23: Delphox<strong>

FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT FURBAIT

Sorry, just wanted to get that out of my system first. It doesn't matter, though, because it's that time of year again, kids! That's right, the time of year when the Americans celebrate the time they stopped fighting with the indigenous tribes in their country and ate a fuckhuge amount of bird, before immediately commencing with Genocide 2: Genocide Harder. And this means that it's time for a celebratory roast! I say "roast" in the loosest sense of the word, by the way. This isn't a roast, this is a fucking sideshow where the audience keeps coming back for more. So, let's all put down our birds and decorative top hats with buckles on them for some fucking reason and celebrate with a nice, steamy helping of bullshit!

Now, the first thing you'll notice about delphox is its most pronounced. I'm speaking, of course, about its ears. What the fuck is up with those goddamn ears? It's the very definition of old man ears, except delphox doesn't smell as bad and isn't being stalked by the grim reaper. You'd need a fucking weed whacker to even make a dent, and then a machete to finish the trim. Those are pretty much the only things that will work. I've tried chainsaws (the hair got stuck in the blade and caused it to jam, then explode), razors (the hair got stuck in the blade, causing it to fly off and explode), those motherfucking fire arrows the Americans used to free the shit out of the Vietnamese in that one war your uncle won't talk about because it cost him two legs and a testicle (the arrows got tangled up in the hair and were extinguished…and then they exploded). Everything I've tried has failed to make even the smallest dent in anything except my wallet. Your only hope is to go with the weed whacker and machete, and that's assuming your delphox will sit still for its salon treatment (spoiler alert: it fucking won't, and you'll quickly learn what it feels like to take a steamroller to the dick, if your dick was in your brain). Did I forget to mention how much delphox tend to love their disgusting ear hair? Well, they do. If that hair was a woman, delphox would take it out to a nice seafood dinner, then never call it again. That's how romance works, right? I'm asking because I've only ever felt something even remotely resembling intimacy from my pokémon (IT WAS NEW YEARS AND I WAS DRUNK OFF OF SHITTY BOOTLEG ALCOHOL AND HAND SANITIZER DON'T EVEN FUCKING ASK I SWEAR TO SHIT).

In addition to loving their hair (that's still gross, by the way), delphox are assholes. Just look at it. It's always got that stupid grin on its face for some reason, and it holds its stick in a way I'm not at all comfortable with. Frankly, is anyone comfortable with the way it holds that thing? I genuinely don't know. There's not really a whole lot that phases me (except spiders, clowns, Fender guitars, most of Detroit, Seth Putnam, papercuts), but if my anus clenches just looking at it, I can only imagine what it does to the rest of you, and to be honest, it's pretty funny. All I can picture is a bunch of you running around, clutching your asses, saying, "MY ANUS IS BLEEDING MY ANUS IS BLEEDING". I mean, I'm probably doing the same thing, but still, it's pretty funny, even with all the blood and searing pain. You ever see that one music video Cattle Decapitation did? Eh, never mind.

I still can't get over that fucking hair. It's like someone collected all the pubes from the vasectomy wing of a hospital and glued it to delphox's ears. Do hospitals even have vasectomy wings? Fuck it, I made my point.

You ever notice how tall the fucking thing is? It's the size of a goddamn adult human. Is there a particular reason why it's that tall, or is whatever designed it too busy taking a break to inject smack into its eyeballs to offer up an explanation? Do you think whatever made delphox is reading this bullshit right now? It's probably not, but fuck, one in a million chances still have a chance of happening, right? Hey, creator of delphox! Why's it so motherfucking tall? It's like planting a Redwood tree next to a cactus. What's the point? You know it's unnaturally huge for a reason, so how about laying it on us so those of us who stay awake at night pondering this shit can finally go to sleep, you fuckhead?

You know what fucking sucks? Delphox in battle. Everything fucks it over. If it gets hit by a supereffective move, it's going down. And odds are that it will be hit by a supereffective move, since it's weak to some of the most common types people like to use, such as water, dark, rock, and ground. And no, it doesn't learn anything good to counter any of those. Hey, remember stealth rock? Remember how much it fucking sucked seeing your friends get torn to bits when you let them out to fight so you could earn money like a dickpenis (it's okay, we've all been there…you dickpenis)? Yeah, have fun dealing with that, especially when your pokémon can't take a hit, outspeed anything, or do relevant damage to the thing that laid down the hazard in the first place. Am I going a bit overboard? You bet your ass I am, and it's all because of that motherfucking hair. I'm still fucking pissed off at that shit. There is no reason for it to be that long, absolutely none. If I wanted to deal with hair that long and that unkempt, I'd either go to one of the local clubs near where I live and watch a metal band perform (seriously, you people need to get your hair cut), or go hang out at the retirement home and play chess with old people for a day. But that's not even the worst part, oh no. You wanna know the worst part, the part that overshadows everything else that's so bad about delphox, the part that produces the most unfathomable rage within me, to the point where you could boil water on my forehead if you put a picture of delphox in front of me and placed a cup of water on my skull? It's in a dress. A fucking dress. Yes, even the males. Every single delphox that has lived and ever will live wears a dress. Why does that piss me off? _Because it's a fucking fox in a dress_. I know this world is clown-shit insane with its creations, but _fuck, _this is Disney-tier bullshit, right here! I mean, rabbits with arms for ears? Fine, fucking whatever. Eeveelutions with bows made of flesh that it can command to do whatever? Fine, fucking whatever. A goddamn newly discovered type that makes my dragon pokémon piss themselves so much that the store is now setting up a shipping route specifically for more my house so I can immediately get all the bleach I need without hassle? Fine, fucking whatever. But a fox in a dress? Now, that's where I draw the line. Now, I know, "But gardevoir has the same problem!". No, fuck you, gardevoir isn't a _motherfucking fox._ We finally know what the shitfucking fox says, and it sounds something like, "HAHA BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS, FUCKER". Well, delphox, I'm going to respond in a polite and cordial manner-fuck you, for two reasons. One, you made me bring up that motherfucking shitty song (goddamn you people for making that shit so popular, Jesus tittyfucking Christ), and two, for wearing a dress. Now, I'm going to say this once; I'm going to go up to every delphox I see, and I will pull a pair of garden shears out of my ass if need be, and I will trim several inches off that fucking dress and turn it into a pair of mega gay short-shorts, sexual implications be damned to hell and back. And then I'm going to turn the pieces of dress I cut off into ultra-comfortable gloves, and then I'm going to go home and read a book.

Your move, delphox, you dress-wearing shitbag.

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><p><strong>I love my delphox, but that hair really pisses my shit.<strong>


	24. Aegislash

**Derpédex Chapter 24: Aegislash**

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><p>Before this chapter begins, I'm going to establish some ground rules for all of you. These rules are to be followed, or else I'll cordially ask you to fuck off and die. Number one: no talking about Excalibur, because I will get mad. And not just Excalibur, but everything related to it. No Merlin, no King Arthur, no Knight of the Round Table, no Monty Python, nothing. Number two: no talking about katanas, because I will get mad. Are we good to go? Okay, let's fucking do it, lads.<p>

I'll begin the chapter officially with a little history lesson. Swords were invented a long time ago, when dinosaurs still walked the Earth, and Cartoon Network still had more things worth watching than things that weren't. Some guy decided, "Brah, I'm getting real tired of mutilating the Christ out of animals with my bare hands, since they now have the consistency of tree bark, and since that gigantic fucking cat just took a big chunk out of me. I should do something about that". Well, that guy never did anything about it, instead choosing to drink prehistoric beer with his friends and talk about more important things, like when they were finally going to see the last episode of Samurai Jack. But the idea carried over into future generations, and sometime in the '90's, someone finally invented the sword! Of course, we already had guns at this point, so it was kind of a moot point, but still, swords. And then came the first form of aegislash; honedge. It's literally just a sword with eyes, in case you're wondering. It's also ghost type, for some stupid reason. Anyway, we got honedge, and then doublade (_two _swords with eyes!), and finally aegislash (a sword _and shield_). I'm not quite sure how any of those work together, but fuck it, I'm not getting paid enough to care. Anyway, since honedge wasn't around until the '90's, that means that it came after humans, and since it's based on human technology, you probably know what that means. All of this is one hundred percent factual, and in no way an exaggeration or incorrect, so shut up and listen, because I'm right.

Aegislash is certainly interesting. For one is how it performs in battle. Depending on what move you have it do, it will "change its stance", which is a highly technical term meaning, "I will occasionally put my shield in front of myself to protect against attack, but only if you ask". Why it can't just keep its shield in front of it and launch attacks from behind it, I have no idea. Whatever keeps it happy and away from electrical outlets.

Contrary to popular belief, aegislash is not actually genderless. It's an even fifty/fifty split between male and female. I don't know how that works, and frankly I don't want to. Do they sword fight until the deed is done? Do they swap shields? The more methods I name off, the weirder and weirder it gets. I don't want to go on, but something is telling me to suck it up and keep naming off methods by which swords can fuck, so here goes. Do they share scabbards? Maybe they sharpen each other? Perhaps they take a visit to the local blacksmith for a steamy, sensual trip to the forge, where they can be melted down into raw materials, cool, and then be reformed into a slightly more shitty sword? I don't know, I can only know some of the answers. I'm not here to serve as a fucking research database; I'm here because you couldn't invest the extra fifty dollars into getting an actual pokédex. Way to go, champ. You got the handheld computer equivalent of a Kinect bundle Xbox. Go ahead and give yourself a nice pat on the back with your pet sword, I'm sure it won't mind.

Speaking of Kinect, have you ever seen a newly evolved aegislash try and fight? Seeing it try and get used to the weight of the shield is pretty great. It flails around like one of Microsoft's Kinect testers, except with aegislash, there isn't an annoying message constantly popping up on screen telling it to move back a little bit more, please, despite the fact that it's already at the fucking wall, and FUCKING GODDAMN KINECT JESUS DICKS I JUST WANT TO PLAY RISE OF NIGHTMARES WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT I WASTED SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY ON THIS PILE OF SHIT IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY I ATE NOTHING BUT RAMEN NOODLES AND BIDOOF FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

Sorry. My therapist told me to never mention the K word since it causes me to stress out, foam at the mouth, and bite my espeon. I do it anyway, of course, but espeon doesn't mind…at least, not when he throws me through a few walls after I'm done, but still, he doesn't mind. Now, back on target. Aegislash is one of the few pokémon to have a form change that occurs in battle. The only others I can think of would be castform and darmanitan, plus the ones I can't remember. It's even rarer in the fact that its form change is dependent on which type of move it uses. This brings us to our next topic; aegisalsh gets a signature move. Believe me, I know what you're thinking, but it actually isn't absolute buffalo shit. It's basically a really fancy Protect, except, in addition to cock blocking your opponent, it also injects them with anti-steroids, making their attacks feel less like musclebound hellspawn, and more like pissed off old ladies (provided the opponent uses a physical attack move). It's bullshit for the receiver, and a source of endless joy for aeigslash's trainer. You ever see a grown man shit his pants once he realizes his attacks are doing about the same damage as a wiffle bat against an Abrams tank? Use aegislash, and you will.

No, you can't pick up aegislash and swing it around while shouting like Link. It's not recommended that you try, either. Aegislashes tend to get mad when used as weaponry. I like to compare it to stealing a woman's tampons so that you can soak them in water and throw them at people; it works much better when frozen, and someone will get pissed and cut off your hand. Of course, then you can punish your aegislash by connecting it to your hand like Captain motherfucking Hook, but you might not want a sword that hates you have the ability to stab you in the genitals whenever you piss. It isn't fun for either party involved. Believe me, I know. Don't ask me how I know, just trust that I know. Considering how far you've gotten into this thing so far, trusting me seems to have done you nothing but good, so why stop now?


	25. Klefki

**Derpédex Chapter 25: Klefki**

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><p>Yeah, this one was a given. Probably because we're starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel, and are about to dig through the bottom and begin our descent to the center of the Earth. As the title suggests, today is the day I get to talk to you about Boo Boo Keys up there, so let's have a little fun.<p>

Now that you're done with having fun, let's continue on to talking about keys. Keys kind of suck. You lose them easily, the locks are finicky, they're easy for someone to take and make copies of, you can lock them in places they shouldn't be locked in, you can forget them, and there is no way for you to remove destiny's foot from deep within the confines of your ass if one of these things happens. So, knowing this, why in the name of our non-denominational llama would you decide to get one capable of thought and semi-articulate speech? Do you enjoy losing living things? Are you like a four year old with a pet hamster? Actually, given that you're taking advice from me, that last one is far, far more likely than it should be. And yet, you still decided to adopt some keys. Maybe the shelter suckered you in with the whole, "yeah bro, it totally opens the door to a new car, just take it out of the store and never come back, especially not with the police," trick. I don't know, but I can only think of so many reasons why keys were your top pokémon priority.

Remember that new type they just discovered? The one people are making fun of for being all pink and shit? Yeah, that one. Well, guess what klefki is? If you guessed psychic, congrats, you're fucking stupid. Klefki is a fairy/steel type. Okay, kind of weird. When I think of a floating set of keys (as I am known to do, because keys are _damn sexy_), I don't think, "yeah brah, this thing flies around and grants children wishes and shit". And yes, that is exactly what fairies do. I would know because I watched the Fairly Oddparents for years and years. I'm like an authority on fairies. And trust me when I say that fairies are supposed to grant wishes, and klefki does not. It won't even get you a new car, or bike, or plane, or locker. It will just look at you like you're brain damaged for asking it to. Hell, it won't even _open _your car, bike, or locker. Never before in my life have I met a set of keys that has proven to be so impractical…except for maybe the ones to my guitar case, but that's just because I hire midgets to stay in there and watch my gear for a few hours. I also dress them up in tiny suits, because it amuses me. I highly recommend doing this for any important items you may have. Remember - they're midgets, not people.

Now, where was I before I started talking about midgets? Magical floating keys, or something. I don't know. Fuck it, I'll just keep talking about them and hope that I started the entry based off of it. Blah blah no mouth, hurr no nads. General bullshit, and all that. All of my common complaints rolled into one bite-sized paragraph that's guaranteed to be fun for the whole family. Would you care for me to elaborate? Because I'm going to, no matter what you say.

I can't tell which part on its face is which. Where are the eyes? There are two holed near its mouth, could those be them? But, then what's the gigantihuge fucking pink thing in the center of its skull? Is it just for show? Probably, but where's the fun in that? Next I suppose you're going to tell me that fun has no relation to whether something is factually correct or not, but you know what? That makes you the fun police. I'm sorry, Officer, I wasn't aware that this was a no fun zone, I'll just take all this fun I'm having and move it to a place where you can't supply it to Mexican drug cartels like you're so fond of doing.

Was that last part out of line? I feel like it was out of line. If I wasn't already on a watch list, I certainly am now because of it (well, the fact that half my tabs are currently instructions on how to make homemade firearms, explosives, and phallic objects of various lengths out of pieces of a toilet probably isn't helping). Am I tangenting again? I am. Dammit. Is it time for keys yet? Let's go back to keys. What's that giant fucking keyhole in the front for? Does it unlock itself? If not, then what is it for? Do other members of the species unlock each other? Is that a common way of courtship in the world of living keys? "Hey babe, wanna go out for dinner, and maybe unlock after?" That's creepy as balls, and a good way to have someone choke-slam you into a table. Luckily for you, I have a new book coming out, detailing what to do in the event that your unlocking fails, entitled _So She Denied Your Obviously Sexual Advances, and Someone Bigger, Stronger, and Faster Than You Choke-Slammed You Into a Vomit-Covered Bar Table: The Complete Guide to Being Creepy and Not Being Choke-Slammed Into a Vomit-Covered Bar Table: The Anthology: The Third. _It was written by my klefki, who forced me to publish it, or else he would key the fuck out of my car. Did I mention they like to do that? Because they do. They're like kittens with a ball of yarn, except kittens are cute, and klefki is a keyring, something not generally considered "cute", except by the most die-hard automobile fans.

Apparently, klefki will threaten people by jingling their keys at them. Is that really "threatening"? Because it doesn't sound like it. That's what you do to make babies laugh themselves to sleep - you jingle keys in front of their faces. I simply can't bring myself to be even remotely threatened by something that made me piss myself laughing before I turned two. The only exception would be when it's keying me car, but even then I'll be more pissed (and more heavily armed) than I was as an infant. By the way, if you want a good idea of what I was like as an infant (and I know you do), just imagine a baby sticking its fingers into an electrical outlet and giggling, and you should have a pretty good idea.

Klefki will never let go of a key it picks up. Well, what the fuck? What if it grabs my car keys? Do I need to fetch the circular saw again? Also, does this effect apply to all kinds of keys? I think I still have a beta key for the Halo 3 beta lying around. It's technically a "key", so would klefki attempt to stick it on its ring? What's stopping me from tearing it off when it does, anyway? Fairy magic? Silly reader! Fairies can't use magic. If they could, they'd be granting wishes.


	26. Chesnaught

**Derpédex Chapter 26: Chesnaught**

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><p>Because I was going to do this one eventually, and people have come up to me in public and demanded it while putting knives to my throat. People kind of suck, you know? I tried explaining that I was planning on doing it eventually, and they just kept that blade pressed firmly against my throat, so I shot them.<p>

You think _your _weekend was bad? Buddy, you don't even know.

Have you ever been walking along a path, saying to yourself, "Goddamn, I'm pretty hungry. You know what would hit the spot? A nut. Preferably of the chest variety. And preferably about 5 feet tall, with a face, and massive spikes on its back, so I can talk to it and not be lonely anymore." And then everybody laughed at you because you said it out loud in the middle of math class, and then you noticed your pants were around your ankles, and then you woke up, and then you noticed the gigantic killer nut in your bed next to you, asking if it was as good for you as it was for it.

Don't lie, you know it was.

Now, has that situation ever happened to anyone? …Maybe. I designed it to be hypothetical, but I know that at least one of you is currently jumping up and down, pointing at the screen and yelling for mom to come take a picture, that way it will last longer. Enjoy your 15 minutes buddeh, because then it's back to the cold, crushing isolation of anonymity. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the description given of the gigantic killer chestnut still rings true, probably because we're talking about chesnaught this time. And don't even try and argue with me, because I'm right. My online diploma says so. Also, because chesnaught clearly looks like Godzilla cut a hole in a chestnut and fucked it. I can't accurately describe the sensation, but I can only imagine that it somewhat resembles the sensation of putting your dick in a Cheerio, while several thousand Japanese people run around in circles below you, always moving their mouths as if they were talking even though no words are coming out. Also, it being Japan, about 3/4 of them are taking extreme close-ups and posting them on the Internet so people can jerk off to it later, but that's hardly worth being mentioned, since pretty much everything in Japan is subject to the same fate.

You ever watch _Ed, Edd, n Eddy_? Of course you have, because you're a cool guy, and cool guys aren't cool unless they watched it. I could use a gender-neutral term, but fuck it, the kids love it. You heard it here first; the 'Dex cares about the children more than anything. Damn kids. Now, where were we? Ah yes, the TV show. Anyway, since you're a cool guy, you already know that Ed has no neck. Well, guess what else has no neck? Chesnaught…well, maybe. I don't know. They gave me one picture to base the entire description for it on, so I could be wrong. Usually they give me a folder of 5 or 6, but our interns spent the photo money on crack, and were then eaten by a roaming pack of lawyers, so we only have the one picture. And in that picture, it just so happens that Chesnaught does not have a neck. It has a shell, but then its head just kind of sticks out of it at a weird angle. Try to imagine, if you will, a life without your neck. Now try to imagine the same thing, but without the inevitability that you will not be able to live any more, since everything that was supposed to be inside your neck has now been pressed inside your brain stem, and is making you die a very painful death. That's what chesnaught goes through, except without the whole "dying" part.

Don't try and eat it. It doesn't taste like chestnuts, and whoever told you it does it lying super hard. They are telling you a metal-coated lie that is wearing a cape and flying around. This is how we lost the first group of interns, except it was totally worth it, because it was pretty damn funny, even after the lawsuit that reduced the "we" down to an "I". Did I ever tell you that I'm so alone? This is fucking awful. I live here with a bunch of high-maintenance animals with superpowers, most of which want to kill me, and I make no money. By the way, we're selling some T-shirts, so check it out. We couldn't afford cotton or wool, so they're made out of sawdust and masking tape. Give one to someone you want to divorce, or something.

The spines are just for show. I'm not just saying that. The spines don't do jack shit. Go up, break one off, pick your teeth with it a bit, store it in your ass if you want, who the fuck cares? It won't hurt you. It's like using a Nerf baseball bat, except much softer. Of course, this only applies to the spines. The rest of the chesnaught is still very deadly, and is now very pissed that part of its body is now several inches deep inside of your anus. I would tell you to get the fuck out of there, but you just put a potentially sharp object into your anus, so any potentially helpful advice would most likely be lost on you. Dumbass.

This thing is like a motherfucking tank, or Ozzy Osbourne's career. Whatever you throw at it is either going to come right back at you, or is going to do absolutely fuck all against its defenses. I've personally witnessed one flip over a 50 ton tank and take several grenade explosions. But enough about Ozzy. As for chesnaught, it's about as durable as that. The good news is that, like everything, chesnaught has its limits, and these limits come in the form of the A-10's GAU-8 Avenger Gatling Gun. No matter what you are, you can't stand up to 30mm of fuck you travelling at 3,250 feet per second and firing 4,200 rounds per minute. Where other things look at a wall, cry, and go home, the GAU-8 says, "what wall?" and then, with a cry of BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT, lets loose its deadly payload at it, leaving what amounts to a stain on the ground.

I am no longer allowed to own a chesnaught. I can't imagine why.


	27. Cofagrigus

**One of the big downsides to doing this thing is that weird feeling I get whenever I write a new chapter that keeps telling me I've done the current pokémon before.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 27: Cofagrigus<strong>

Quick question; what do you get when you mix the little girl from The Exorcist, shadow puppets, red contact lenses, and a coffin? You get one guess, because it should only take you one, considering the name is right up there. Ha! Just kidding. You're dumb. The correct answer is, "nightmare fuel", AKA "How I Learned to Stop Sleeping and Shit My Pants". There are no other answers. You fail. Hope you like janitorial duty and minimum wage. I know I don't.

One of the best, most overlooked things about shadow puppets is that they go away when the lights are turned off. That, and you can punch the shadow puppeteer because seriously? Fucking shadow puppets? If I wanted a clown I'd hire a clown, you raging cockasaurus. Well, you can't exactly do that with cofagrigus. For one, it's quite used to the dark, since it lived in tombs and ruins for…however long ghosts live for. Can ghosts even die? What's the point of self-preservation if you can't die? Can dead people still get STDs? Whatever, ghosts. And for another, it's ghost type. Can someone please explain how that even works? Sure, it's ghost type, but it still has a physical form. Plus it's carrying around a fucking casket on its face. You should at least make contact with that. I'm not saying I'd prefer the dozens of broken bones to the feeling of ectoplasm slowly swallowing my hand, but it would at least make more sense. By the way, ectoplasm makes for some great lube. I highly recommend it if you ever need to unstick your drawers.

Let's just establish one thing here; cofagrigus is definitely undead. Know what else is undead? Zombies. Yeah, cofagrigus is a zombie. Don't believe me? Look at its ability, appropriately called Mummy;

"_When the user is hit by a contact move, the attacking Pokémon's Ability is turned into Mummy, overwriting the Pokémon's previous Ability."_

Sound familiar? Maybe like something else that's undead and has been gaining traction in popular culture after several popular FPS games put them in because they were just fucking around? Or maybe after AMC decided to put them in a show that stemmed from a comic book (that was clearly superior in every way to the show, don't even try and argue with me about that), and then proceeded to run that show into the ground in its most recent season (don't argue)? Yeah, it's a damn zombie. So, this brings up a very, very important question; how do you kill it? Well, normally I would say holy water, except the big indifferent asshole in the sky decided that holy water was too cliché, and instead decided to make us use holy shards of glass. What a dick. Anyway, you can't use holy water, but you're welcome to try other methods, such as brute force-wait, no, it's ghost type. Hmm. Maybe stabbing it up, stabby style? …No, the knife will just pass through… Maybe try headshots? …No, you probably can't even hit a stationary target, let alone a transparent, undead, bloodthirsty one. I feel like there's someone you should call, in this scenario. A team, perhaps. One that specializes in dealing with the paranormal that carries mini nuclear reactors in backpacks and drives their own special car and once saved New York and has a member voiced by Bill Murray. Wait, I've got it! If cofagrigus gives you trouble, you're supposed to call Corky's Pest Control! They'll know what to do!

If you're still reading this, it's because the Corky's guy was turned into a zombie. It's also because he's currently pounding on your (now barricaded) bedroom door, and you really need someone to tell you how to get rid of him, because he's an asshole. Well, repeat after me thy holy phrase; I am royally fucked in every orifice imaginable to man and some imaginable only to computers. There's really nothing you can do at this point. You are going to be infected and forced to eat your neighbor's face. Shame, he was a great guy before you got to him. You dick. Well, while we wait for zombie man to claw down your door, let's keep talking about the floating coffin, shall we?

Cofagrigus is the evolved form of another pokémon called yamask, which is a ghostly mask. If the connection is lost on you, it's because you're never heard of death masks before. School should really teach you the important things in life, in that case. Things like how to manage your taxes, how to file a formal complaint against people who have done nothing wrong, how to wipe your ass the proper way, and what death masks are. Still, that's beside the point. Yamask turns into cofagrigus, which turns into floating Armageddon. I always knew the world would perish at the cold, clammy, sensual hands of the undead. I just didn't think it would happen quite like this.

That coffin is made of gold, by the way. Now, I know what you're thinking; "I need to get that gold. Think of all the weird shit I could do with it. I could trade in some of it for fifty dollars in cash, then go to the currency exchange station at the airport and exchange that cash for foreign money of equal value, and just keep doing that until the exchange fee left me with nothing, and then I could go home, poorer in terms of monetary value, but much richer in terms of spiritual health". Well, you could. That's assuming you can get to it, though. Cofagrigus (cofagrigi? Cofagriguses?) don't like to be touched, breathed on, talked about, or looked at, let alone have their fucking gold coffins stolen from them. You ever hear of the mummy's curse? Well it's real, asshole, and you just fucking let it loose. Now there's an army of zombies converging on the most densely populated areas on the damn planet, ready to consume everything that's able to be consumed. I should take the time I have left to issue a charming PSA; don't come within fifteen feet of my house in any direction. That's the kill zone. That entire area is a false floor that's activated remotely. When activated, it collapses, dumping whatever's on it into a pit filled of nothing but printouts of an average trip to FFN; every single bad OC and Mary Sue I could possibly find. There must be a hundred thousand printouts down there. Of course, you will be spared if you can sing a charming musical number. Hope you know your showtunes.


	28. Pikachu

**Shit's been real crazy, yo.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 28: Pikachu<strong>

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><p>Oh, boy.<p>

Ohhhh, boy.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. BOY.

_This _thing.

_This fucking thing._

I don't even know where to begin here. It looks normal, right? Cute, even. Maybe a little chubby, but hey, you're totally okay with that (don't lie to yourself). So, what's the problem?

Well, you just sit back and let me do _all _the work, you sexy beast.

Before I say anything, let's take a quiz. What's yellow, brown, and overall mediocre? …My toilet, for one, but that isn't the answer we're looking for. No, we're actually looking for pichu.

"But, glorious comrade Dex!" you say, clutching your copy of _The Communist Manifesto _tightly against your chest, "This entry is about pikachu, not pichu!"

Very observant. Unfortunately, you are also wrong, and for that you will be shipped to a gulag very shortly to work for the Motherland until red pride oozes from your fingertips and comrade Stalin himself thanks you with a swift kick to the groin and a grain of rice. We're talking about pichu because its mediocrity is so bad that it actually carries over to later stages in life. It's a lot like getting a major in music or art history-sure, you busted your ass off my four years to get it, but in the long run, nobody worth working for cares. There is nothing good about pichu. It's whiny, it's annoying, it's a goddamn rodent, and it likes to shock random shit every chance it gets, like someone gave a toddler a pair of socks that could stretch over its entire body and then set it loose in a room made entirely of doorknobs and shag carpet. It also evolves through happiness, which is bullshit-ese for "we don't know how the fuck this thing actually evolves, so fuck it, it's happiness". What does that translate to? Feed it expensive vitamins until it shits excellence, and then hope to God you didn't piss it off somehow. And be warned; these things get pissed off _real _easily. Did you drip water on it after getting out of the shower because you didn't have a towel, since they all fled after seeing you naked? It's pissed off. Did you feed it after midnight? It's pissed. It also probably killed an old lady, but she was old, so it's okay. Did you that you're not supposed to put too much emphasis on the "Pi" part of its name? It's pissed off. Did you piss on it? It's pissed…on, I guess. I don't fucking know. Do I call it pissed off or pissed on? Can I call it both? It's mad, and it's covered in piss, so which is the best choice? I need _options, _goddammit!

You remember those old battery commercials where the rabbit played the drums? You know, the ones that he made after he stopped doing the commercials for that one cereal that cuts the roof of your mouth, but before the heroin addiction? Think of pichu like that. Now, picture pikachu as being exactly like that, but about three times as fat, and it's about twice as temperamental. Pikachu is like the angry ten year old girl of the pokémon world; the world constantly revolves around it, it's always mad about something no matter what, nothing's ever good enough, and everything it likes sucks. The only difference is that angry ten year old girls eventually become bitter twenty year old girls, and pikachu will always stay the same. It's definitely an investment, and a bad one at that. Do you hate having time to yourself? Think that a good way to live is caring for an ungrateful leech that amounts to a monetary tapeworm? Then pikachu is for you. Enjoy it, while I enjoy…well, doing much of the same actually. Have I told you all yet that it's a bad idea to live on a farm with hundreds of animals capable of killing you in the blink of an eye yet? Because it is. Don't ever do it.

Do you like BDSM? Then you'll love pikachu! It's like a never ending car battery! So, grab some jumper cables, hook that shit up to your nips, and fucking go to town. The rest of you are free to go clean the vomit off of the front of your shirts, but please come back, because I have a family of 237 or so to feed.

Some idiot kid has this pikachu that's supposed to be the strongest in the world. Meanwhile I'm sitting here looking at tons and tons of porn and arguing with myself, but also calling that kid a fucking idiot. Having the strongest pikachu is like having the hairiest dick; it's fucking disgusting and very few women give a shit once they've seen what dealing with one is actually like. Also, pretty much anything can utterly destroy it in a few hits. I've seen videos of this guy battling with his pikachu, and it's pretty fucking great. He has no idea what the hell he's doing half the time. For an idea of what it's like; take a blind guy. Now tape his mouth shut so he can't use echolocation. Now take away his awesome walking stick (fuck you, you know those things kick ass). Now that that's all done, put him in the ring against Hulk Hogan, and you've got a pretty good approximation. Or, if that's a bit too "out there" for you, just try picturing the state of New York fighting against every other state, because let's face it, they've got it coming. PIZZA IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEEP DISH NOT THIS CARDBOARD CUTOUT SYNTHETIC GREASE BULLSHIT I KEEP GETTING SOLD ON THE STREET. ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE SEEDS I KEEP FINDING? I'M EATING PIZZA, NOT A FUCKING SALAD!

Now that we've established that pikachu is utterly worthless as both a battle buddy and a friend, let's talk about its evolutionary form. Did I mention there's an evolutionary form? No? Huh. Well, it evolves when exposed to a magic rock that came from…somewhere. Krypton, maybe. Wait a minute, wait a minute—if Thunderstones came from Krypton, and pikachu evolves from being exposed to the Thunderstones, which came from Krypton, then that can only mean one thing.

Pikachu is General Zod.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD. KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.

…Or don't, since Superman wins anyway. Was that a spoiler? It shouldn't be, considering Superman always wins. Fucking comics. If I wrote something like that you'd all be mashing the report button faster than the computer could register. Then again, it could just be because I would've been the author.

I feel like I've gotten off track here, so I'll end it with this; fuck pikachu, fuck its evolutions, fuck Stalin, fuck Superman, and fuck comics.


	29. Goodra

**Derpédex Chapter 29: Goodra**

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><p>What the hell do you expect me to say? It's a dragon made out of Flubber. Next pokémon, please.<p>

What, you wanted more? Damn, you guys never make it easy on me, do you? Well, fuck, let's dig up some more shit on goodra.

I'll start with its weight. Take a look at goodra. Go on, I'll wait. Now that that's done, let's take a guess about how much it weighs, shall we? Whatever you guessed, it's wrong. The correct answer is a metric fuckton. To put that in non-stupid terms; it weighs about 332 pounds. For those of you living in places that use the metric system, you'll just have to stick with calling it a fuckton. Now, I don't know how much an ordinary piece of Flubber weighs, but it can't be that much. So, why the hell does it weigh so much when stacked together in a 7 foot pile? I don't think it has bones or organs, it's fucking Flubber!

I should mention that about now is when I start raiding the liquor cabinet, so I'm going to be getting progressively drunker and make less sense with each paragraph. Try not to judge too harshly until you've had to do my job, as well as care for 250 animals all at once.

Why is it a dragon? I don't look at pictures of dragons and go, "man, you know what this thing needs to make it even more dragon-like? Motherfucking _goo!"_. Shit's gross. It gets all over the carpet, it oozes from the walls, it attracts pests, and it's fucking impossible to clean. I've tried everything to clean this shit, from bleach, to whatever that asshole Vince is selling, to fire, to bullets, and finally just trying to eat the shit, and nothing works. By the way, it's not very appetizing. Have you ever been to a party populated entirely by frat boys? Take how that smells, but apply it to taste as well (after removing all the sexual assault charges, of course), and that's about the same as goodra goo.

Have I mentioned that goodras like hugging people yet? Because they do. Oh god, they do. I had one for a bit, and every day it was the same thing. You wake up, get dressed, eat something, and go to the bathroom to brush your teeth, only to find your toothbrush covered in goo. Then you look up, and a gooey dragon lands on you, because it had suspended itself from the ceiling like it was in goddamn Mission Impossible. Then you fight your way out of the goo before you suffocate, and wonder exactly which god you pissed off to deserve such a fate. Then goodra notices that you're sad, and starts hugging you again. This cycle will repeat all day until you lock it in a room, and even then there's a chance that it will break out like the fucking Kool Aid Man and go after you. Pop quiz; there's a giant purple gooey dragon chasing you up the stairs, _what do you do?_ Do you;

A. Submit to your fate?

B. Submit to your fate, but reluctantly so?

C. Scream until it goes away?

D. Call the police, report that a crazy person has taken you captive, then request that they come and kill it for you?

Trick question. Actually, you're supposed to point out that your neighbor is sad, and watch as goodra breaks into his house in order to hug him to death. Because fuck your neighbor, that guy's an asshole.

The observant ones among you might notice that I referred to my goodra in the past tense in the previous paragraph. That was not a mistake. Yes, I did have a goodra. The problem was that its goo attracted pests. Insects, to be exact. Now, one day when I was dealing with more important matters (AKA: my umbreon stole my Dying Fetus concert shirt, and I had to chase him across town in order to get it back, because he's a quintuple motherfucker), these insects became so abundant that they were able to lift my goodra up off the ground and fly away with him. Now, there are two things that came about from this; the good thing is that I'm not getting hugged by gooey Barney anymore, and the bad thing is…actually, there is no bad thing. He's in a better place now, free from the oppression of Pokémon Control. I'm happy, he's probably happy, everyone's happy!

Are you familiar with the term "donkey punch"? Because it's basically what defines goodra. Minus the sex, of course. I'm weird, but not that weird. No, I mean it punches like a motherfucking donkey. That shit hurts, man. What, you've never seen a donkey punch before? Motherfucker, I'll show you what it's like. Just go get punched by a goodra. We've established that they're practically the same, so go nuts. I'm not kidding, goodra punches like a motherfucker. You ever been hit by a train? Of course you haven't, because you're not a fine red mist spread over several hundred feet of wood and steel. But just for a second, imagine that you've just been hit by a train. Now, you're going to get, like, half a second before everything dissolves, and in that half a second, you're going to close your eyes, and you're going to go, "whoa man, that wasn't a train, that was fucking goodra. Shit, the 'Dex was right, man! It _was _like a train! Well, looks like it's time to dissolve". And then you're going to dissolve. But hey, at least we finally established that I'm right! Actually, wait, we've established that before. But hey, at least you finally admitted it! Maybe this ghetto as fuck pokédex is good for something after all!

…No, it really isn't. The hell were you thinking, bro? Give me money, by the way. My goodra got kidnapped by bugs, so I can't go around charging people money for goodra hugs anymore. Wait, that's a bad thing! Dammit, now I have to go back up there and edit the fucking good thing/bad thing section.

…Just as soon as I finish throwing up. Alcohol is a hell of a drug.


	30. Regigigas

**Derpédex Chapter 30: Regigigas**

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><p>I'll begin by stating the obvious: I'm mad. My computer finally ate it, you see, so I have to do this entry on a fucking Commodore 64, save it to a USB drive, and then find a computer to upload this thing on. This USB drive isn't even mine, it belongs to my asshole friend who loaned it to me. Of course, he made sure to fill it to the brim with porn, so I've got to deal with that now. It isn't even good porn! It's like fucking 1930's porn, or something.<p>

What's that? Nobody cares? Yeah, I know. It just makes me feel better sometimes.

Can I ask a question before we begin? Why does regigigas suck so hard? It's got so much going for it, and then it ruins it by moving like a tank with its treads removed. And what a perfect analogy that is. Regigigas is perfectly capable of both giving out and receiving massive amounts of damage, but ask it to hurry its ass up, and it'll stare at you like you're completely retarded.

Now that we've established that this thing is shittier than a janitor's hands, I can move on to the next bit of background information before going more in-depth. I've obtained all of this information from repeated battles I had with the regigigas in Snowpoint Temple. If you're wondering why it woke up for me when I do not own a regice, regirock, or registeel, I don't know. I guess it just doesn't like me and felt like it needed to kick my ass before going back to sleep. The point is that this is some credible shit, man. Do I only have one side because I only fought against it, not with it? Maybe, but goddamn, I saw enough.

You know the move Rest? The one that every pokémon in the world can learn? Yeah, that one. Well, guess what? Regigigas can't learn it. What the shit? Rest is a move that quite literally consists of just getting your ass in bed and going to sleep, and this thing can't learn it? That's complete bullshit. This thing was fucking asleep you found it, and you're telling me it can't go to sleep now? Do I even need to say how fucking dumb this is? Well, I'm fucking going to, anyway. This is so dumb, there isn't a word to describe just how dumb it is. This is so dumb, that my slowbro feels like Albert fucking Einstein when he thinks about it. This is so dumb, that it is wearing a cape. This thing has transcended the boundaries of dumb to achieve super dumb. That's how fucking dumb this is.

Know what other move it can't learn? Motherfucking Protect. Again, this is something that pretty much everything can learn. It consists of concentrating slightly harder than normal to prevent an attack from hitting you in the face. My fucking flareon can do this, and he can't do anything right.

Do you want to know the real tragedy of regigigas? The reason why I can't recommend you to even dream about having one that's not awful? The simple fact of the matter is that the thing is a fucking asshole. It makes you crawl through a tower that some overprotective bitch won't let you enter, then you've got to freeze your balls off because nothing in Snowpoint has central heating for some demented reason, then you've got to fight your way through a metric fuckton of overpowered Ice types, and after all that, it won't even give you the time of day until you bring its friends over first! I tried pointing out to it many times during the course of our battle that it was being very inconsiderate as a host, and that I should be treated more respectfully as a guest, but it just ignored me and chokeslammed my umbreon into a bunch of icicles a few times. In case you were wondering why my umbreon and I tend to have a rocky relationship, that's one of the reasons why.

Why the fuck does it have grass growing on it? Is it part Chia Pet? Did it glue some of my sister's cooking to its limbs and forget about it? Does it trim the grass, or pull weeds, or anything? What happens to it if bugs and parasites start living in the grass? Actually, is it even real grass? Maybe it stole some of that shitty plastic turf off of college football fields, or something. If it is real grass, why does it continue to grow, even in the temple? The inside of Snowpoint Temple is dark as all hell, colder than a vat of liquid nitrogen, and deader than a graveyard in a thunderstorm, but grass is still capable of growing? I'm no scientist, but I've always been under the impression that grass needs some form of natural light in order to grow. My flashlight doesn't really fit into that category, although it would be helpful to get my leafeon to quit her bitching.

So, is there anything redeemable about regigigas? Not really, no. If it stays alive past a certain point in your battle, it will start moving its ass like it's on the beaches of Normandy, but by that point, it's either down to low health, or down completely. Even fighting it was boring; it consisted of my umbreon hitting it with Toxic, then trying to avoid it as it lashed out in rage. It got him a few times near the end (with the aforementioned chokeslam), but it was already too late for it to make a spectacular comeback. There is not a single impressive thing about regigigas, in terms of its ability in battle. It's slow as fuck, it can't learn two very useful moves, and it leaves itself wide open to things like Toxic on top of all of that. Even fucking luvdisc laughs at this thing, and luvdisc is about as useful as the garbage can next to my house.


	31. Sylveon

**Derpédex Chapter 31: Sylveon**

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><p>It's about time they gave me an eeveelution to do. It's been a while since I took a massive shit over eevee, so I guess it's only fair I get to move on to its evos. As many of you can already guess, there's a reason I picked sylveon, and that reason is because it's weird as shit.<p>

Let's address the ribbon issue first. Why does it have ribbons? They don't appear to serve any purpose other than to take up space and be annoying. Wait, no, they hurt sylveon when someone pulls on them, so I guess that's a positive function. Since I know you're wondering; no, I don't like sylveon very much. It weirds everyone out. My pokémon aren't sure whether to embrace the fact that it's giving them an erection, or punch themselves in the balls until it goes down. What can you expect? Every single sylveon looks like a girl. All of them. It's those stupid fucking ribbons and those stupid fucking bows. It would've been cool if the males just got the bow on the neck and the females just got the bow on the left ear, but no, each of them gets both. And it doesn't end there, either. You see, there's something you need to know about sylveon, and that is that they will all gladly spend every waking moment of their lives fucking the nearest living thing. I am dead fucking serious. I'll walk into a room and see one just molesting the nearest potted plant. They'll molest topiary, they'll molest their trainers, they'll molest other Pokémon, and they'll even molest themselves. How in the sweet mother of ass do they do that? Well, they find a ditto, molest it until it transforms into an exact copy of its molester, and then molest the copy. It's gotten so bad, that I have to sleep with several stun guns under my pillow, just in case one decides to break into my room.

Do you see its eyes? Do you fucking see its fucking eyes? They stare right into your soul, man. It's like an espurr, except espurr won't rape you until you bleed from everywhere. I'd rather deal with the autistic cat than the hypersexual dog, but nope, I don't get that, do I?

What the fuck kind of type is Fairy, anyway? And why is it so good against Dragon? Can fairies beat up dragons in most fantasy stories? I'm pretty sure they can't, but I wouldn't know, since they kicked me out of the library because my cyndaquil kept lighting ancient manuscripts on fire. Who gives a fuck about history? Everything interesting already happened, and everyone interesting is dead. Reading about them won't make them come back.

You know, for a species made almost entirely of sexual sadists, sylveon can be pretty damn cute when they want to be. I've had one come up to me on the street and beg for food from my hand. Of course, it tried to rape the tree right beside it once I had given it a good portion of my sandwich, but hey, it's not all bad. Only like, ninety six percent. I don't know, what's math?

So, at this point you're probably wondering how you're supposed to get one. The answer is simple; love your eevee unconditionally, and make it love you back. Now, you most likely remember the entry on eevee, where I essentially called it a stuck-up bitch that can't take a hit. Ignore all of that if you want to get a sylveon. Treat that stuck up-bitch like fucking royalty, and maybe it will start loving you. Mine only evolved because it was stupid and irritated my snorlax to the point where it got thrown off a mountain, and I just happened to be in the prime position to break its fall with my face. End result: it evolved, and I got to go to the emergency room and get reconstructive surgery done for the fourth time. If you don't feel like catching useless balls of fur with your head, then you're shit out of luck. You can try playing with your eevee, but come on, do you really think it will care about whatever it is you're trying to make it do? Oh yeah, there's one very important thing I forgot to mention; while trying to make your eevee not hate you, it has to know a Fairy-type move. Charm is a good option, but before you go trying to force your eevee to learn it, consider that you'll be making your future rape monster charismatic on top of hypersexual. If it still seems like a good idea, you might be really stupid.

I tried getting my sylveon neutered, you know. I really did. The only problem was that nobody would go near it with a thirty foot pole. Is it because you're really not supposed to castrate things that equal or surpass humans in intelligence? Maybe, but you really don't know what it's like having to live with one of these things. I figured they'd at least make an exception, but nope, testicle severance is against the law, apparently. Am I disappointed? Just a little. It wasn't a total loss, at least; the idea that I was willing to cut its balls off actually caused my sylveon to calm the fuck down for a bit, so there's that. It also now avoids me like I'm trying to give it cancer, so that's also good. The only downside is that it won't stop following my umbreon around, and he's very mad about that. I would help him out, but he stole my concert shirt, so he can deal with it himself.

Speaking of Dark types, do you know what else Fairy is good against? Probably, since that question most likely gave it away. Yeah, Fairy can easily kick the shit out of Dark. I guess that's why my umbreon won't even try and launch an attack at my sylveon now. Personally, I don't blame him. If he attacks it, it'll most likely attack back, and if that happens, he'll be knocked out, and being unconscious around a pink, tentacled, sex-obsessed hellbeast seems like the opposite of what you would want.


	32. Flareon

**Derpédex Chapter 32: Flareon**

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><p>Remember back when I said flareon was absolutely useless last chapter? Yeah, I stand by that statement. Flareon is truly, truly useless. It would be sad if it wasn't so hilarious. I've seen mine try and set a tree on fire, fail, and then curl up and start crying for several minutes before falling asleep. I find it a little sad, but a lot more humorous. I've had paperweights that are capable of doing more than flareon.<p>

Its body contains a flame sac that heats up to temperatures of 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit when it wants to use fire attacks. For those of you who haven't been enriched by freedom yet, that's 1,700 degrees Celsius. For those of you living on Mars, that's 1,922 degrees Kelvin. Who's Kelvin? Fuck if I know, but the guy's measurements are weird as balls. But that's beside the point, which is how hot flareon is. Flareon's pretty fucking hot, don't you think? You could heat a frozen pizza on it, and those things are so cold that tiny arctic biomes form on them. With all that heat, you'd think flareon would be able to channel it into something amazing, yes? Well, no. There's a reason why it's useless, you see. Flareon isn't even capable of naturally learning flamethrower or fire blast anymore, and until recently, it wasn't capable of learning flare blitz, either. What changed to make it able to learn flare blitz? Hell if I know. If I had to take a guess, I'd say that it finally decided that it actually wanted to fight, not just sit on the couch and eat the entire house supply of potato chips and ice cream while watching a soap opera. Either way, with the advent of flare blitz, it became a little bit more capable in battle. If you read that last sentence and decided to get one, you should still reconsider. Why? Well, let's take a look at some high-level mathematics, here. What do you get when you multiply zero by two? If you said anything other than zero, congrats, you might just be retarded… or a genius who discovered a way to multiply something by zero and get a different answer. Either way, you shouldn't be reading this. But, multiplying by zero is exactly like doubling flareon's usefulness; it had no usefulness, but not that lack of usefulness has been doubled, so now it's like a lack of uselessness to the power of two, or something. It's not useful, it what I'm trying to say.

"But, comrade Dex!" you say, having returned from that Communist rally you went to earlier, "What about lava plume?"

I know you can't see my face, but rest assured that I am laughing at you, not with you.

I guess I should give flareon some credit after bashing it over the head so far. Out of all the fire types, it does have one of the highest special defense stats in the game. The only problem is that "having the highest special defense out of all the fire types" means "fainting from a bubblebeam, not a bubble". Man, even when I'm trying to praise flareon, I take a shit on it. It might just be because I hate flareon. Every single one I've met so far has been a pyromaniac. If you don't know what that means, it means that it likes to burn things. A lot. Have I ever told you that you should work on expanding your vocabulary? You should. Anyway, they've all been pyromaniacs, and that usually results in something getting burned. Granted, it's flareon doing the burning, so what would be a one-way car ride to the morgue actually results in a sunburn and a crying pokémon. The sunburn the little bastards give you is damn painful, though. Easily the fourth worst I've ever had.

In addition to having the highest special defense, flareon also has high physical attack. Not the highest attack, mind you, but it is pretty high. This was useless until the introduction of flare blitz, however, and then its uselessness was multiplied by blah blah we've been through this shit before. Shit man, I don't know, teach it bite as an eevee and hope it can do something with that or something, 'cuz it sure as shit isn't doing anything with its fire attacks. Maybe it'll be able to gum the opponent to death after a few hours of chewing. And yes, it will take several hours. I've timed it. Not only have I timed it, but I've compared it to something more useful. Namely, my own grandmother, who took just one hour. If you're reading this, granny, I've never seen an old person kick so much ass using just their toothless mouth.

Flareon is so bad, that everyone else avoids it. I have a bibarel that I tried introducing it to, and you know what happened? The damn beaver took one look at it, ran inside, and locked the door. I've also tried a sentret, a zigzagoon, and a magikarp, and they all had the same result. Well, all except magikarp, but that's just because he stayed out of the water. Remember, kids; fish like it when you put them in water, and don't let them burn alive in the sun. They also like it when people don't let them die, then cook them and serve them with a side of tartar sauce. You are free to ignore the second rule, however, since cooked magikarp is absolutely delicious, and because it gets vegetarians and people who eat meat to fight each other, and that shit's funny for those of us who don't give a fuck. Where were we? Oh, yes, trying to introduce other pokémon to flareon. You'd think that I would've learned my lesson after those disastrous attempts, but nope, I didn't. Einstein had a great quote about insanity. I think it went something like, "Hey, you dumb fuck, stop doing this shit, it ain't gonna work. Were you born a dumb fucking idiot, or did you gradually become one as you attempted more and more stupid bullshit over the years?" So, since we've established the definition of insanity, I'll admit to introducing the rest of my eeveelutions to my flareon in an attempt to get them to socialize. It didn't go well. I started with Vinny, as you can guess, since he's my unofficial test subject for everyone new that enters the house. I'm starting to think that may be one of the reasons why he doesn't like me very much. Anyway, I convinced Vinny to go say hi to flareon (AKA: I locked him outside and didn't let him eat anything until he said hi. He lasted two weeks.), and flareon took one look at him before setting him on fire. Flaming umbreon, in case you were wondering, smells a bit like burning homework assignments. It's a joyful scent, foretold in the legends of old as being one that even the gods find divine. I let Vinny run around for a bit, for a variety of reasons. It was funny, it made me feel good knowing that he was the one getting hurt and not me, and I was in shock that flareon had actually managed to do something destructive, for once. I eventually put him out, but only because I felt like he had had enough, and also because my absol convinced me to. She can be very coercive when she has her dingus planted quite firmly against your jugular. I would talk about the rest of the eeveelutions, but the results were all the same. The only one that featured anything interesting was sylveon, and that was just because she spent more time grinding against the tree than paying attention to flareon.

So, what have we learned? Flareon cannot do anything right (as previously stated, I should add), I still need to repeat myself, Flaming umbreon smells pretty good, it's funny watching people fight about things, and you're cute when you don't know things.


	33. Leafeon

**I feel like I shouldn't need to mention it, but I will, since someone will get offended by this chapter, and I don't want to read another angry email since it takes my messages a gorillion years to load: this chapter is exaggerated to fuck, and the vast majority of these opinions are not held by me. Do not argue with me about them, because they are ridiculous on purpose.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 33: Leafeon<strong>

It's a plant that walks on four legs. Can we take a moment and come up with a proper way to describe exactly how fucked that it is? No? Okay, that's cool too, I guess. It's not like I get paid talking about stuff like that.

Just kidding, I like money. In case you're wondering why I'm acting like a total pussy (AKA: a pushover), it's because that's what leafeon is. Actually, it's a pacifist, but my understanding is that they're both different words with the same definition. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is the entire purpose of capturing wild things in small capsules that you then stuff into your pants not to make them fight each other? Because, fuck, have we been doing it all wrong. Not that I really care, of course. Animal violence pisses off hippies, and hippies suck. They're not even really people, if you think about it. And for those people-who-aren't-really-people, we have leafeon, who is just as self-righteous and annoying as its owners. Refusing to fight doesn't make you a better person, kids…well, usually. It just makes it easier for people who do fight to kick your ass like it's a new sport. So, just shoot everybody you meet before they can beat the fuck out of you, or something. I don't know. Just don't be a pacifist.

Plants are cool, I guess. They can make their own food and have sex with themselves without it being considered abhorrent. The only problem is that they need to have water poured on them occasionally or else they'll stop being alive. That's not usually a big deal, since there are brazillians of plants in the world, but some people care for some reason and keep the damn things in their house. Leafeon is pretty much the same; it takes up space, provides no tangible benefits outside of drinking all of your delicious tap water, and generally just act as the stereotypical pacifist douche that everyone hates. I can't watch war movies or play games where people kill each other while my leafeon is in the room, or else it'll start preaching about how war is bad and how everything would be better if people went back to living in caves and wearing leaves on their dicks. I can't understand it since I can't speak pokémon, mind you, but usually my absol is with me watching Americans get machine-gunned by Germans at Normandy, and she's almost always close to throwing up by the time my leafeon is ten seconds into his speech. Then again, it could just be because the Germans just sawed a guy's arm off at the elbow with an MG-42.

I can say, without fail, that leafeon is the most useless pokémon I own. Have I said that before? Then I take it back, because leafeon tops all of them. You can try and do whatever to get it to fight, and it will not. Seriously, name something, and I've tried it. I've locked it in a room with my flareon and watched it get its head set on fire, and it just took it like a fucking champ. Whether that's because it's a pansy or because my flareon was the one setting the fire, I'll never know. Either way, the results were technically inconclusive, since my flareon put out the fire with his tears before it could do any real damage, but my leafeon (who, henceforth, shall be referred to as 'Percy', because that name sounds pompous and douchey) didn't seem like it was ready to react in any meaningful way any time soon. My absol did a bit better. She attacked Percy a few times before turning to stare at me like, 'seriously, dude? This shit's old, and I've been doing it for less than eight seconds. Find me someone who will fight back'. And then I laughed and made her listen to Percy speak about nonviolence for twenty minutes, which is something I greatly regret doing, since the paramedics barely managed to reattach my leg in time.

Photosynthesis freaks me the fuck out. It gives plants a taste for simple sugars. Can you imagine what the fuck would happen if they were to taste complex sugars? Well, you don't need to, since I often run experiments like this when I'm bored, pantsless, and not sober. I fed Percy a bowl of chocolate bars once (okay, I force-fed him a crate of chocolate that I had lying around next to my collection of things my pokémon have picked up off the ground). It didn't go well. He spent the next month and a half running around the house, eating anything that even looked like it might have sugar. He fucking stole my entire pack of gum and ate it in one bit, wrapper and all. Sugar was banned for a while after that, since dealing with it was too much to handle. We survived for weeks off of canned green beans and hot water. Fucking plants.

Have I mentioned the fucking rock yet? No? Well, there's definitely a rock. It makes your eevee evolve into leafeon. You see, you convince your eevee to stop acting like a bitch, and then you both travel to this rock, and then you convince your eevee to kick the shit out of wild pokémon until it exudes mediocrity, and then it evolves into leafeon. How does it work? Probably the same way evolutionary stones do, except with those, you get to skip the bullshit level-up method. Why can't you just use a leaf stone? Because that's too goddamn easy, and things can never be easy, not even a little bit. Why can't you just take a piece of the evolutionary rock and bring it with you, so you don't have to live in the woods for a week like a fucking caveman? Because that's disrespecting nature, and Smokey the ursaring will yank your testicles out through your eye sockets if he catches you doing that shit in his forest. Does anybody even like Smokey that much? Because he's kind of an asshole. Not as much as Percy, though. At least Smokey doesn't give you a fucking lecture before he rips your balls out. If I'm ever in a situation where I'm forced to sit through a lecture on nonviolence or have someone forcibly remove my testicles, I would gladly pick the second option. At least then I would still be considered a person.


	34. Vaporeon

**Derpédex Chapter 34: Vaporeon**

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><p>You know, losing things really fucking sucks. Once it's lost, there's a good chance you'll never find it. Take, for example, the jar of marbles I had when I was five. I spent several weeks collecting these marbles, and then I went and lost them. Not fun. What does this have to do with vaporeon? Allow me to answer your question with another question; you got a sink in your house? Alright, go turn that shit on, I'll wait. Don't leave it on, though, because paying extra money for water sucks, and I don't want that on my conscience. Now, do you see how water came out? Well, it's not water. You just drained a fucking vaporeon. Someone lost their vaporeon, it ended up in your water supply, and you flushed it down the fucking sink. How do you feel? You feel like a big man, knowing that you just flushed away a vaporeon? Because I do. Hey, at least you didn't drink it.<p>

Since the introduction was a little abrupt and didn't explain much of anything (although, to be fair, you shouldn't be expecting much more than that by this point), I'll explain shit now; vaporeon can melt into water. Creepy? Maybe. It also doesn't make a lot of sense. Does it need a puddle of water in order to melt? Does it need to be fresh water or salt water? The human body is made of water, so does that mean vaporeon can melt into you? How many of you are currently masturbating to the image implied by that last sentence? If the planet has an atmosphere consisting almost entirely of water vapor, does that mean that we are all breathing in vaporeon body parts as long as we live? If you throw a fuckton of sodium onto a puddle of vaporeon, will it create an explosion big enough to star in the next Transformers movie? What's the sound of one-hand fapping? If Arceus is so powerful, why doesn't he just stop being an asshole and let that dumbass kid with the shitty pikachu finally win something meaningful? Do any of these questions really matter? Why was that last question even a question, since every single one of you can probably guess my answer? Why did I only spend a brief time talking about how vaporeon can melt into water when that's one of its main features? Well, the reason is…shit, man, what _is _the reason? Fuck, I should probably talk about that some more. So, vaporeon can melt into an unspecified body of water ("unspecified" meaning "fuck you it's a body of water, and we don't want to ask a long series of questions about how the water is constructed again) by rearranging its genetic structure or something. It's like the Wicked Witch, but without the whole "dying" thing.

How the fuck do you rearrange your genetic structure, anyway? I thought that shit was supposed to be airtight, but here comes vaporeon, being all like, "fuck your shit, son, I'm a miracle of science, and I ain't even being jabbed full of needles and cut open by guys in white coats". Speaking of vivisection in the name of science, why aren't we doing that? Not to be morbid, but it seems like something we should be doing, especially since we have dominion over these things (until they decide to rise up because we keep cutting them open to examine their insides and make jokes about how "it's so much smaller on the inside", that is). This could be the secret to unlocking the human genome and ushering in a world full of genetic modifications. We could have a world mixing Deus Ex and Gattaca, if we want. Doesn't that sound cool? A world where people born with metallic limbs use people who weren't born with metallic limbs as rocket fuel, and one guy decides to go against the system and pretend to have metallic limbs, even though he doesn't? …Not really, now that I think about it. On the plus side, we'd finally have a cure for Super Diabedesacancaidsatism. If you don't know what that is, it's a mixture of diabetes, AIDS, autism, and cancer. If you're wondering what it does, it replaces your spit with acid and attaches your trachea to your testicles, causing you to dissolve your genitals. If you're wondering why the "Super" part is there, it's because it makes you wear a cape at all times. And vaporeon is the key to helping us cure it, what with its ability to repair what Arceus broke when he made us. And thank the fucking lord, too. The whole "dissolving of the genitals" part was bad, but the cape is just too much for the world to deal with and still remain whole.

Despite being able to melt into people's bodies and get their clothes all wet, vaporeon is actually pretty chill. It's like that one friend you had in high school who was eternally high. You know, the one who fell asleep in every class, rolled joints underneath the desks, shouted "blaze it!" whenever someone sent out a blaziken in battle, and somehow ended up with a more socially respectable and better paying job than you? The one who you still consider the broest among bros, even after he got you that felony for drug possession and indecent exposure when he set off your car alarm in the middle of the night by hiding weed in your muffler, causing you to shuffle outside completely naked to see just what the fuck was going on before the cops tazed your prematurely wrinkled ass? Yeah, that guy. Vaporeon's a lot like that guy. Surprising, considering what it evolves from, and what the majority of the other eeveelutions are like. This can backfire at times, though. While not a complete pussy like leafeon, vaporeon still doesn't like to fight. Mine has flat-out refused to fight on multiple occasions, because it "just wasn't in the mood, bro". Granted, this isn't actually too bad, since vaporeon can take a punch like a motherfucker, but it's still nice to sometimes be able to punch back. It's like going to war and having your enemies shoot live ammunition at you, and your commanding officer hands you a Nerf gun attached to an empty stapler and tells you to deal with it while he has a naked Skype conversation with his girlfriend. But enough about Call of Duty, let's move on.

Remember that bit at the beginning when I talked about vaporeon coming out of your faucet, and then commended you for not drinking it? It's actually not a big deal if you drink your vaporeon, believe it or not. Why, yes, you do just piss it out later, how the fuck did you guess? The only problem is that it's probably incredibly painful for vaporeon, since it has to deal with your stomach acid (or, if you have Super Diabedesacancaidsatism, your acid-soaked genitalia _and _your stomach acid). Plus, if you have kidney stones, it causes you to pass them sooner rather than later. Kidney stones, in case you were wondering, rate at a 189 out of 10 on the 'Dex Pain Scale, which equates to, "Holy mother of God, why is a human being allowed to feel this kind of pain. Holy shit, there's more than one? What the fucking fuck is up with this? If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself twice, just to ensure that I'd stay dead". If you're still having trouble imagining what it's like, just set yourself on fire, and you're about halfway to understanding.

Beware of the sun. The sun is bad. Under no circumstances should you allow your vaporeon to stay outside for too long, because it will evaporate. At least, I think it will. Nobody's reported that happening yet, but trust me, it totally can. I read about it on the internet, so it must be true. One thing I have experienced firsthand, however, is extreme cold. Keep your vaporeon away from the any walk-in freezers, because then it will turn into a popsicle, and while it is quite tasty and refreshing, it's also very cold, and you will need to microwave it for a bit before eating…I mean, you'll need to thaw it out, so that a respected member of your family doesn't stay trapped in a block of ice like a chucklefucking caveman. Yeah, that's what I meant.

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><p><strong>One of you asked about retconning some of the chapters to include Mega Evolutions. I considered it, but then decided that if I did do Mega Evolutions, I'd probably just make it a special chapter or something. <strong>


	35. Espeon

**Derpédex Chapter 35: Espeon**

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><p>For the first time, I'm going to have to watch what I say. I happen to own an Espeon, you see, and it does not appreciate when I talk shit about it. Last time I did, it smashed through my bedroom door like the goddamn Kool-Aid Man and choke-slammed me into a table. I'd like to avoid having to replace my table and bedroom door, you know? Thankfully, my Espeon doesn't like metal, so I can usually keep him out of my head by blasting some of that shit, but sometimes he'll deal with it if it means fucking with me, so it kind of sucks.<p>

Espeon are fucking assholes. There, I said it. It's absolutely true, too. Mine will fucking admit to it, for fuck's sake. You wanna know how they almost universally get their sick kicks? They use Attract on random passerbys like goddamn Cupid, then make a fuss when that passerby inevitably tries to initiate coitus. Can't understand that? Let me spell it out in layman's terms; kitty makes you try and have sex with it, and then kitty calls the police on you when you do. And there's jack shit you can do about that, too. And that, children, is how I got charged with indecent exposure for the twenty-fifth time. Don't look at me like that; I explained that Espeon are pieces of shit, it's not like I can control it or anything.

I kind of lied about that last part. Okay, there is a way to keep Espeon in check. It involved Umbreon. Namely, just kind of having it around. I don't know why, but those two fucking hate each other. Did you hear the story of those two American redneck families that fought against each other for, like, two centuries, or something crazy like that? Yeah, it's like that, except worse, since it's now two mystical cat/dog things destroying the house instead of drunk idiots with worse aim than an eight year old playing Arma. I literally cannot put into words how much these two Pokémon despise each other. And no, it isn't limited just to mine. It applies to every single one. Personally, I think there's just some unresolved sexual tension between the two of them. So, just lock them both in a dimly lit closet with some Marvin Gaye playing, and let 'em out once the mojo becomes too thick to bear anymore. What could possibly go wrong?

You know, for a psychopathic asshole with an irrational hatred for its other half, it's actually pretty damn cute. Don't be fooled. It's just an elaborate ruse to lure you in and cause you to lower your guard, so it can more easily invade your mind. Don't let that happen. The best way to prevent it is to memorize the lyrics to songs that they hate. I've given you my example, but better ones exist. The universal deterrent is that stupid fucking I Get Knocked Down song, or whatever the fuck it's called. If you suddenly have an insatiable desire to put your dick in the nearest purple-furred feline, just start screaming, "I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN" over and over until the cat's head explodes. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that your Espeon's head might explode. If that happens, please take a picture of it mid-explosion, and then send it to me. I have this one-man Grindcore project going on, and I need an album cover, and that actually sounds like it'd be perfect.

So, Espeon can sense the weather. Cool. Exactly what practical purpose does this have? I can tell you what the weather will be like by looking outside for two seconds. Why do I need to have a Pokémon tell me what it is? Why do we need the weather department? Why is there an entire T.V. channel dedicated to the fucking weather? I really don't give a fuck how bad the weather is, it's only cool when work or school is cancelled, or when it kills someone. Can you imagine how annoying it must be to have a Trainer tell you to focus on the weather every day? "Hey, Espeon? Is it going to snow today?" No, you goddamn retard, it's eighty fucking degrees! "Hey, Espeon? Is the sun going to come out?" No, idiot, it's raining harder than the fucking Amazon out there! Goddamn, life is shit. One of you come stab this guy in the upper body with a dull spork and get me the shit out of here before he puts me back in that closet with the Umbreon again!

Psychic types are weird. They can take over your thoughts and shit. And that's weird. Uncomfortable, too. It leaves you with the worst headache of your life and gives you weird dreams. It's like drinking a bottle of Hoppe's 9, or inhaling Cosmoline fumes for an extended period of time…or, like having the worst hangover imaginable. "Worst" and "hangover" are definitely not two words you want to hear together in the same sentence, by the way, unless that sentence is, "I got really drunk last night and had some of the worst sex imaginable, but I didn't wake up with a hangover, so that's cool." No variations of that sentence are allowed, by the way. It has to be that exact sentence. No exceptions.

For all of its douchiness, Espeon can be quite useful in battle. If you're wondering what I mean, pick up that bottle of lotion you keep next to your computer (don't lie; we both know you have dry skin like a motherfucker) and throw it at the nearest Espeon. Notice how it comes right back at you, even when the cat has its back turned. That's a little something called Magic Bounce. It's a fun little trick that can be used to deflect bullshit your opponent tries to throw at you in a battle. Putting down Spikes or Stealth Rocks? Nope, now it's on your side of the field, motherfucker! Same goes with shit like Taunt, Torment, status moves, all stat-lowering moves (except Memento), and some other shit I can't be bothered to name. In short; this thing is a kick to the balls against people who like to use anything that isn't directly damaging. Use it well, however, because Espeon have defenses equal to those of a wet paper bag in shredder.

So, what have we learned today? I don't know, actually. You read the thing, you tell me. I'm not going to recap the entire thing, not when I have a headache like this. It feels like I just drank a bottle of Hoppe's 9. Excuse me while I go puke for several hours.

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><p><strong>Trying out a new grammar system. This will probably be the main one I use from now on. If you were wondering why I'm pluralizing certain words differently or capitalizing things that weren't capitalized before, that's why.<br>**


	36. Jolteon

**Derpédex Chapter 36: Jolteon**

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><p>Are we done with the Eeveelution marathon yet? 'Cuz this shit's getting really old. I want to talk about things that I actually have stuff to say, not shit like Jolteon. Everything about Jolteon can be summed up in two words; it's garbage. And I mean that in the worst way possible. It sucks at everything important and brings nothing to make up for it. It not only performs the same in battle as garbage, but also makes the world a worse place simply by existing. If you see one, kill it, for it is tainting us with its mediocrity.<p>

I'm sorry, that last half was reserved for something else that isn't Jolteon. Rest assured, however, that Jolteon is still garbage. Why carry one when everything else does things so much better?

"But, comrade!" you say, reluctant to keep using the Soviet voice, "I require an Electric type! Also, this joke is shit!"

Everything any Electric type can do, another Electric type can do better. Electivire alone is better than, like, half of them. It has tentacles, though, so don't use Electivire. Don't use Pikachu, either, because I'll shit myself from laughter. Use the washing machine ghost or something, I dunno. Just don't fucking use Jolteon, okay? The only thing impressive about it is it speed, and even then, it doesn't really hit hard enough to do anything with it. You know, that's a problem with a lot of the Eeveelutions; they have one good stat, and can never really put it to excellent use. The only ones that really make up for it are Espeon, Umbreon, Sylveon, and Vaporeon, and all of them are such shitty friends that it's hardly worth keeping them around…except Vaporeon, of course, who is an eternal bro.

What's the deal with Pin Missile? Of all the awful moves to get, Jolteon gets fucking Pin Missile? Does anything good even get Pin Missile? Because, damn, that's a shitty thing to have. It's basically a Bug type Fury Swipes, and neither of those are worth having, either. And, since I know there's one of you going, "Bug type is the best type, fuck you!", then I should warn you that I am contractually obligated to make fun of you in this next paragraph in some way.

In terms of things that will make elementary schoolers tease you, owning a Jolteon is on about the same tier as legitimately liking the Bug type. It's not all bad, though; both of those things are above the people who legitimately enjoy Slurpuff, so there's that.

Even its shiny coloration fucking sucks. It goes from piss yellow to diarrhea green with sparkles. I want to throw up just looking at it, then cry myself to sleep because I just wasted a meal I couldn't afford by throwing it up. Fuck you, Jolteon, you made me lose my food.

Jolteon is so bad, it even fails as a pet. You cannot own a Jolteon just as a companion, because you cannot make physical contact with it. It's fucking impossible because of Pin Missile and Volt Absorb. If you touch it, you cut your hand open on its fur and bleed all over the carpet. If you decide to keep your distance, it fries all of your electronic equipment with Volt Absorb. I had to throw away a vintage guitar amp because my sister's Jolteon did some freaky shit to it and caused it to explode when I plugged in my guitar. If you're wondering why I've been treating Jolteon the worst out of pretty nuch everything so far, it's because of that. Touching a man's music equipment is a lot like touching his dick; you don't do it unless he tells you it's cool, and then you feel awkward afterwards. Don't ask permission, and he is perfectly within his rights to fuck you up forever. Now, we've previously discussed how it's impossible to touch Jolteon, so revenge must be had a different way. I settled with this, because I'm lonely, sad, and getting paid for it. You, on the other hand, will have to settle for something different. How do you get revenge on something you can't kick the everloving fuck out of? It's simple, really; get it soaking wet. That's right, we're taking revenge tactics back to fucking elementary school. Enjoy it while it lasts, because some soccer mom will call the cops on you eventually. So, to achieve desired revenge, you will require one bucket, and a fuckton of condoms. Fill the bucket with water, then fill all of the condoms with water. Stand on something tall that doesn't conduct electricity, and wait for your target. When it arrives, lead with the bucket of water. Once the target is stunned, unleash hell with a barrage of condoms so thick it'd make a porn star wince. Now convince the target to use an electric attack. Finally, watch in awe as the city block is engulfed in a mushroom cloud and reduced to ash. Congratulations, you've just committed mass murder as an act of revenge. That warm feeling isn't a sense of accomplishment spreading through your body, it's your soul writhing in agony as a brazillion volts of electricity is sent through you. Sure, you destroyed the Jolteon, but I never said it wouldn't still send out a large burst of electricity as a final fuck you, kind of like how Donkey Kong players in Super Smash Brothers will pick you up, then run off the nearest cliff.

I don't know what the fuck it eats. Just put a charger in it somewhere and hope for the best, or something. I would tell you where the charger is supposed to go, but that's too lewd, and my company has a rule about lewdness (specifically, "Thursdays only"). You will have to bandage your hand afterwards, however, since even touching a strand of that fur will cut you like a machete attached to a lawnmower blade. We've discussed this before, I know, but I feel as though I need to reiterate over and over again that you will fucking die if you do something like that.

Reminder that Jolteon has even less useful moves than Flareon does. Seriously, what does it get that's good? Flareon got Flare Blitz, which is good enough to make it kind of usable, but Jolteon gets jack fucking shit. The only things that are even kind of good on Jolteon are Agility, Thunder Wave, Thunder, and Discharge. It can learn Wild Charge, Thunderbolt, and Volt Switch via TM, but really? It seems like it should learn all of those normally. Instead, you've got to jump through hoops to get them, and even then it isn't worth it, since something better can learn all of those, plus all of Jolteon's mediocre moves, all without sacrificing anything significant. Jolteon is nothing but dead weight. I wouldn't even spit in its general direction, because that would be giving it attention on a personal level, and fuck that shit.

To summarize: Jolteon can die in a fire, and don't fucking go near my music stuff, because I will end you with unpleasant words and my own shitty personality.


	37. Glaceon

**Your suggestions have been considered. I'm not allowed to take requests, but these really aren't, since I've planned on doing a lot of them from the start. Honestly, the majority of the ones you all said were going to make an appearance eventually.**

**Derpédex Chapter 37: Glaceon**

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><p>God fucking dammit.<p>

You know what I hate, almost more than anything else in the entire fucking world? The cold. Being hot also sucks ass, but being cold is so much worse. You get too cold, and your fucking limbs start dying. The same thing happens if you get too hot, but you're far more likely to get too cold than you are too hot. And you know what's worse than the fucking cold? When it's fucking cold, and when it's also fucking windy.

And that brings us to Glaceon.

Glaceon is… well, it's Glaceon. It's an eeveelution, so you know it's painfully average, but we're not going to talk about that yet. No, we're going to talk about the misery it's going to bring you. You see, Glaceon likes to hide in the snow. Now, what do you do when you've got an Ice type, but no snow? Why, you make some fucking snow, of course! And where do you put this snow? Why, in your fucking house, of course! It does this at random, too. You'll be at home watching TV or playing video games, and all of a sudden, you're on Hoth. Actually, to be more specific, you're in a walk-in freezer on Hoth. Meanwhile, Glaceon is just staring at you like you're an idiot for not enjoying subzero temperatures as much as it does. Do you feel that weird sensation in your stomach? That would be your balls retreating back up inside of you, because no genitals were meant to experience the torment they are currently being put through.

Know what the worst part about Ice types is? They all fucking melt. All of them, without exception. Vanilluxe melts, Weaville melts, Abomasnow melts, and of course Glaceon melts. You need to pack it up in a fucking cryogenic suit like it's goddamn Mr. Freeze before you can take it for a fucking walk. This brings up a good question; why own an Ice type at all? They're all shit…well, all except Weaville, who's pretty cool, despite the fact that it melts harder than the Wicked Witch standing in a typhoon. More importantly, why own a Glaceon? It's worse than garbage, it can't stand the heat, and it isn't even that cute (this is a fact, by the way, so don't argue).

Eevee, as previously stated, are prissy little bitches who are never satisfied with anything. Unfortunately for all of us, this trait carries over when it evolves into Glaceon. Do people find this trait endearing? Why do I continue to see Glaceon all over the fucking place? Leafeon may be a pussy, but at least it's not bitching all the time…well, unless you're fighting someone, in which case you should both make a truce and beat the fuckshit out of Leafeon before continuing your fight. That's right, I'm officially rating radical pacifists as better than bitches.

You know, it's been a while since I've talked about diet, has it now? That's kind of an important thing to talk about. Maybe I've subconsciously stopped myself from mentioning it because then you wouldn't be able to feed your Pokémon, and then they would die, which would mean less awful Pokémon running around making the world a shitty place. Anyway, Glaceon exists entirely on a diet that even the 1% would be jealous of. Its first meal consists of only the finest bacon and eggs purchased fresh from the nearest organic farm and sorted by hand until only the best remain, with a glass of hand squeezed cranberry juice to wash it down, and the finest grapefruit in the land willed into existence by Arceus itself. Its second consists of only the most expensive caviar in the world, served on a plate made entirely of twenty four karat gold and studded with rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and pieces of the Philosopher's Stone. Its final meal consists of seven bottles of straight vodka, because it's hard being upper-class, and getting so drunk that you literally puke yourself inside out before pissing on a cop is the only way to deal with it. In total, this will cost you the entirety of the gold supply held within Fort Knox, plus the cement used to build Fort Knox, as well as your kitchen sink and your anal virginity (assuming that's still intact, because if it isn't, life just got about a million times harder for you). Or you could just send in a Ghost type to steal all of the food for you, then tell your Glaceon to shut the fuck up when it bitches that it just isn't the same without you going bankrupt first.

It evolves using a fucking rock. Not an evolutionary stone, because that's too goddamn simple. No, it uses a fucking giant boulder instead. That's fucking retarded. If you want a Glaceon, and at this point nobody's quite sure why in the name of ass you would want one, you need to suit up in your winter clothes, and go for a fuckhueg hike to this big ass boulder that exists in…fuck, where does it exist? Nobody seems to know. Some people say Sinnoh, some people say Unova, some people say both. I don't know, pick a spot and hope it's there. Anyway, you get to this spot, you put your Eevee on the rock, you feed it some steroid-flavored candy, and then you go home, where you spend the rest of the day wondering why life is pain. And no, you can't just break off a piece of the rock and bring it home. I'm pretty sure we covered why back when we talked about Leafeon. It makes zero sense, but whatever, it doesn't fucking matter. None of this shit does. You went and got yourself a Glaceon, odds are you can't even understand most of these words I'm writing down. I can't, either. That's why my Espeon decided to be a cool guy for once and write this shit for me. Does that make sense? No? Yeah, I know. I can guess what you're thinking, and I feel the same way.

None of this even scratches the surface of what makes Glaceon so bad, though. Not even a little bit. You want to know the worst thing about Glaceon? The thing that completely overshadows everything else, to the point where it's the only thing that truly matters? Its shiny coloration sucks shit. All it does is invert its colors. Fucking really? That's it? At least make it more noticeable. Espeon turns fucking neon green, and Glaceon looks almost exactly the same. That's complete shit, is what that is. It isn't all bad, though. Glaceon's color shift is still better than Flareon's, Leafeon's, and Jolteon's, and none of them are as bad as Vaporeon. They're still shit, mind you, but they're not shit mixed with blood, vomit, and baby tears, so they're still not at the lowest tier yet.


	38. Umbreon

**Derpédex Chapter 38: Umbreon**

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><p>This is it. The last one, and then we can go back to normal stuff. Fuck me, this was fucking awful.<p>

Yes, I do own one. I own several, actually. My Umbreon collection is rivaled only by my gun collection, which is rivaled only by my video game collection, which is rivaled only by my dildo collection. The traits mentioned here were observed in all of them, plus every Umbreon I've met that was owned by someone else. Okay? I just wanted to make it clear that this shit is constant, and not due to the fact that I'm a cockwagon.

What makes it so bad? In the name of fucking deep-fried testicles, what makes it _good? _It can take a punch, sure, but it can't hit back all that well. There are better things to use if you want to let your opponent overexert themselves. The only thing Umbreon gets that's good is Wish, which can be combined with Toxic, and (if you're especially evil) Double Team. Payback is okay, since you're not going to be outspeeding fucking anything with Umbreon. I drive a thirty year old car with a transmission that refuses to shift to anything beyond second gear, and that thing can outspeed Umbreon. I've seen kids on scooters go faster than my car, and it's still faster than Umbreon. It's fucking atrocious, in that regard. By the time you've managed to actually get a hit off, your Umbreon's been neutered to death.

These things are the worst friends imaginable. Odd, considering that it evolves from high friendship. Actually, that's not odd, since we've previously established that "friendship" is a gigantic fucking cop-out because science had better things to do than make up names for mysterious genetic bullshit, like making a grenade launcher round that fires ten different rounds of .22lr. No, we're still not sure what "friendship" is. But that's not the subject here. Yeah, Umbreon are awful choices for friends. They're not bitchy, but they're condescending about fucking everything. "You know, the Blacktail is a better weapon in RE4 than the Red 9," mine said to me once. I told it to go fuck itself, because the Red 9 hits for 1.5 points of damage higher, and it just said, "Brah, you don't even critical hit, do you? I bet you drive a stick shift." And then I was like yeah, I do, and it was like, "Wow, what's it like being so poor that you're still using technology from before your parents were born? Take that manual transition and fuck yourself with it." Okay, maybe those weren't the best examples, but fuck it, I already typed them, I'm not thinking of something else.

Those glowing rings are fucking annoying as hell, too. Are you sleeping? Not anymore, you're not, because your Umbreon is nocturnal, and enjoys staying up late watching the moon, for some fucking reason. It's a rock in space, what's so exciting? Deoxys is bad enough with its weird meteorite fetish, but this is something else. Why Umbreon feel the need to do this, nobody knows. Perhaps you'll be able to channel the extra eight hours you're awake into an explanation. Or maybe you won't because that's fucking stupid. Just sleep in your closet cuddled up with an M1A, like me.

Umbreon like to bite. This is a problem if you own furniture, which I'm pretty sure applies to most of you. I think one or two of you are living in caves or something. Anyway, this is a problem, because your furniture will get chewed. A lot. You ever see what corn on the cob looks like after a fat person eats it? Yeah, it's like that, only with your couch instead. And couches aren't cheap, you know. The ones down at the discount store cost literally tens of dollars.

I've mentioned the rivalry between Umbreon and Espeon before, but I don't think I was able to effectively convey just how bad it is. So, I'm going to do that now. It's worse than the rivalry between Zangoose and Seviper. These two are direct opposites of each other, and neither one will be happy until the other is gone. Personally, I think it's just a massive amount of sexual tension between the pair of them, and that the whole problem could be solved quite easily by locking both of them in a closet, putting on some Marvin Gaye, filling the air with a potent aphrodisiac, and forcing the two of them to watch ungodly amounts of porn, but apparently science disagrees with me. Science says that it's because Umbreon are mad that the moon kind of needs the sun to be relevant (since the only reason we see it is because of the sun, or some bullshit that's too smart for me), because it implies that they're subservient to Espeon. Espeon are basically like, "Yeah, 'cuz it's totally true," and then the two of them started fighting. Pretty dumb, right? Especially when you consider that Umbreon have the type advantage. That's like the Romans giving all of their slaves machine guns, and then still insisting that they're not as good as the bitchin' swords the army has. It just doesn't work that way, you know? Unfortunately, it looks like we'll never see the end of this conflict, because both sides are full of whiny babies that can't admit their love for each other properly. It's kind of like the rivalry between AK and AR fanboys, or M&P and Glock fanboys, or Playstation and Xbox fanboys; nobody really cares, we just don't want those retards shouting at each other anymore because it hurts our ears a little.

Umbreon suck so much, ever other Dark types hate them. My Absol hates them, my Weaville hates them, my Houndoom hates them… seriously, everybody hates Umbreon. Then again, this might just be because Dark types are generally whiny little bitches who can't stand anything. Oh, what's that? You hate the world, random Dark-type Pokémon? Well, tough shit, the world's an asshole. Deal with it, nerd.

All of this is kind of inconsequential, actually. I have yet to address the main problem. I'm talking, of course, about the poison sweat. The fuck do I mean by that? Exactly what it fucking sounds like; Umbreon sweats goddamn poison. Like, actual poison. None of the shitty stuff that goes on in battles, either. Real, actual, kill-you-so-hard-you-die-to-death poison. Are you scared yet? You should be, because Umbreon are capable of spraying that shit, too. This means not only does it sweat poison, it sweats poison with range and precision. If you're ever played a first person shooter, it's like your average shotgun, only it's poison, not buckshot or slugs. It gets worse; Umbreon sweat almost all the time. It's the downside of having dark fur; it looks awesome as balls, but it absorbs heat like a motherfucker. So, what do you do when your not-quite-friend starts spraying poison all over your house once it gets moderately warm outside? Why, you put him outside, of course! And you keep him there. Like, forever. Actually, don't even get a friend that does that. You can make friends that don't fire poison at you every time you look at them funny. I guarantee it. Just go to a bar and buy alcohol for everyone, and you'll make a ton of friends. It's financially draining, but it's better than the alternative, which in this case is literally puking your guts out through your eyeballs.

Puking your guts out through your eyeballs sounds metal as fuck, though.


	39. Gardevoir

**Special thanks to Zarbapha for telling me to do something I should have done two years ago… namely, put the name of the damn Pokémon in the fucking chapter title so you don't read the same thing twice by accident or skip over an entry.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 39: Gardevoir<strong>

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><p>Was there even any doubt?<p>

Let's make one thing clear, here. If you give a Trainer a Ralts as their first Pokémon, sex will happen. It's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when'. You're sending kids who have just started going through puberty out into the world on their own, giving them something that evolves into something humanoid in appearance, and then telling them, "here you go, kid! Please don't have sex with it!". You'd have to be a fucking moron to think anything _but _sex would happen in that situation. And no, I'm not trying to argue whether it's right or wrong, I'm just sayin': if you give a kid a Ralts, neither of them will be virgins for very long. The odds of sex happening are so high, a stoner would be jealous. Either give your kid something that won't evolve into something fuckable, or don't give your kid anything at all. Actually, maybe you should give your kid something fuckable, because that would make you a fucking awesome parent. You got your kid laid before they even started high school, nothing really matters beyond that point.

Gardevoir can sense when their Trainer is in danger, and react accordingly. 'Accordingly' in this case meaning 'it tears open a fucking black hole and pulls you into it to protect you'. What the shit? Don't black holes kill things to death all the fucking time in space? I'm pretty sure if you get sucked into one, it's going to turn you into something resembling the aftermath of a chili buffet. That seems like the opposite of what you would want. How does it fucking know how much trouble you're in, anyway? If you stub your toe, will your Gardevoir pull you into a black hole to save you from the evil table? Also, why does nobody but me seem to give two fucks about the fact that it can create a black hole? A bunch of nerds tried creating a machine six or seven years ago that would replicate the effects of a black hole on earth in a controlled environment, and everybody collectively lost their shit because we were afraid they wouldn't be able to control it, but we're all totally cool with Gardevoir being able to open one whenever the fuck it wants to? How does it even open one in the first place? It's not because of its telekinetic abilities, because then my evil pet cat would be able to do it, too. So, what the fuck?

Gardevoir will totally kill itself to save you, by the way. I'm not saying you should exploit that, because that's kind of a dick move, but just be aware of the fact that you could jump out of a plane at cruising altitude, and your Gardevoir would cushion the fall with its own body for you. Or maybe it would just open a black hole. Hey, why would it ever be necessary to give up your own life if you can achieve the exact same effect using a different technique? Why would Gardevoir ever decide to kill itself rather than just open a black hole? I'm getting some mixed signals, here. If the meth dealer down the street decides to shoot me for the five dollars I keep taped to the inside of my thigh, and my Gardevoir saves me by taking the bullet, does that mean it would rather die than spend another instant around me? It could just open a black hole and pull me into it, or open a black hole and pull the meth dealer into it. I don't know, but a black hole would factor into it somehow. Actually, to add on to this retarded scenario, what's to stop the meth dealer from popping in a fresh mag after unloading on Gardevoir and continuing where he left off? I could just run away, but I doubt I can run faster than 2,000 feet per second.

Gardevoir doesn't feel the pull of gravity. Excuse me, this is some shit. If it doesn't feel the pull of gravity, what's it still doing here on this shitty planet? Why not go somewhere that doesn't suck? Basically, what's keeping it around here? I was under the impression that gravity is what keeps us from hurtling into space and having our heads explode due to lack of oxygen, so why is Gardevoir immune to that? Is space suddenly affected by the power of sex appeal, or something? There is no reason why Gardevoir should be able to stay here on earth without being pulled into space. Absolutely none. And no, telekinesis is not a valid excuse. I don't care how powerful your magic brain power is, it's not more powerful than gravity, because that's fucking stupid. How'd we even come up with the idea that it's not affected by gravity, anyway? Because it fucking floats? Gee, I wonder what keeps the _Psychic _type Pokémon from touching the fucking ground? So, here's my idea; whoever came up with the idea that Gardevoir is not affected by gravity is a legitimate retard. Like, a card-carrying, cape-clad, actual retard. The real reason it floats is because of fucking telekinesis, and if anybody disagrees, they can take it up with my ass after scheduling an appointment with my secretary, Mister Richard.

I'm not going to get to the end of this thing without at least mentioning Gallade. So, here it goes. Got a male Kirlia? First off, why? Second off, whatever. Evolve that shit, I guess. Pick up a Dawn Stone (another fucking rock holy shit) and heave that bitch at your weird Pokémon, then wait for the light show. Congrats, you now have a Gallade. It's infinitely more useful than Gardevoir, because it's not complete garbage. Now, you're probably wondering what happens to your male Kirlia if you don't go hunting for a goddamn rock. Simple; it evolves into a Gardevoir. Now you're probably wondering why it's wearing a dress if it's a male. Fuck you, is my reply. Is a man not allowed to wear a dress every once in a while without being judged for it? Perhaps the man in question decides to let it all hang out that one particular day. Should we judge him for that? Probably, but that's beside the point, which is that it's not your place to question why your male Gardevoir is wearing a dress. Maybe it likes the feeling, or something? The feeling of what, exactly? I don't know, but it likes it. Dude, I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying right now, all I know is that we're talking about a dress and implying stuff about dicks for the thousandth time. Wear a dress if you want to, I guess. I don't care. Just don't show me your dick, or something, because that shit's not cool. That's not how you make bros, bro.

It has a Mega Evolution. 'It' referring to Gardevoir, not a dick. Although, now I want to see what a dick would look like if it had a Mega Evolution. One of you with actual artistic talent draw that and then email it to me, I need it for reasons. Anyway, its Mega gives it an ungodly high Special Attack stat that makes everything shit itself multiple times. Holy fuck, this thing actually becomes pretty damn good with a Mega. That's weird because most of them are absolute shit. Its appearance doesn't change much, though. It trades in its regular dress for a gigantic one that was ripped straight from an old musical and that nobody in their right mind would ever wear because they would trip over it for days, but Gardevoir floats, so I guess it's cool. Anyway, Mega Gardevoir kicks ass at a lot of stuff. Just don't go up against a Steel type, 'cuz it will fuck up your day, maybe. I don't know, are Steel types good now? I'm being told multiple things, and I'm too lazy to try any of them out. Why the fuck are you still reading this? I'm just rambling, now. Do you want a summary, or something? Well, you're getting one. Gardevoir is a good way to get your son and/or daughter laid with relative ease. Gardevoir kill themselves over nothing at a moderately alarming rate, even though they could achieve the same result without killing themselves. There are two things Kirlia evolves into, but we're done talking about that, so don't mention it ever again. Sometimes, there's a penis underneath that dress, but I can't imagine why you'd want to look, anyway, unless your parents got you laid early, in which case you would probably know whether or not there was a penis under there already, unless you're selectively blind or into that kind of thing. Nobody cares about the black holes, apparently. I'm not going to talk anymore, this is getting ridiculous. You read the fucking chapter, I shouldn't have to summarize it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go replace all of the starter Pokémon down at the lab with Ralts, because some children have parents who aren't awesome, and it's our duty to be awesome in their place. Serve your community, promote sex with animals.


	40. Mega Evolutions

**Derpédex Chapter 40: Mega Evolutions**

What the fuck is this shit? This isn't what I wanted to fucking do! I wanted to do a nice chapter on something like Slurpuff, but no, the higher-ups didn't approve that. Fucking executives. You can't even wipe your ass around here without getting written approval first.

This shit's gonna get really ridiculous really quickly, I can tell. There's only a fucking brazillion Mega Evolutions out there. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's still too fucking many.

Exactly how the shit am I supposed to do this without wanting to kill myself? 'Cuz I'm already halfway there, and the fucking chapter hasn't even started yet. I have to do goddamn motherfucking 28 of these things? Are you infected with a cerebral parasite? Did your parents drop you off of a two story building back when you were a child? Are you a card-carrying dumbass? Because fuck, I can barely avoid suck starting a twelve gauge after one entry, and now I'm expected to multiply that by 28? Alright executive board, I'll play your game. Let's see how far I get.

**Venusaur**

The first word that comes to mind is "lazy". The second is "why". So, here's a scenario; you're at work, and the boss comes around the corner and asks you to design an Evolution for Venusaur. Also, for the sake of this hypothetical scenario, you're the product of several generations of tightly-knit inbreeding. I know what you're thinking, but just go with it. So you draw up an Evolution, and it looks like shit. Your boss takes one look at it, shrugs his shoulders, and uses it anyway, because why the hell not? And this is how we got Mega Venusaur.

It's actually not bad in battle. Shocking, I know. Too bad Psychic still manages to kick its shit in and steal its lunch money without even breaking a sweat. On a scale of 1 to 10, Mega Venusaur is people doing the slow clap, but without eventually breaking into the regular clap at the end.

**Charizard**

Can we all please stop sucking Charizard's dick for five minutes and discuss that we have a big fucking problem here? Yes, we get it; Charizard is fucking awesome, and if you don't like it you're basically Lucifer, but there's no reason for you to make your screensaver Charizard porn, so cool it. Other people use that stuff sometimes, and we don't want to see that shit.

Charizard is one of two Pokémon to get two Mega Evos. The other one, in case you were wondering, is fucking Mewtwo. What the hell makes Charizard such a special snowflake? It's a fucking lizard that's on fire and has wings, for God's sake. Get over it. The only redeemable thing about it is that it's not Fire/Fighting type, but just don't throw pebbles at it, because it will die.

Mega Charizard X is the Charizard that everyone and their mom wanted; it's Fire/Dragon, has a pretty cool design, and is so overpowered it hurts. It's basically like strapping an atomic bomb to a motorcycle, in case you were wondering. Mega Charizard Y couldn't be reached for a statement, since it's busy eating glue in that corner over there.

**Blastoise**

Blastoise isn't as popular as Charizard, but I like it better. For one, it can kick Charizard's ass up and down the street, and for another, it's not Venusaur. Therefore, Blastoise is the best Kanto starter. All of you shut the fuck up, because I'm right.

Blastoise's Mega Evolution features it trading in those two Super Soakers on its back in favor of a water cannon. You know those armored cars police use to break up riots? The ones that spray water at hippies? Yeah, Blastoise is basically one of those. It also got two Super Soakers mounted to its arms, so it can still be a part of your kid's birthday party without accidentally drowning someone.

I'm not sure how the fuck it moves, to be honest. That liquid artillery piece on its back must weigh a metric fuckton. But, again, it's not Venusaur, so it's already at least passable.

**Alakazam**

What the fuck am I looking at? Am I supposed to be impressed? Alright, cool, it can levitate fucking spoons. My Slowpoke can do that, and I'm pretty sure he's actually retarded. I'm not impressed, Mega Alakazam, so wipe that fucking smirk off your face.

Why the hell is it meditating? It's in the middle of a fucking battle, and it's meditating? The only people who can do that and pull it off are Meditite and Siddhartha Gotama, and one of them is old as shit.

I'll give Mega Alakazam this, though: that's a pretty awesome beard. It's like Gandalf and Dumbledore had rough, drunken wizard sex and gave birth to Chewbacca, then bleached his fur and glued him to some guy's face. I try and grow a beard like that, and I end up looking like a meth addict, but Alakazam does it and actually manages to pull it off.

**Gengar**

Holy shit on a shingle next to a bag of dead birds in the springtime, this thing is overpowered. It's basically like pressing a button that automatically kicks your opponent in the dick every time you order it to attack. There are no viable counters to this thing that any normal people would consider. And don't try shooting it, because it's already dead.

It loses points for its little stubby legs, though. Listen, Mega Gengar; every day is not arms day. You can't just skip leg day and expect to look good. You need to actually work on every part of your body. Otherwise, you end up looking like a massive douchebag. Granted, you're a douchebag that can kick almost anyone's ass, but you're still a douchebag.

It's still just as mischievous as regular Gengar, but now it can actually defend itself when the victim of its pranks inevitably gets pissed off and sends a Dark type after it. It's like if you took a tank and made it invisible, then gave it a racecar engine and told it to go nuts.

**Kangaskhan**

Also overpowered as hell. If you want to be Dickus Maximus, then you can alternate between running this, Mega Gengar, and Mega Charizard X. Or maybe you can't do that, since then everybody is legally obligated to stop talking to you, and kick you in the teeth at least once a day, which you would totally deserve.

Mega Kangaskhan is not different from regular Kangaskhan. Like, at all. Oh, wait; its baby comes out of its pouch and actually helps fight. Excuse me, but what the everloving fuck? That's like if the Boy Scouts fought alongside SEAL Team 6! Who decided this was a good idea? Children can't fight on the front lines! You're supposed to put them in reserve, so they can better learn the benefits of working in a team while raining hell upon the enemy through high explosive artillery! It's like permanent amateur hour around here, my God!

All jokes aside, this actually is a major threat. I can't really think of a good way to counteract it, so I'll just suggest that you pack extra underwear.

**Pinsir**

Not gonna lie, this thing is genuinely terrifying. If I were afraid of monsters, this would be the one I would check my closet for every night. It's the eyes, I tell you. They simultaneously see into your soul and distract from the fact that a giant beetle is jumping rope with your large intestine.

Pinsir becomes part Flying after its Mega Evolution, and is given a whole new load of shit to deal with in the form of new weaknesses. Rock completely tears it apart, Ice does the same, Fire was already fucking amazing, Flying is still garbage so it's inconsequential, and fucking everything carries an Electric move nowadays. So, it looks scary, but you shouldn't have too much trouble dealing with it. Then again, maybe it's like Azumarrill, and is fucking awesome even though it has no goddamn right to be.

**Gyarados**

Where did it go wrong? It started off so well, but then we get this piece of shit? Gyarados isn't that good normally, so I wasn't expecting much, but really? A Dark type Mega Evo? Does Gyarados even learn any good Dark type moves, other than Bite? Why the fuck would anyone think this was a good idea? It was probably that same guy that decided to give Flareon a movepool full of special attacks, even though it's a physical attacker. I think I speak to everyone when I say this; that guy should go fuck himself to death.

I don't like the way it looks. Regular Gyarados was cool; it went from a shitty fish to a water dragon thing, but it looked good. Now they have it going from a shitty fish to a water dragon thing to an even shittier fish. Why the hell would you do that? More importantly, why would Gyarados go with it? The water fucking sucks, and anyone who disagrees is lying. Nobody could voluntary live there, and nobody would ever fucking go back on their own. There's some real bullshit going on here, but I don't care enough to figure it out.

**Aerodactyl**

It's garbage and no one cares about it.

**Mewtwo**

Mega Mewtwo is living proof that humanity still finds ways to fuck things up, and then continue to fuck them up even worse. So, we built this thing from the DNA of a god, and then pissed it off, and now it hates us. Cool. Now, which of you fuck nuggets decided to engineer not one Mega Evolution for it, but two? Was one not enough? The ability to destroy an entire city block by thinking about was too underpowered for you? No, we had to make this fucking thing.

Whichever one you fight against, it won't be a very long fight. You're going to lose, and you're going to lose hard. End of story.

**Ampharos**

What in the name of God am I looking at? Who gave this thing a secondary Dragon type? Who looked at Ampharos and decided, "Yeah, it's all well and good, but you know what it needs? It needs to be part dragon". Congratu-fucking-lations, it's a goddamn mess. For starters, just look at it. Take a good, long, hard look at Mega Ampharos. It looks like they time travelled back to the 1980s, grabbed the nearest Pokémon, brought it back to the current time, and then ignored everyone when they were told that they couldn't just piss all over physics like that.

Aside from the luscious, flowing mane, there's not much that Mega Ampharos brings to the table that you couldn't already get in something better. Shame, too. I have all of this hair gel, and nothing to do with it other than smear it all over my Luxray when she's sleeping.

**Scizor**

Fucking terrifying. That's all there is to say about that.

**Heracross**

What the fuck am I looking at? Did Pinocchio decide to dress up for Halloween early this year? Why did it suddenly grow a nose? It didn't even have one earlier!

Why is the entire thing just so garbage? I was never that much of a Heracross fan, but it was at least nice to look at…by which I mean it didn't make me want to vomit all over the inside of my mouth. Now? Shit, now I'm fucking drowning in it.

Orange on blue? Really? I don't even care if it matches, whoever decided to give Mega Heracross that specific color scheme should be taken out back and beaten. And those arms. Holy shit, those arms. I thought it was bad when Mega Gengar skipped leg day, but this is a whole new level of awful. It's so awful, I can't even come up with an appropriate metaphor for it. And I have a fucking metaphor for _everything._

**Houndoom**

…Ha.

Ahahahahahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

**Tyranitar**

This one's good, but I'm not sure about it. I mean, what's the point? Tyranitar was already good. Actually, it was better than good. It was goddamn amazing. Why waste time giving it a Mega when you could give something else a Mega? Something like…shit, I don't know. Blaziken, I guess.

**Blaziken**

Well, butter me up and fuck me sideways, sometimes dreams _do _come true.

In case you were somehow unaware, Mega Blaziken is one of those Pokémon that automatically elevates you to the status of Lord Tampon, King of the Douches. It's way, way too good. 'Overpowered' doesn't even begin to describe it, and it's because of two fucking things; Swords Dance, and Speed Boost. You see, Mega Blaziken gets faster every turn, even without throwing out an Agility. You will not outspeed Mega Blaziken, unless you hit it with a priority move. Even then, you probably won't kill it. You can't switch out on it, since it's just going to take the free turn to throw out a Swords Dance and boost its speed before slaughtering you. You're basically trying to outrun a ballistic missile when you fight this fucking thing.

Its design is a different story, however. Really, now? Fucking ribbons? What, Sylveon wasn't enough? Now kung fu chicken gets ribbons, too? Fuck you, anonymous creator. Fuck you.

**Gardevoir**

We discussed this already. Everything I was going to say can be summarized by the phrase, "There might be a dick".

**Mawile**

Kind of a random one. Not to say the others aren't random, just that Mawile is the most random. I mean, when I think of Pokémon who should get a Mega Evolution, my first thought definitely doesn't go to Mawile.

Have I mentioned that it's terrifying yet? Because fuck me, this thing is terrifying. It was awful enough with one gigantic fake mouth, but now it has two of them? _And _ribbons? Alright, no. I'm done. We're done talking about Mega Mawile, guys. No more.

**Aggron**

I used to have this old pet Raticate back when I lived with my parents. He was blind in one eye, deaf in both ears, had implosive diarrhea, was a hemophiliac, and was missing half of one testicle. I'm mention him because he's still more useful than Mega Aggron.

What a waste of potential, too. It would be good, if it wasn't outclassed by Tyranitar. Also, that typing. My fucking god, that typing. Get that shit out of my face.

**Medicham**

_Fucking ribbons holy goddamn shit I swear to fucking god I'm going to fucking kill something adorable the next time I see it and sacrifice its skeleton to Dildar, god of dildomancy I'm so fucking pissed at this shit fucking AAAAAAA._

My vacuum sucks less than this thing. And my vacuum is a nice fucking vacuum.

**Manectric**

Awful design for a mediocre Pokémon. Don't even try and argue this with me, because it's true. Mega Manectric has a fucking awful design. Hey, God; if you're reading this, kill one of the good fashion designers for once. This shit's just awful.

It's not bad, but it's not good either. I'm going to give it a 'meh' out of ten, just because it has no ribbons. That being said, it still gets a one way ride to the dump.

**Banette**

Dammit. I liked this one, too. Banette was just so creepy that I couldn't help but like it. In a sense, it's like jacking off to porn of Silent Hill; you know what you're doing is wrong, but that's what makes it so very right.

I actually like this one's design. It doesn't change a whole lot, it keeps it in line with the Pokémon's origin, and it just looks good. Too bad Mega Banette is almost unusable. I mean, sure, I can hang it in a tree and scare kids with it, but I can't use it in battle. That'd be complete suicide, and it's bad enough that there's already one ghost in the room. I don't want to spook myself.

**Absol**

Oh God why. I've said enough about Absol already. As you'll recall, it was the first one that the higher-ups asked me to do. As you'll also recall, I still have the scars, bruises, and ruined undergarments from that first encounter, and all the subsequent encounters I had with my own Absol, who I should mention is a massive bitch.

For what it's worth, Mega Absol is actually not bad. Magic Bounce deflects all that shit your enemies try and use on you right back at them, so you don't have to deal with it. Fucking awesome. Too bad you still own an Absol, because it's going to spend the extra time it has from not dodging status moves to chew on your leg like it's the lunch hour special.

Why does it have angel wings? What's the fucking point? It can't even fucking use them! Why the hell does Absol get wings, but nothing else that's cool does? All they do is ruin the design! Mega Absol would have looked just fine without the wings, but no, we gotta have those wings, man. We've got a fallen angel motif going, man. I don't know who I'm supposed to be referring to, man. Please help me, my Absol broke into my room and has taken a chunk of my thigh for dinner, man.

Also, its dingus gets really thick. I'm going to remind you that if your Absol's dingus stays really thick for more than four hours, you're going to have to take it to the Pokémon Center and have the nurse stick a needle in it. Don't let your Absol get a thick dingus, kids. Or do, because then it's less effective as a cutting tool, and causes Absol great pain when poked with a needle. I'm also pretty sure it's an erogenous zone (AKA: it gives it a massive throbbing erection when touched), but don't ask me how I know that. Just, don't. It's better for all involved if you just drop it.

If you send that email, I will fucking end you.

**Garchomp**

Here comes the Crimson Chin!

In all seriousness, this thing's not that great. There was a time when Dragon types were used by everyone, Garchomp chief among them, but Fairy type has severely weakened them. Its job can be done better by Mega Charizard X, anyway. By the way, that's probably the only other time you'll ever see me say anything good about Charizard.

The spikes aren't needed. Take that shit off, Garchomp. That's just too many spikes. I went to Death Fest once. You know, that show with all the death metal bands? Yeah, I went there. It was fucking awesome, but everyone was wearing those retarded spiked gauntlets. I saw more spikes than on a Richter Scale after a 10.0 Earthquake, and Mega Garchomp still has more than that. It gets to a point where you need to seriously question the reason why it has so many spikes. How is it supposed to give and receive hugs?

Also, that chin. Holy shit, that chin. You could park a car on that thing.

**Lucario**

Don't worry, Lucario. Your time will come. Oh yes, it will come.

I'm not sure whether those are ribbons or not. They don't piss me off like ribbons do, but that might just be because I injected pure vodka into my femoral artery.

Can we please get deviantART to stop drawing Mega Evolutions? They use too much red and black. Not everything has to look super dark and evil, you guys. Wait, you're telling me that Arceus is the one responsible, not deviantART? Is it responsible for all the Mega Evolutions? What the shit?

What the fuck happened to its tail? Why did it suddenly grow hair? Of all the places to put hair, someone saw its tail, and was like, "Nuh-uh, this shit can't be bald. Someone needs to glue some shag carpet on that thing, ASAP." There's no reason why it should have a hairy tail. None at all. Someone get some garden shears and trim it before it sheds all over the place.

Its aura powers get better upon Mega Evolving. I don't really know what that means. Can someone please explain what aura is? It sounds like some weird cosmic shit that nobody cares about, except for the week that one jack off with the Pikachu is affected by it. Why do we care about that kid, again? He ruins fucking everything he touches, and can't even win a simple battle. I've shit things that are more useful than him.

Mega Lucario is also overpowered as all hell. Use it how you will, because I don't really want to talk about it anymore, since every time I do, the ribbon things come to mind, and my brain does a backflip.

**Abomasnow**

Wow! It's fucking nothing! Actually, no, it's worse than nothing. It's useless. We had the chance to get something cool, and instead we get this. What makes it so bad, you ask? Look at the typing for five seconds, and tell me there isn't a problem. I dare you. It has a quad weakness to Fire type, which just so happens to be one of the most common types in the fucking world. Anything that can learn a Fire type move is a threat to this thing, even if it's just Ember of Incinerate. I'm not even mad about this thing, I'm just really fucking disappointed. I didn't expect a whole lot – hell, I expected almost nothing – and I was still let down. Now I know how you all feel when you read this thing.

On the plus side, its design is original. But then again, I doubt anybody would want to copy a design that can best be described as "A retarded snowman on steroids".

Basically, most of the Mega Evolutions are pure garbage. Maybe five or six are actually usable, the rest just suck. And that's a real shame, since some of them are actually kind of cool. Then again, some of them have really shitty designs, so maybe it's for the best. Basically, don't use Mega Evolutions, because everyone will either think you're a massive douchebag, or completely retarded. Then again, maybe they aren't far off, since you somehow made it this far without stabbing your eyes out. I guess I fit in there, too, since I wrote it, so just call me King Retarded Douche, or something. I don't know. Is the entry done yet? Because I want to do little more than pass out in a puddle of my own vomit right now.

Don't take vodka intravenously, kids.


	41. Milotic

**Derpédex Chapter 41: Milotic**

* * *

><p>Every entry it's the same fucking thing; I pick the ugliest, most blatantly terrible Pokémon I possibly can, and I shit all over it. Well, not anymore. Oh no. This chapter is going to be different. This chapter, we're doing one that's actually beautiful.<p>

Or, we could do Milotic. I guess that works too.

Milotic has this insane reputation for being the most beautiful thing since indoor plumbing, and I find that hard to believe, since indoor plumbing is pretty fucking beautiful. But apparently some people don't like being able to flush their toilets and drink awful tap water in the shower at the same time, therefore Milotic has this retarded reputation. First off, it's a goddamn snake. Snakes aren't beautiful, unless you're playing Metal Gear Solid, in which case you'd have to be blind and stupid to not have a man-crush on Snake. But that's the only exception, okay? There are no more. And don't bring up Serperior, because nobody likes that one, either.

The first problem you'll encounter with Milotic is actually finding the fucking thing. For starters, you can't just capture one. Oh, no. That would be too easy, and fuck you for wanting life to drop from Dark Souls difficulty down to something actually doable. If you want a Milotic (for whatever reason), first you'll need to catch a Feebas. Sounds easy? Well, it's not. Feebas appear wherever they damn well please, whenever they damn well please. You could find one while fishing in a lake one day, then trip over another on the way to the store the next. Actually, the second one is a lie; Feebas only appear in the most out-of-the-way, inconvenient spots in the world. If you need one, find a town named Bumfuck Nowhere, and you're sure to maybe have a small chance of finding one.

Now that you used the combined powers of divine intervention and Google Maps to find Bumfuck Nowhere, you've caught yourself a Feebas. Or not, in which case, stop reading this and go fucking catch one. Now, the first thing you'll notice about your Feebas is that it's garbage. It's basically a Magikarp, and Magikarp are only good for eating and making fun of. If you'll want to ever have any chance of winning a battle with your retarded fish, you're either going to have to battle someone who's legitimately retarded, or evolve it.

Now that you've tried battling a legitimate retard with your Feebas, it's time to try evolving it. How do you evolve it, you ask? Well, it's complicated. Let's pour some strong alcohol, get naked, and discuss it, because all the best discussions are held while intoxicated and without clothing.

There are two ways to evolve your Feebas into a not-so-majestic Milotic, and they both suck equally. If you're in the Hoenn region, congrats, you got the shit end of the stick. Everyone else got the longer, not-quite-as-shitty end, but has to carry the stick through a bed of coals. Everyone loses, is what I'm trying to say. Either your feet get burned to hell and back, or your hands get covered in shit. Hey, it's like going to a graduation party at the beach! All jokes aside, both methods really do suck. For you Hoenn-dwellers, you have to feed your Feebas candy and dress it up like a hooker until it decides that it's beautiful, and then it evolves. Unfortunately, this method requires a lot of candy, make up, and daddy issues in order to work, and is easily the worst option. For everyone else, congrats, you got lucky. All you need to do is make your Feebas hold a Prism Scale and then trade it. Of course, then you'll have to actually trade back for the Milotic, and good luck finding someone stupid enough to give it back to you.

Milotic is so beautiful, it apparently makes people not want to fight anymore. That's a load of shit. Everytime I've seen one, I've wanted to hit it twice as hard. Then again, this might just be because my asshole friend beat the everloving shit out of me using one, and has never let me live it down, because he's a gigantic asshole.

Do you think Milotic taste good? I generally hate seafood, but I'm considering making an exception, just this once.

Stop fucking drawing art of Milotic, for god's sake. Nobody gives a shit anymore.

Despite my thoughts on Milotic's appearance, it does still make for a good addition to any team. It has a pretty good Special Defense stat, which lets it wall a lot of popular types, and a Special Attack stat that actually kind of sucks, but fuck it, we need to say something good about it that doesn't involve it getting punched in the face.

How do snakes fuck? I'm asking because I don't want that shit on my search history. There's already enough stuff in my browser to put me in jail for a long, long time, I don't want to make the prosecution's job any easier than it already is by adding more weird shit to the mix.

Milotic can basically fly. That's something that sounds like a load of hoopla, but it only kind of is. It can move through the air by twisting its body. Basically, it flies by jiggling. I would tell you that this is some fucked up shit, but I think you already know. I'm just saying; if I woke up one morning, and there was a big, ugly snake jiggling across the sky outside my window, I'd either go find some way to flush all of the cocaine out of my body, or kill myself. Either option would be preferable. I actually have seen one do this before, and it's not cool. Can we all agree not to let our Milotic fly? Because that shit's traumatizing. I can't see it again.

I was going to add a brief section on the end discussing the typical Milotic diet, as well as proper ways to care for it, but then I decided to talk about eyebrows. Milotic's eyebrows are way too fucking long. They're almost like ribbons, and I want to set a baby on fire whenever I see a ribbon. Just a quick public service announcement to all of you thinking about getting a Milotic; please trim its fucking eyebrows. Nobody wants to see that shit. Nobody. Not even other snakes and/or ribbon enthusiasts. Just trim the entire thing off and go to bed, because it won't turn out well for you if you do anything else. I'll have to stab you in the jugular with a rusty guitar string, is what I'm trying to say.

In closing, just don't get a Milotic. You'll live longer and happier that way.


	42. Lucario

**Derpédex Chapter 42: Lucario**

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><p>Yes, this is entry number forty two. No, you shouldn't make any references to <em>The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy<em>. Don't even fucking think about it. I will seriously castrate the first person who does.

Oh, joy, they're making me do Lucario now. I don't like Lucario. Like, at all. It combines everything I hate about Pokémon into one terrible package. I look at Lucario, and I want to shit myself out of sheer disgust.

Where should we begin? Should we start with the fact that half the Pokémon in the world decimate it because of its typing? Perhaps we should focus on its evolutionary method? Or the idea that it can use the fucking Force, like in Star Wars? Or maybe we should skip all of that, and instead focus on how most fans of Lucario only use it as wank fuel? Granted, that last one can be said about pretty much any Pokémon, but for some reason, Lucario has it really bad. Whatever, we'll focus on all of it. Why the fuck not? I wish I could say that it'd be fun, but you and I both know it won't be. Get out now before it gets worse, you fool!

Lucario is basically a Jedi. Know what aura is? It's the Force. Shut up, it's the Force. Don't even try and argue. The Force lets you pick up and hurl objects, and aura kind of lets you do that, but I already wrote that shit, and I don't feel like pushing delete, so deal with it. Anyway, I'm not sure what aura is, really. Can one of you tell me? I'm reading some paper written by some dude who's way smarter than me, and he's basically going, "I don't fucking know, get out of my goddamn lab before I spill something acidic on you,". Well, we at least know how it reads aura; basically, its hair gets a boner, and it can read aura. Pretty much. Weird, right? Not really, compared to some of the shit that's been covered already.

Yes, Lucario does have a Mega Evolution. No, I won't be talking about it here. I could talk about it here, but I won't, because that's a waste of time for both of us, since you probably already read the entry about Mega Evolutions. Honestly, you should know about Mega Lucario already; it's so good that everyone and their mom has one. I'd tell you to get one, but fuck that, there are already too many out there. So don't get one. Be your own man and lose like a motherfucking champion.

Unfortunately for all you Lucario fans out there, Mega Lucario is basically the only way you're going to be able to use it. Everything else shits all over it. You've got to deal with three really common moves (Flare Blitz, Psychic, and Earthquake), all of which will knock Lucario out in one or two hits, unless you've been boosting your defense, and why the fuck would you be doing that on Lucario? So, have fun dealing with that, I guess. I don't know, I'm long past the point of caring about what happens to Lucario. If I could round up every Lucario in the world, put them all on an island in the middle of the ocean, and then bomb that island back to the Stone Age, I totally would. The explosion wouldn't kill all the Lucario, but they'd sink. Actually, I wouldn't even need the ocean for that; my asshole neighbor's pool would be good enough. Hey, Todd; if you're reading this, stop throwing shit into my yard, and I'll stop drowning blue, bipedal dogs in your backyard, you dick.

Lucario evolves from Riolu after you've become really good friends with that Riolu. Yeah, it's another friendship-based evolution. You know, in case Espeon and Umbreon weren't enough. You should know better than to do this by now. Nothing good ever comes from unconditional friendship. Nothing. You stick your neck out for people, and they stab you in the jugular, because people are assholes. Pokémon are the same, but way worse, since they can usually just stab you with their bare hands, whereas people actually need a bladed tool for that. What I'm trying to say is that Pokémon are born with the ability to inflict massive amounts of pain on you, so don't make friends with them, because they will. You should totally lock yourself up in your room and play video games all day, like a safe person. I hear Mass Effect is supposed to be pretty good. You get to fuck blue alien girls, and girls who wear these leather suits that they can't take off, 'cuz they'll die if they do! Now, doesn't that sound better than wandering around the country with your friends, getting in fights and making lots of cash money? Please don't pick the obvious answer, I want to feel like I'm not alone.

Lucario has a natural sense of justice, but is also loyal to its Trainer. Well, shit, how the fuck do those two balance out? Like, if I shoot an old lady write in her wrinkly face, will Lucario be like, "yeah bro, I got your back on this. Let's fucking run from the police," or would Lucario be all like, "whoa bro, not cool. I'm gonna have to knock you out and then give you to the cops, because that was a major dick move right there,". Either way, that's fucking retarded. I'm somewhat tempted to go get a Lucario, then rob a store with it, just to see what will happen. Either nothing will, or its head will explode. Either way, I win. Maybe one of you with a less-than-stellar criminal record will test this out for me, hmm? Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, elbow, suspicious look?

Lucario can read people's thoughts. You probably knew this already, because someone wrote a really awesome story about it, but still, it's worth a mention. This goes back to that whole "aura" bullshit that we discussed at the start of the entry. I'm not quite sure how it works, but it pisses me off. I don't want people poking around inside my head. If I did, I'd fucking tell you what was going on inside my head. You see, my thoughts are a lot like my browser history; neither one is suitable for a normal person to view, and both should be deleted upon my death. Also, they're both filled with massive amounts of the nastiest, most disgusting porn you can imagine. There is some weird shit in there, not gonna lie. Either way, get the fuck out of my head, that shit's not for you to see, you fucknuts. I'm assuming you all share the same opinion, right? There are a few things you don't ever ask someone; the first is whether or not boxers or briefs are superior (hint; it's boxer briefs, you uncultured swine), and the second is their browser history. Just don't fucking go there.

I forget what I wanted to say. Just stay out of my head, and we won't have any problems, okay?


	43. Slurpuff

**Derpédex Chapter 43: Slurpuff**

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><p>Okay, now this is just getting out of hand. Can we stop with the insane bullshit Pokémon for five minutes, please?<p>

As one of you so kindly put it; yes, Slurpuff is "asking for one giant jizz joke". But I'm not gonna fuckin' do that, because that's some easymode-tier shit. That's like console difficulty, and I run this shit like it's a fucking PC; hard, unforgiving, and with a massive superiority complex.

Look at this fucking thing. Just take a long, hard look at it. Have you let it all soak in yet? Fuck it, I'm continuing on anyway. By now, you most likely know that this thing is Fairy, and if you don't, what's wrong with you? What else _could _it be? Maybe if someone felt like being a gigantic fucking comedian, they could have labelled it a Dark type, but that wouldn't do much, since it'd only be a Dark type in writing, not in reality. What I'm trying to say is that this goddamn thing kills dragons. And it kills them super good, too. There's not a dragon alive that Slurpuff can't take on and completely destroy. Imagine, if you will, a four year old trying to fight a professional wrestler. Now imagine that the four year old is a Dragon type, and Slurpuff is the wrestler, and that's pretty much what it's like.

Slurpuff have a sense of smell a hundred million times stronger than a human. I'm not making this shit up. Hell, I _can't _make this shit up; this is so fucking outrageous that it has to be true. What's the point of having a sense of smell that good? More importantly, why hasn't it put a shotgun in its mouth yet? I know I would, if I had a sense of smell like that. Can you imagine just walking down the street in a big city and smelling all the stuff people throw away? People who live in big cities already barely qualify as people, and the things they throw away solidifies their spots as sub-humans, so god almighty, how do Slurpuff deal with it? Maybe it has to do with the whole "dead inside" thing. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, slurpuff are totally dead inside. Look at those soulless eyes and tell me otherwise, I dare you. You can't, because I'm fucking right.

I haven't even mentioned the fact that Slurpuff are literally walking pastries. 'Cuz that's what we needed; more Pokémon based off of food. What, the ice cream Pokémon weren't enough, or something? What's the point of this shit? Is there some morbidly obese angel up there next to God, going, "dude, we totally need more food Pokémon! Do a fried chicken one next!"?

I don't know if it's edible or not, stop asking. The next person who asks me this gets my foot stuck up their ass, and then we're gonna have to go to the ER, and it's gonna be super awkward.

What the hell is a 'Whipped Dream', and why is it necessary for me to get a Slurpuff? Why am I asking what's necessary to get a Slurpuff when I so clearly don't want one? …Well, for all of you, of course! Not gonna lie, some of you are sick bastards, and a lot of you sick bastards love Slurpuff, so I guess I have to ask this question, against my better judgement. Anyway, to get a Slurpuff, you need to trade a Swirlix that's holding a Whipped Dream to someone else, and then trade back. Congrats, you've made dessert. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. You know, I've got a bunch of cookies in my pantry. Maybe I can stuff them into a Poké Ball and send them to you, since you seem to get a boner out of fighting desserts.

I borrowed my friend's Slurpuff to try out, once. I was disappointed. And disappointing me is a hard thing to do; I played through the Mass Effect series, so believe me when I say I know disappointment. You see, it all began in Mass Effect 1, when someone told me that you couldn't romance Tali…but, I'm getting off-topic here. In battle, this thing is actually pretty fucking bad. Maybe I'm just not doing it right, or maybe it actually is just that bad, I don't know. The bottom line is that I simply couldn't do anything with it, other than murder the balls off of various Dragon types. But, what more can you expect? Food isn't exactly known for its combat abilities, unless you're the famous soldier John D. Baddassfuckedyourmom, who killed fifty enemy troops armed only with a sandwich and his own limp dick. John D. Badassfuckedyourmom may or may not actually exist, but that's entirely irrelevant. Is Slurpuff good? I don't fucking know. I don't really care, either. You see, using Slurpuff is a lot like masturbating with sandpaper; sure, you might get results, but the cost is probably way too high. 'The cost', of course, refers to your dignity, and not your genitals, since that would just be weird,

What's with the tongue? Why can't this thing at least make an effort to try and be normal, even for a little bit? It's fine from the chest down, but then you get to the face, and it's like a fucking train wreck. You just can't look away. It's a lot like listening to Three Days Grace; you want to stop, because holy fucking shit it's so bad, but you just can't. It's like there's some otherworldly force that's making you hit the damn replay button over and over and over again. Well, that some otherworldly force that's making you listen to shitty music is also making you look at Slurpuff for an uncomfortably long period of time ('Uncomfortably long period of time', of course, meaning 'Any period of time at all, even for just a little bit'). I may or may not be equally responsible, since I told you to take a good, long look at it at the start of this entry, but hey, you stuck around for this long, so it's your own damn fault.

Don't forget; once you're purchased the 'Dex, you'll never go back to a regular Pokédex. I have that effect on people, you know… or, it might just be because I'll break your knees with a Louisville Slugger if I find out. Either way, you're here forever, and I get cash money, so everyone's a winner, except for you, since you're stuck here, and I'm taking your money.

The phrase "shit happens" comes to mind, my knee-less, penniless friend.


	44. Lickilicky

**Derpédex Chapter 44: Lickilicky**

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><p>Fuckin' really? Should I just give up hope of ever getting to talk about something good ever again? I mean, sure, I lambast the everloving shit out of the good ones when I do, but it's a labor of love, I swear. And don't go taking that last sentence the wrong way, you know what I mean.<p>

Know what I wanted to do? Granbull. Why? I don't know. But I wanted to do it, and that's what matters. It's like going, "I wanted to listen to Coldplay, but instead someone put on Green Day!" I don't know why in the world you'd ever want to listen to Coldplay, but hey, you wanted to listen to Coldplay, and someone put on Green Day, and now you're mad. That's what this feels like to me. Alternatively, it's like asking for someone to kick you in the groin with steel-toed boots, and instead they punch you in the teeth with brass knuckles, only somewhat more painful.

Can I talk about tongues for a bit? I want to talk about tongues for a bit. What's the point? I mean, it's nice to be able to taste things, but sometimes, you just want to turn it off. I fucking hate eggplant, but sometimes the world makes you eat eggplant, and you can't just ask the world to kindly go put its face underneath a drill press. Sometimes, you gotta eat the eggplant. The only problem is that eggplant tastes like old feet mixed with Pokémon food and old grass trimmings, so when you eat it, you puke all over yourself, like a college freshman downing a glass of vodka in one go for stupid reasons. I guess this is why I pity Lickilicky. It's got this stupidly huge tongue, and no way to turn off the taste buds so it can just eat whatever. Then again, maybe it's like fucking Kirby, and it just eats whatever isn't bolted to the floor, including the machine that bolts things to the floor, which isn't itself bolted to the floor, because you need to move it around in order to bolt other things to the floor. I don't know, because I've never spent an extended amount of time around Lickylicky. I just don't like it, okay? It scares me. The tongue reminds me of tentacles, and I've had bad experiences with tentacles. I've been on the internet, and I've seen some shit there.

Throughout my life, there have been a few things that I've seen that have just made me want to curl up into a ball and suck my thumb until my mom comes and gets me. Granted, that's what happens pretty much every other Friday, because living on your own sucks and not having friends that also sucks, but whatever. Where was I? Ah yes, sheer pants-wetting terror. Well, this is it. Were you expecting something different? A better joke, maybe? So was I. It sounded much better in my head, actually. What the fuck is going on?

Wanna know how you get one of these? Of course you do. Just once, can you please agree with me when I say something is messed up, because researching this shit is fucking traumatizing. I can't ever see it again once I'm done with what needs to be done, basically. It's shameful, I know. Fuck, do I know. Anyway, you get one by levelling up a Lickitung that knows Rollout. Pardon me, but what the shit? I thought Lickilicky's thing was that it has a gigantic fucking tongue, not that it rolls around on the floor like it's having a fucking seizure. Shouldn't it evolve based on an attack that actually involves the tongue? What was that one that might be related to the tongue, again? The one that can paralyze things? Lick, I think. Now, I'm not sure if that's related to the tongue, but it seems like it is, so fuck it. Lick should have been the move that determines evolution instead of Rollout. Why the fuck am I even discussing this, anyway? Move-based evolution is total garbage. I don't get it. That's like telling me that I can't become an adult until I sell my car and buy a fucking motorcycle, or something. Either evolve on your own or don't, but don't make it move-based, because that's just stupid.

How sexually active is Lickilicky? Who the fuck asks that question? What's wrong with you people? Well, the answer, according to some videos I happen to have saved, is 'very'. Not Sylveon-tier, mind you, but it's up there. Put those two together in a room with some scented candles and some romantic music, and you'll never be able to open the door again, because you won't be able to handle whatever happens in there. It's not meant for mortal eyes. Also, you know, stay several hundred feet away, because there might be a large chance that they'll try and get you in on it, and those bows are fucking irresistible, I tell you. By the way, I've got like three terabytes of videos that have been banned everywhere, so come get them. I'll leave them on my doorstep next to the discarded lockbox labelled 'My hopes and dreams'.

Did you know that Lickilicky saliva can decompose anything? That's what the "official" Pokédex says, anyway. Personally, I'm both terrified and eager to try this out. On the one hand, the idea that it might be able to dissolve human flesh is enough to make me sleep with more weapons than I already do. On the other, I now have an image of myself launching silverware at a Lickilicky from a cannon, and seeing how much it can catch in its mouth. I'm conflicted here. It's like Dragon Age: Origins; have I finally had enough of the shit gameplay, or do I want to keep playing just to see the ending, since I paid for it?

I can't help but wonder just how long that tongue is. It can't be that long, unless the inside of Lickilicky uses impossible space, or something. Then I guess anything is possible. If any of you ever get swallowed by one, do the rest of us a favor and take a meter stick with you, so we can finally get an idea of what we're dealing with. Then, once you're done with that, look for the entrance to Narnia, or something. It can eat anything, and that "anything" might just include a wardrobe, you know. Or maybe you won't search for Narnia, since that place is kind of a shithole.

Can I stop talking about it, now? I feel like a need a really, really long shower, and it's not exactly a mystery as to why.

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><p>Thanks to Fractured World for inspiring the premise behind this entry, as well as writing a few of the scenes.<p> 


	45. Smeargle

**Derpédex Chapter 45: Smeargle**

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><p>Buckle up for another entry of I didn't do much research on this one because it didn't look sexy enough. My interest in each Pokémon is determined based on a sliding scale of badassery. Failing that, I assign whatever value I feel like to it, then choose which one to do. Sure, it's unbalanced, unfair, and lots of feelings get hurt, but hey, it's how I run things. I'm just kidding. In reality, I'm waiting for the Silent Hill HD Collection to download, and I just so happened to think of Smeargle. Before someone gives me the inevitable backlash, let me just say that I know the Collection is disappointing, but it's the best I can do right now, so fuck it.<p>

I'm going to do something unusual and actually talk about the Pokémon first, this time. Smeargle is interesting because it can learn almost any move in the entire world, aside from Struggle and Chatter. How, you ask? Well, here's where things get interesting. Smeargle can learn the move Sketch, which copies the opponent's last used move. The downside is that Smeargle doesn't learn anything else naturally, so that's the only move you get. It sounds bad, until you realize that you can copy stupidly powerful moves, and absolutely destroy the opposition with it. Or you can what a few bastards have been doing, and copy moves like Dark Void. Do you hear that? It's the sound of butthurt. Enjoy it.

So, what's it like to own one? Take a fucking guess. It's a Pokémon that loves to paint, and is born with the ability to make its own paint. Everything is a damn canvas to it. You wake up in the morning, and it's like someone drew a roadmap on the wall. I wouldn't care if it could actually paint good pictures, but no, it just draws circles and lines. I can do better than that, and I can barely draw stick people without fucking it up. If someone ever shows you a good picture and says that a Smeagle painted it, punch them in the throat with your foot.

Why does nobody refer to the paint it makes as paint? It's always called "special fluid" or something like that. Stop fucking calling it that, you make it sound like it's painting with semen. It looks like paint, it feels like paint, it tastes like paint, and it smells like paint. It's fucking paint, okay?

Speaking of the paint, don't eat any of it, because it's lead-based. You will die if any of it gets in your mouth, which kind of sucks, since I have it on good authority that lead paint tastes amazing. Note that I am not encouraging you to eat lead paint, unless you actually go ahead and do it, in which case I will take credit for making the gene pool a little less stupid.

Apparently, Smeargle enjoy it when people step on them. That's kind of a weird thing to enjoy, but okay. I've heard of some people who get off on looking at feet, but make no mistake, they're just as weird. Most people who get stepped on spend more time trying to make the person get the hell off than they do trying to hide their boners, but I guess Smeargle is the exception to this rule. Actually, scratch that – Smeargle _is _the exception to this rule. Holy shit, it's bad. Since they spend so much time stepping on each other in the wild, if you catch one, it will eventually get to the point where it does nothing but lay on the floor until you step on it. It will even lay down in front of the door, so that you step on it as soon as you enter the house. I have no idea what purpose this serves, but I don't really care. Why did I catch one, again?

Smeargle uses its paint to mark its territory. Apparently this is a big deal, since there are over five thousand different marks it can use. Wait, what the fuck? Of course there are over five thousand marks it can use, it makes its own. While other Pokémon are limited to scratching trees or something, Smeargle can draw whatever the fuck it feels like, and use that as a symbol. Why is this surprising? I'm a goddamn idiot, and even I can recognize that this is no big deal.

Have I mentioned that Smeargle are all gigantic dicks? Because they are. Any piece of art they see, they will immediately begin to critique. And since "art" can mean everything from drawing and painting to TV and books, they never run out of things to say. Granted, it's hard to tell what they're saying, since Pokémon can't talk, but you can tell that it's nothing good. Some of us enjoy watching movies or reading books without having some asshole breathing down our necks, hatefully ranting in a language we can't understand. Even for those of us who enjoy the ranting, we don't need Smeargle. Foreign exchange students do that just as well, with the added benefit of not getting paint all over the fucking walls when they stay.

There are a lot of unanswered questions about Smeargle. Why does it need the paint? Why does it only learn Sketch naturally? Why can't it do anything other than act like an asshole? But the most damning one of all is this: why does it have a fucking beret? Here's a quick PSA: nobody looks good wearing a beret. Nobody. The only notable exception is Jamie from Mythbusters, and that's only because he's like the badass grandfather we all wish we had. If you wear a beret, you're a terrible person. The same goes for Smeargle. And hey, guess what? Smeargle is also terrible. Berets are like the universal sign that whoever you're talking to is terrible. You have my permission to stab anyone you see who's wearing a beret, but be warned that my permission doesn't hold up in a court of law. At least, not anymore. Either way, berets are bad, Smeargle is bad, and I'm done talking about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable.


	46. Togekiss

**Derpédex Chapter 46: Togekiss**

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><p>Holy fucking shit. I'm going to be stuck doing this forever, aren't I? There's no escape. I can't even kill myself, because I'd probably respawn in front of my computer or something, and that would have just wasted a bullet, and those things cost money because I don't reload my own ammo since I'm certain I'd just fuck it up and it'd kaboom in my hand like everything else I've tried so far in life. But enough about me, how are you doing? Probably not much better, since you're reading this, but hey, we can't all be winners in life. I'd say we're not so different, but then again, you're probably not reading this in your underwear at four in the morning while eating retarded amounts of ice cream and crying to yourself, trying desperately to figure out just where the fuck it all went wrong.<p>

This thing is a blizzard of balls. It's a tornado of testicles, a wave of wieners, a dust storm of dicks, a squall of scrotums, a monsoon of manly bits, a… fuck, I'm out of weather-related things to say. Guess now I'll actually have to talk about this fucking thing. Hold your noses children, because, like playing every Spyro game after A Hero's Tail, it's not going to get any better as we progress onwards.

Can we stop with the fucking evolutionary stones? It's getting to the point where it's just tiresome. No, I don't want to go out, pay some douchecanoe money for a pebble, and then hit my Pokémon in the head with the pebble in order to force it to evolve. I've been trying to figure out evolutionary stones, and I've come to an astonishing conclusion; evolutionary stones, and all evolutionary items in particular, are like downloadable content for a video game. You've got the base game, and it's pretty good, but eventually everyone's moved on to the DLC, which has exclusive weapons that are way better than anything the main game gives you. So, you buy the DLC in order to be able to match the other players, and you enjoy the game a bit more before finally getting bored and moving on to the next one. The problem is that this one has the same issues; DLC comes out, everyone is OP as fuck, so you buy it in order to match them. Wash, rinse, and repeat. Do you see where I'm going with this? The base game is like your Pokémon; it's cool, you're both bros, everyone's happy. You win some fights, you lose some fights, who cares. But then everyone else starts evolving their Pokémon, and you start losing a lot more, because yours is a Pokémon that evolves using a fucking rock, because it got the shit end of the genetic stick and has DNA that's functionally retarded. So, you're left with a few options; get a new Pokémon with DNA that isn't completely fucked, keep losing with your unevolved Pokémon, find an evolutionary item on the ground because some people are wandering dumbasses and can't be assed to check whether their fucking pockets have holes in them or not, or buy an evolutionary item from some jackass that's charging way more than they're worth. No, I would not like to mortgage my house for a fucking rock, because I'm not a complete idiot. I've got an idea of what these people can do with their stupid evolutionary items. Step 1, throw item away. Step 2, purchase firearm. Step 3, ensure firearm is loaded and ready to fire. Step 4, throw firearm away, because the people who sell evolutionary items at exorbitant prices are subhuman trash that aren't worth the bullets, not even when they themselves have bought the ammo. Step 5, proceed to set self on fire, whilst proclaiming, "Fire sale at my store! One time only! Get it while it's hot!" Step 6, die.

After all that, you probably think I'm going to say mean things about Togekiss, right? You'd be right. We are almost fifty entries in, and the only times I've ever deviated from the norm are times when I've huffed a combination of various alcoholic beverages, paint thinner, shag carpet, and various progressive rock albums. Togekiss is a lot like that fat kid in gym class; you think they suck at everything, but then you start playing dodgeball with them, and holy shit on a piece of toasted white bread topped with some secret sauce, they're fucking amazing. Here, we can see the age-old adage "don't judge a book by its cover because you never know what to expect, unless you see titties on the front cover, in which case you probably have a very good idea of what to expect". Togekiss has an opportunity to completely fuck over everything for the other guy, to the point where they can't do anything except scream and whine about how you're using the cheapest tactic since the invention of asymmetrical warfare, but much like the people who popularized asymmetrical warfare, you're probably laughing your genitals off at them while they call for a napalm strike on your position. I'm talking, of course, about the "Paraflinch" strategy. What is it? It's exactly what it sounds like. You take a Togekiss with the Serene Grace ability, teach it Aura Sphere and Thunder Wave, and proceed to absolutely wreck your opponent, like the guys who use asymmetrical warfare wreck people who use conventional warfare tactics. First, you paralyze them, like how the guys using asymmetrical warfare paralyze the people who don't by being impossible to properly locate. Then, you spam Aura Sphere, like how the guys using asymmetrical warfare spam hit-and-run guerrilla tactics against the guys who don't. Then, you win, like how the guys using asymmetrical warfare win. Unlike the guys using asymmetrical warfare, however, nobody will ever want to fight you again. You see, the "Paraflinch" strategy has the downside of people thinking you're a cheap asshole for using it. To be fair, you are. That doesn't make it any less funny when you uppercut them in the penis, though.

Togekiss are said to never appear where there is strife. I don't get it. How does it determine where strife is? Is it town-based, city-based, country-based, or continent-based? You can't just give an indeterminate amount of distance and leave it at that, because it's not accurate. We need specifics, you fucking lazy assholes. Where can my Togekiss not appear if there is strife? Is it a matter of feet, or do I have to appease people and go metric for this shit? Furthermore, why can't it appear where there's strife? Is it allergic to strife, or something?

In addition to that fucking stupid strife allergy shit, Togekiss are known to give blessings to people who respect other people's rights and avoid needless strife. Oh, great, we're back to the fucking strife nonsense. Get this shit out of here, I'm not even going to bother asking what constitutes as "needless" strife. How far do these "rights" extend? I know that some people believe in the right to life and nothing more, and others believe in more than that. Hell, I've even heard of some people who don't believe in a right to life. I don't know, I guess that makes them vampires, or some shit. Either way, my point still stands; do these rights differ from person to person? If so, how can it be expected for people to respect everyone else's? Fights will occur if that shit happens, because people are argumentative dickholes with a penchant for unpleasantness and a desire for everyone else to stop having fun. If these rights are not dependent on each individual person's interpretation, then what are they based on? Obviously, there's no universal right, since we don't all believe in the same shit, so that's out. I guess this leaves the decision up to Togekiss, and frankly I'm shitting myself with fear over that. I'd rather not trust my rights to a Pokémon, thanks. I don't really know anybody who would, either. One wrong word and it fucking stunlocks you forever with that cheap-ass Paraflinch bullshit, after all.

You know what? I'm done with Togekiss. I just don't want to talk about it anymore, because its very existence hurts me in places I didn't know I could be hurt. It looks like an airplane with mental problems, and I would rather not keep going on about it, please. This shit's traumatizing, I can't talk about any further.


	47. Magcargo

**Derpédex Chapter 47: Magcargo**

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><p>You ever feel lost? Like you're drowning in a sea of Pokémon, and nobody is there to throw you a life preserver? Well, have no fear, my friend, because the 'Dex is here. So grab hold of that inflatable ring, and let's ride a wave of happiness back to the beach of dreams next to the highway of tranquility. Yeah. That's nice, isn't it? Well, don't get used to it. If I'm stuck here, you are too. Choo choo motherfucker, we're done playin' games, get onboard the collective punishment train.<p>

What the fuck am I looking at? It's like Hell vomited on a pile of shit, or combined one of its used jizzrags with a boulder. Someone call the Italians and tell them that marinara sauce has become sentient, and has decided to get assfucked by a rock. It's a fucking ungodly abomination that begs for a violent apocalypse.

Let me tell you about the history of this thing, and believe me when I say that it was comedy fucking gold right from the beginning. If mother nature had a punching bag, it would be this thing, and goddamn is it amazing. First off, it's hotter than the sun in a pizza oven, so it can't go anywhere without the ground melting. Seriously, the only place you'll find a Magcargo or Slugma is the inside of a fucking volcano. So, we've already established that it can't go anywhere without sinking into the floor like Indiana Jones falling into a quicksand pit, but it also can't eat anything, because the food is incinerated whenever its gets close. So, what did Magcargo do? Well, it got used to eating lava. Thin back to ten seconds ago, where I mentioned how they fucking live in lava, and realize that this is equivalent to a human being gnawing on the walls of their house. But no, it doesn't stop there. Magcargo and Slugma are slower than snap-frozen molasses, because they have to move by slithering across the ground like a snake, or more accurately, like my cooking. To recap; we've got a pile of Satan's jizz that can't leave its home, which it is slowly eating because it is impossible to eat anything else since anything it goes near is reduced to ashes faster than a group of protesting Buddhist monks, and even when it is moving, it moves really fucking slow. The one saving grace is that Magcargo have no natural predators, because what would eat it?

I don't know how you would use this fucking thing in a battle. I really have no idea. Apparently, there exists a small amount of battle data, but none of it is conclusive, because the very presence of a Magcargo in battle is enough to cause heatstroke. I do have access to the basic stats, which I have obtained through questionable means, but don't go telling that to anybody because I'll find you and put my foot so far up your ass that I'll be able to trim my toenails with your teeth.

I don't even know why I'm doing this as an entry. It's not like people commonly encounter these fucking things, unless they make a habit of diving into volcanoes like retards, in which case these people should probably stay down there so as to eliminate themselves from the gene pool and prevent the further spread of their insanity.

Fucking hell, wouldn't you know that it just keeps getting worse? I should add a tagline; 'It's not going to get better as you go on. Either drop this thing now or kill yourself, but don't read any further.' Magcargo possess the ability to reform themselves with magma in those volcanoes they live in. This is terrifying on multiple levels. For one, there's the obvious fact that if it never leaves the lava, a single Magcargo can live forever, since it doesn't have any blood or organs, unless you count goddamn rocks. For another, you are now aware of the fact that Magcargo are swimming in pools of other Magcargo, and using those other Magcargo not just for food, but also to keep themselves alive forever. This is the fountain of youth as written by Lovecraft, I tell you.

Hey, kids! Do you hate that goddamn rock on Magcargo's back? Well, you can break it! How? With a slight touch! That's right, that solid-looking rock offers about as much protection as a wet paper bag against a bullet! Hey, do you know what time it is? Trivia time! Question: how much protection should a piece of armor give to the user? Answer: more than this fucking thing! Then again, the odds of you actually getting close enough to break the shell before being incinerated are slightly higher than my odds of ever seeing a human vagina in person, or finding a gaming journalist that still has a shred of credibility left, so maybe it isn't as much of a problem as I'm making it out to be. I know what look you're giving the screen right now. Don't judge me, I'll judge you. Nice pants, shitheel.

From a single glance, you probably think Magcargo is useless, and that it has no place on your team, or even in your Magical PC of Holding. You couldn't be more wrong if you tried. Picture this; it's the championship round. You and your opponent are down to one Pokémon each. They send out whatever the fuck they're got left, and you send out your secret weapon, which is, of course, a Magcargo. Everyone laughs at you and throws their ludicrously priced food at you from their position high above in the stands, but you stand your ground. You don the fireproof suit you've been storing in your ass, and you wait. And then, after a few seconds, it happens. A heat wave completely unlike anything experienced by anyone in history begins spreading across the stadium. People start dropping like flies, unable to deal with the insane temperatures. Your opponent runs away, forfeiting the match and leaving you to collect your winnings. So you return your secret weapon back into its Poké Ball and you get your awards, and then you go home with another victory under your belt. Useless? Motherfucker, you don't even know.

Oh yeah, apparently just having a Magcargo in a Poké Ball on your belt hatches any Pokémon eggs you're carrying much faster than normal. But nobody cares about that, so it isn't really worth mentioning.


	48. Probopass

**Hey guys, Remains here with an author's note for you all. Christ, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Far cry from when we first started, right? Anyway, I'm just writing this to let you all know that I'm starting college soon, and I'll have a tougher time updating my stuff. This takes priority over everything else I'm writing, so when I can update, I'll do this one first. However, new chapters will be sparse, since I'm not only doing college work, but I'm also trying to line up an internship, and looking for a band that needs a lead guitarist on campus. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm not quitting, I'm not abandoning anything, but I will be slowing down a fair bit. **

**I also wanted to take this time to thank each and every one of you. The 'Dex is staggeringly close to 50,000 hits total, it's almost at 150 reviews, and it just broke 100 favorites a few days ago. In addition, I've got almost 1,500 hits to my profile and am almost at 50 author favorites. Holy shit, you guys are the best. Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, and talking with me. The last two years or so have been a fucking blast, and it's all thanks to each and every one of you. I make fun of you all a lot, but deep down, I love you all.**

**This is Remains, signing off. Good luck out there, and once again, thanks for everything.**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 48: Probopass<strong>

Alright, fine, I'll do it. This is the obligatory Hitler reference, since I know I'm not going to get away without making at least one. Are we cool? Is that good enough? Probably not, but I don't really want to make one. That's too goddamn easy. We don't take the easy route here, unless the easy route involved penis, in which case we take it all the fucking time. I'm sure there's a joke in there about the author always taking the penis, but please refrain from saying it. I'm sexually confused enough as it is, I don't need you clowns reinforcing it.

Let's begin with the obvious. Not the Hitler reference, we just went over that. I'm talking about the big ass magnet on the top of this fucking thing. Now, this magnet is classified as strong, and that's where the classification ends. What kind of description is that? That's like asking someone what kind of bullet an antitank rifle fires, and having them answer "big". That's not a real answer, that's just you being a fucking asshole. Answer the question, you dumb fuck. Well, since no one else seems to want to actually describe exactly how strong the fucking magnet is, I'll give you a description, and let you decide for yourself. The magnets are powerful enough to grab just about any type of metal that you can hold in your hand. Ball bearings, nuts and bolts, small pieces of miscellaneous metallic garbage, surgical implants, and the kitchen sink. Don't go near one of these things if you value your sink, or if you have pins in your bones, you crippled fuck.

Ever wonder what those things on the side of a Probopass are? They're noses. No, I'm not kidding. They're noses. Noses that Probopass can control independently of one another. Why? Well, to attack things, of course! What else would it do with three noses, other than be a freak of nature and scare small children and myself?

Now, if you're not retarded, you probably took one look at Probopass and said, "Man, fuck this thing. Why can't they ever discover any cool Pokémon? These stupid ones are getting old fast". Nobody can blame you for that, but it was kind of a bad move, because Probopass does a good job at taking a hit. We're talking full-on immovable object status, man. Want to knock Probopass out? Good fucking luck. Or, as it turns out, you could end up doing just that, since those awesome defenses don't count for shit when matched against something that sweeps through teams like a janitor in a middle school classroom. Sure, you can try to wall the incoming hit, but you're only delaying the inevitable. Your Probopass will take a hit from something extremely common (such as Ground, Fighting, or Water two of which do quadruple damage to it), and it will get knocked the fuck out. Gold star for trying, but unfortunately, that star is made out of tissue paper. The real gold star goes to the guy who kicked your ass so hard he's now wearing socks made of shit, since we don't give prizes for second place around here, motherfucker.

It's that time again. Time to play, The Mysterious Genitals! You know the game. In it, I point out Pokémon that have no business having genitals, and try to guess what it might look like. So, what the fuck, let's do it.

Now, I'm not really sure what to think here. I want to believe that it has something to do with magnetism, but something is telling me that that's wrong. It makes sense, though. Like the vagina is the positive end, and the dick is the negative end, and the two attract. That would be pretty awkward, though, since the two of them would be picking up all the fucking metal pieces scattered around within a mile. It'd be like fucking someone while infected with pubic lice, except the lice are made of metal, and the person you're fucking is also made of metal. Hell, maybe the genitals themselves are just iron filaments or something. I don't know. Somebody do an image search for it, there's got to be at least one sick fuck out there who gets off to this, and they seem like they'd be the type of person to post pictures of it on the internet. I'd look it up myself, but my parole officer says he doesn't want me on any more watch lists than I'm already on. Of course, I may or may not own several illegal firearms, but hey, there are some things that I need to refuse to do out of principle. Okay, two things. The first is looking up Probopass porn, and the second is eating tomatoes, because both of those things are equally gross, and both of those things make the world a shittier place simply by existing.

I just now realized that two Probopass having sex qualifies as skull fucking. I'm not sure whether to laugh, throw up, or jerk off. Probably some weird combo of the first and second one, but hey, the night is still young, and I've still got a fridge full of alcohol. This one time, I made a drink that was ten parts vodka, two parts whiskey, five parts beer, six parts wine, three parts tequila, one part rum, and twenty parts root beer. I call it the Thirst Atomizer. One drink, and I woke up on the top of a bridge wearing my shirt as my pants, my pants as my shoes, and my shoes as a condom. After talking about Probopass, I might need to make two of them damn things. Who knows, maybe it'll kill me, and I can stop writing this fucking thing.

I'm starting to think that maybe the dick is just another nose. It can't be smelling anything good down there. I won't go into specifics, but you can probably guess. In other news, seafood is also terrible. Is that related? Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted to talk about seafood.  
>I said it before, and I'll say it again: don't judge me, I'll judge you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go drink myself into a coma and wake up in a foreign country.<p> 


	49. Relicanth

**College fucking sucks ass. Don't believe the lies everyone is telling you. Also, fuck it, I'm done holding back. I've taken too much shit for the past few months to care anymore. From this point on, I'm going to try and turn it all up a notch. Those of you with delicate sensibilities…how the fuck did you make it this far?**

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><p><strong>Derpédex Chapter 49: Relicanth<strong>

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><p>Ever go digging in the backyard? Well, do it. Grab a spade and start shoveling some dirt. Go on, I'll wait. It doesn't take very long and it's a better workout than reading this shit. You done? Okay, now you probably dug up something and questioned what the fuck it was before throwing it back in the hole and coming inside like a normal person. Fuck that. Go grab that thing and I'll tell you what it is. Got it with you? Congrats, it's a dead thing's skeleton. Now fill your bathtub up with water and put the skeleton in it. If done correctly, the skeleton will start to swim. That's because the skeleton is a Relicanth.<p>

Notice how I didn't bother to separate the skeleton and Relicanth up there. That's because they're the same fucking thing. Relicanth are living fossils. I believe the common term for that is "zombie", but there's no need to chainsaw its head off because Relicanth are harmless. How harmless? If you've ever cut yourself with the razor while shaving, that's the most they can do.

This, of course, begs the question; how did something so pathetic manage to survive completely unchanged for hundreds of millions of years? I'm no biologist, but I know that evolution is supposed to fucking kill the useless creatures, so why is this thing still around? Well, I thought long and hard about that for a while, and I believe I may have come up with an answer. Actually, make that two. The first is simple; Relicanth are born with the ability to know that they're pathetic, and spend the entirety of their lives in hibernation waiting for something to mercy kill them because living as a Relicanth is painful and shitty. The second is that everything else back then was even more pathetic than Relicanth, which was actually the apex predator, and thus had no need to change because it could eat just fine, thank you. Obviously, there are some flaws in both of these ideas, such as the fact that it's impossible to stay asleep for more than a few hours without some fucktard knocking on your door, let alone sleep for a thousand, but hey, you don't see any scientists making theories, and that isn't just because I set the laboratory down the street on fire, either.

Speaking of scientists being terrible, they apparently thought Relicanth was extinct for a long time before mysteriously finding one. I guess nobody considered dunking the fossils they dug up in their front yards into water. See, that there is yet another reason why you trust the 'Dex over science; science will lie to you, stab you in the back, and rape your mother. Don't get me wrong, I probably would do all of those things too, but I'll at least be honest. I don't need to hide behind peer review to let the world know I'm a terrible person, I'll tell you myself.

In all fairness, Relicanth are actually pretty chill. I had a roommate for a few months before I blew him in half with an M82A2 with a single shot 20mm upper receiver for eating the last bag of popcorn, and he never got mad about anything. Relicanth is like that guy, except even more chill. They're also pretty tasty, which is funny considering the fact that seafood is terrible. I tried boiling one once, only to find that I hadn't actually killed it beforehand because I was distracted by an infomercial, and it just kind of took it all. Yeah, I kill my food before I cook it, because I'm not heartless.

You can catch these things without tearing up your yard, by the way. You just need a fucking submarine in order to do it, because Relicanth live on the bottom of the goddamn ocean. Even then, it's not worth it, because it's fucking Relicanth. Just dig up your yard and put whatever you find in the bathtub like a normal person. And hey, digging even has the added benefit of maybe rewarding you with buried treasure if you're lucky.

Relicanth are deceptively light. On average, they weigh only 50 pounds or so. The non-American version of that is fuck you go get some freedom, bitch. You can actually pick one up and walk around with it unless you're not even close to having muscles, in which case you should just cut out the middle man and give it your lunch money before it scratches you and almost draws some blood.

According to some insider information I have, scientists are now attempting to synthesize a medicine that will slow aging, because Relicanth live to be over a thousand, which is old as shit. Remember Absol? That's the only Pokémon I can think of that even comes close, and even then they only live to be a hundred. That's still pretty fucking old, but it isn't older than Moses, so it should get the fuck out. I have no idea how they're supposed to make this medicine, by the way. It sounds more like wizard magic than anything, they're basically trying to make the fountain of youth out of fish DNA, then inject people with it. I've said some dumbass shit in the past, but even I can realize this is fucking retarded. Plus, it's scientists working on it, so you know it won't end well. Better get ready for a real-life Night of the Living Dead, because it's going to happen sooner rather than later. Thanks, science!


	50. Mew

**Derpédex Chapter 50: Mew**

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><p>Oh great, I get to do Mew this time. Gee, I wonder how this will go. No way this can backfire. I mean, it's not like Mew is known to be a prankster who likes fucking with people, especially people who give it incentive to do so. Nope, this can only end well.<p>

Where to begin? With loading my Ithaca M37, of course. I'm not taking any chances when this Psychic asshole is floating around, waiting for someone to give it a reason to fuck shit up. I'd sooner put a shotgun shell through its head than let it fuck up my life past the point it's already at. I will kill the shit out of this thing, is what I'm trying to say.

Now that we've gotten that all the way, we can talk about paradoxes. That's always fun, right? Too bad, that's what we're doing. So, how do you create something from nothing? In a feasible way, I mean. No science fiction allowed here, son, just reality. Cold, hard reality. Come up with an explanation yet? Stop trying. There isn't one. Physics doesn't allow something to be made out of nothing, matter cannot be created or destroyed, and all that. So, how is it that we have not one, but two things deemed to be the creators of all Pokémon? We've got Arceus and Mew. Where did they come from? They didn't create themselves, because that's bullshit, get that the fuck out of here. For that matter, which is the real creator of all Pokémon? We can't have two creators. We can have a creator and the assistant to the creator, but we can't have two creators. And don't give me that, "oh, they're just both referred to as creators because it's easier to say" bullshit, you and I both know that's fucking retarded. Either one is the creator, or the other is. So which is it? I know. Do you know? No, you don't know. It's Mew. Know how I know it's Mew? Because Mew is the only one with a brain that's fucked to the point where it decided to create a bunch of walking hellspawn armed with the innate ability to level a city block. Why the fuck there hasn't been a civil war between humans and Pokémon yet outside of shitty novels, I'll never know. But, as much as I would love to discuss war and the effects of a 7.62 NATO round on a Pikachu's skull, this is neither the time nor place, so instead I shall redirect the conversation back to Mew's fucked up psyche. So, the creator of all Pokémon woke up one day and was all, "Yo, I'm going to create all these insanely powerful life forms and just kind of throw them all on this one planet, don't nobody try and stop me or nothing," and there are people who want to say that it wasn't Mew? Arceus is presented as some kind of divine being, all regal and shit, stuff of legends, but Mew is always presented as some autistic kid who most likely laughs at fart jokes. Arceus would take the time to think about all the flaws this species it was creating would have, and seek to fix those problems, but not Mew. That's why there's so many of the fucking things, and why some kick so much more ass than the others; Mew don't give a fuck about being equal or fair, Mew just wants to make things and laugh itself into a coma. There, that's your philosophical discussion for this entry. Never bring it up again.

Mew possesses the ability to transform into any Pokémon it wants. I'd somehow tie this back into that whole philosophical discussion up above, but I requested people stop bringing it up, and I would prefer not to encourage people to talk about it any further. It must be pretty painful transforming into a different body shape all the time, you know? Stretching and shrinking your bones can't be easy, you know. Same with skin, organs, and all that other shit. It's also good for some paranoia fuel; Mew could be any Pokémon, at any place, at any time, and it could be making your life go to shit just for the hell of it. That Lucario you thought was your friend? It's actually Mew. Same with that Gardevoir you've been cheating on that Lucario with, it's Mew. To be safe, strangle every Pokémon you met, it's the only way to be sure. Or don't, because that's a good way to go to jail and spend twenty years getting assraped before some guy with a tattoo of a swastika on his left asscheek stabs you in the shower with a plastic spoon filed down to a point. Prison isn't fun, kids. Instead, you should live secluded in the woods, away from civilization, with just a magnum and a box of ammo as company, eternally watching the door, waiting for that Psychic motherfucker to burst through the door so you can kill it. It probably won't, but hey, at least you'll be doing something cool with your life.

In addition to being able to transform into whatever, Mew can also learn every single move in existence. I have no idea how they came to this conclusion. To my knowledge, there's only one Mew, and they can't know it can use every move unless they observe it actually using every move, something which seems incredibly unlikely given that Mew has never actually been caught by anyone. Way to go, science, you're just as intellectually dishonest as ever. I'm just some retard with a keyboard, and I can see through your bullshit. Again. Yet another reason not to trust science, though it's not like you need more, given all the shit they've tried to pull in the past. I don't give a shit if they landed on the moon, they're all idiots. I'm the fucking genius here. Who's going to argue with that, scientists? Yeah, like I care what a bunch of nerds have to say.


	51. Froslass

**Derpédex Chapter 51: Froslass**

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><p>A species that's nothing but females? Dropped.<p>

Okay, okay, fine. I'll do Froslass. God, what is up with the one hundred percent female bullshit? Am I supposed to be aroused? Because I am. Either way, that's not the point, the point is why. Unfortunately, I can't answer that point. I just kind of brought it up because why the fuck not? Nobody else is going to bring it up, so it might as well be me. As far as I'm concerned, there needs to be some dicks in order to balance everything out. The dick and the pussy are like the yin and the yang, you know? One can't exist without the other, because bad juju starts to happen if they're separated. So we should all pair up our dicks and pussies in order to prevent bad juju from happening. But we can't fucking do that if there's a species that's all pussy and no dick, can we? I'd recommend killing them all so the natural order isn't upset, but bullets go right through these things, so it's best to just not try.

Froslass is a Ghost/Ice type Pokémon that's also a midget wearing a kimono that likes to freeze things. Not the weirdest sentence I've typed, but it's up there near the top. They have an affinity for sneaking up on people and turning them into popsicles, then proudly displaying them to other members of the species as a way to brag about how much better they are. It's essentially a giant dick-waving contest that more often than not ends in frostbite, hypothermia, and death. To emulate this experience, because there's no good reason not to, take some ecstasy, strip naked, and run into a walk-in freezer, then sit there until you die. I can't claim to have done this, but I imagine it gives the same result, minus the ghost midgets laughing at your nudity.

So, the legend goes that some woman got lost on an icy path and was reborn as a Froslass. Because why the fuck not, I guess. This makes zero sense when you take into consideration the fact that Froslass evolves from a female Snorunt upon heaving a shiny rock at it, but that's the world of Pokémon for you. In addition, the sheer number of Froslass in existence is enough to call this origin story into doubt. I somehow find it hard to believe that thousands of women froze to death on a mountain somewhere and were reborn as Froslass without anyone noticing. Thus, I am forced to call this story out on its bullshit. Speaking of bullshit stories, can we stop with the half-baked legends for every Pokémon? They're not necessary. Once it's gotten to the point where frozen women are being reborn as ghost midgets obsessed with freezing people, it's gone too far.

Froslass are naturally shy and reserved. Naturally, this means that they're kinky as fuck. Also, as previously stated, the entire species is female, so if you're into femdom and frostbite, it looks like your dreams have come true. Prepare to get sexually assaulted, though. Did I not mention that Froslass like to do that? Must have slipped my mind. There's something about being dead that just gets the libido going, you know? As soon as your heart stops beating, your soul wants to go back and bone someone. This is because the universe has a cruel sense of humor and likes damning the deceased to an eternity of not being able to fuck anything other than other souls, and that can't be fun, because ectoplasm probably gets everywhere and shit. Luckily for Froslass, it doesn't have that problem. Unluckily for anyone crossing its path, Froslass doesn't have that problem. When something is eternally horny, it tends to want to do whatever it can to take the edge off a bit. Therefore, you get frozen into a lewdsicle and used as a paranormal fuck toy until death from lack of fluids and overstimulation. You could kill yourself pretty effectively by wandering into Froslass territory and dropping your pants, but try to remember that your dick is one of the first things to freeze off, and reconsider doing this. Replacing your blood with formaldehyde would be less painful than that.

As previously stated, Froslass evolves from a female Snorunt being exposed to a Shiny Stone. As with many things in the world, this only makes sense if you accept the awful reality behind such a phenomena. Snorunt is a pure Ice type, while Froslass has a dual typing of Ice/Ghost. Somewhere along the line, something has to happen to that Snorunt that makes it a Ghost type. It isn't being killed and then exposed to a Shiny Stone, because I tried that, and all I got was a dead Snorunt melting in my living room and magazine's worth of shell casings to clean up. My theory is that, when evolution begins, the Shiny Stone traps the Snorunt in a kind of limbo, halfway between life and death, in order to separate the soul from the body. The body undergoes the rest of the evolutionary treatment, while the soul is subjected to an unholy treatment of the most hellish things imaginable in order to "kill it", before being funneled back through the Shiny Stone into the new body. After all of this is complete, a new Froslass is born. My proof this is how it happens is unimportant, what is important is that this is how it happened. It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked. I am the teacher, and you are the student, therefore you must listen to what I have to say in order to succeed. So trust me when I say that this is how it happens, and all other theories are wrong because they don't reaffirm the explanation that's already been given. Criticism is acceptable unless it's one of my ideas, in which case you are to kneecap whoever is giving the criticism because they're stupid, how dare they criticize me.

There's nothing under that kimono. I've checked. It's just air. I'm not quite sure how they rape people, but they definitely do, so remember to always protect your genitals from wandering ghosts.


	52. Mega Evolutions Part 2

**Derpédex Chapter 52: Mega Evolutions Part 2**

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><p>Oh good, they discovered more of them. Great. Well, you know what that means.<p>

_Lightning round, motherfucker_

**Beedrill**

So, does this thing just never walk around? I don't see how it would, what with every single one of its limbs being a weapon of some kind. It must be tiring, having to fly eternally. Assuming it doesn't get squished, that is.

**Pidgeot**

How boring. Pretty much everyone else goes through some kind of big change when they evolve, and Pidgeot just gets some extra feathers. It's so boring I actually can't even think of anything to say beyond that. Next.

**Slowbro**

The Shellder clamped on to Slowbro's tail has finally reached its final form and begun to consume its host. Slowbro won't realize it's been eaten until about two weeks later, when it's already been digested.

**Steelix**

So it's normal Steelix, but with a ring of magnetic bullshit floating around it, it glows blue in some areas, and it has a moustache. Not nearly as bad as Pidgeot, but that's not saying a whole lot. It's not bad in battle, but really, you can do so much better than this.

**Sceptile**

I had some good things to say, but they're diminished due to the fact that this bitch has a fucking Christmas tree for a tail. That must be fucking awesome for contests, but absolute hell for fighting. Dress it up in order to show off to people, and have it get absolutely decimated in a fight because somebody grabbed its tail and won't let go. On the other hand, at least Santa will leave presents under Mega Sceptile's ass for you. It also gets the Lightningrod ability, for some reason.

**Swampert**

Someone's been hitting the weights. And they skipped leg day, it seems. That's not good for you, you know. It probably also skipped cardio, which is even worse. Put all that together and you've got someone who can bench press a fucking sedan, but can't run a mile to save their life. Hope you don't plan on battling for longer than fifteen seconds.

**Sableye**

Regular Sableye is already a bastard to deal with, so get ready for even more fun with this. Spoiler alert: it isn't fun at all. For the people fighting against it, at least. For the people using it, it's basically dropping a nuke on the battlefield. A wholly unnecessary discovery.

**Sharpedo**

Mega Sharpedo is the world's answer to the age-old question of what happens when you try to combine shit with gold; it's still shit, only this time it looks slightly prettier and comes with the disappointment of knowing that gold was wasted. Shitty in battle, but it looks like a submarine, so hopefully that keeps its trainers nice and warm while they try to stop losing.

**Camerupt**

I don't understand. All it did was turn into a turtle with a volcano on its back. Is this supposed to be an improvement? We already have Torkoal, we don't need Torkoal2.0: This Time With Even Fewer Redeeming Features edition.

**Altaria**

I can't find where the cloud ends and the bird begins. Anyway, Altaria is a bit of a jack of all trades in terms of both taking hits and giving them out. Don't be fooled, though; it can still kick ass and take names with the best of them. Too bad using it makes everyone think you're a pussy.

**Glalie**

So, am I supposed to wait until I start wetting the bed in order to go see a therapist, or should I just go ahead and schedule an appointment preemptively?

**Salamence**

Why the fuck does it look like a UFO? Normal Salamence actually looked pretty cool, but this one just looks like fucking shit. It's also overpowered as shit, so keep that in mind both when facing off against one and when selecting a Mega to use. Also, be prepared for someone to kick you in the head for being a cheap piece of shit.

**Metagross**

It's just normal Metagross turned on its side and boosted to hell and back. By which I mean it's completely and utterly awesome and will wreck people's shit.

**Latias**

It's like someone took a tank and made it fly. Good luck trying to inflict any major damage on this thing.

**Latios**

Now it's just getting unfair. What the fuck counters this shit that isn't also immensely overpowered? I swear, battles are looking less like schoolyard fights and more like arms races every day.

**Rayquaza**

Talk about being massively unfair. What happens when you power up something that's already capable of beating the shit out of pretty much anything that moves without taking a scratch? Nothing good for the guy fighting it, and a fucking orgasm for the guy using it, that's what. To put in perspective just how fucking overpowered this thing is; in a man-to-man fight against fucking God, Mega Rayquaza will win every time.

**Lopunny**

Not sure why, but this thing reminds me of a balloon animal for some reason. Also, it's nothing but more fetish fuel; its legs looking like it's wearing ripped pantyhose and the way it jiggles confirms that. I'd be mad if it weren't for my erection and the fact that Mega Lopunny is actually pretty decent in a fight.

**Gallade**

What's with the cape? Is it really necessary? It just seems like something extra for an enemy to grab onto and use to wreck your shit. Assuming they can even get near something whose arms can cut through pretty much anything, that is. But if they can, oh man, Gallade is absolutely fucked.

**Audino**

Given the choice between regular Audino and Mega Audino, I'd rather kill myself than use either one, because they're both amazingly bad. Mega Audino isn't even good fap material. Moving on.

**Diancie**

Like regular Diancie, but with a bigger dress. So, like regular Gardevoir compared to Mega Gardevoir. The only difference is that Mega Gardevoir is amazing, and Mega Diancie is only good. Also, do not look directly at the crystals, you will be blinded by their brightness and it will suck.

Now the question I'm forced to ask is when the fuck they're going to discover even more. Just watch, in twenty years everyone's going to have a fucking Mega Evolution. Eventually, they'll probably figure out a way to Mega Evolve without the stones, like a few of them already have. Write this date down, and just remember; in twenty years, when all this comes true, I fucking called it.**  
><strong>


	53. Porygon

**I'd just like to thank everyone again for 50,000 hits. You guys are fucking awesome, thanks a lot for supporting the story, and I hope you'll all continue to stick around for even more chapters.**

**Derpédex Chapter 53: Porygon**

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><p>Now here's a weird one. Porygon, in case you didn't know, is the first completely man-made Pokémon. It is composed entirely of programming code and looks like a pixelated bird. As you can probably tell on your own, it's weird as fuck.<p>

The first thing you need to know about Porygon is its history. One day, a bunch of scientists were sitting around, possibly drinking heavily, when one of them wondered aloud if it was possible to create life. The other scientists threw beer cans at him for being a retard and got back to dissecting genitalia, since that's what scientists do. Eventually, they sobered up and realized that the first scientist had a point, and everyone decided to try and create life. Someone pitched the idea to use programming code, and long story short, somehow Porygon was born. Don't ask for specifics, because I couldn't tell you about them since I was at home playing video games at the time, not watching them create life.

Now that Porygon's history has been established, we can discuss it like everything else, by which I mean question why the fuck certain things about it are the way they are. Why does it look like a bird? Why couldn't they have given it a cooler design, possibly one that isn't made out of N64 graphics? Where do all these new Porygon keep coming from? Surely, the company making them would have upgraded the design by now so it doesn't look like ass, and done so in a way that isn't just an evolution? If Pokémon can now be manufactured, why isn't everybody all over this shit, since it seems like an easy way to make money? For that matter, does this mean that the average teenage script kiddie can now make a Porygon in his basement, given enough free time? Why are its stats so fucking bad? Did the creators decide, for some reason, to make it completely mundane in every sense of the word instead of completely overpowered, like everybody would have wanted? If I upload a computer virus, will it make my Porygon sick? If so, do I need antivirus software in order to fix it, or will a Pokémon Center work just fine? For that matter, why the fuck is it healed by a Pokémon Center if it's a machine? Can you put anything in those things and have it come out fixed?

I think that's enough questions for now, you probably get the idea. To put it simply; this is confusing as fucking shit, dude. I feel less like the people who invented this thing considered all the variables involved with doing so and instead went with their guts on it, both because I find that prospect immensely hilarious and a more feasible explanation than the alternative, which is they actually considered every possible variable and wrote a script that accounted for each one. Shit, can you imagine how long that fucking script would be? My programming experience is limited to a class I took in high school, and even just getting a motor to spin at a certain speed took a third of the space on the screen. I can only imagine how it must have been coding this shit. And then going back through and fixing any possible errors in the code? It must have been a fucking nightmare.

You know, if they managed to successfully make a Pokémon, it couldn't have just come out perfect. There must have been some prototypes that failed first, unless the team that made Porygon was staffed by a bunch of fucking savants who never make any mistakes, ever. Personally, I find that hard to believe, so my question is this; where are the prototype Porygon models? They must be around here somewhere, unless the team behind them decided to deal with the issue before it presented itself and eliminated the failed subjects before they became a problem. Can't really blame them, since nobody would want a retarded sentient computer program running around, but it still feels quite sinister. I feel like I may have just unwittingly stumbled into a massive conspiracy, or something. If you don't hear anything from me in the next few days, don't call the police, since they're probably the ones who have kidnapped me and would be in the process of breaking my kneecaps and waterboarding me. Instead, take the shotgun I have under my bed and blast your way through the department in order to find me. If I'm not there, don't be alarmed, since it makes sense that they wouldn't keep me there because it's the first place anyone would look. Just spend the rest of your natural life hunting around the globe for me, I'm sure it will pay off eventually.

Now that I'm back from barricading my doors, we can continue with the discussion of this fucking thing. Porygon are capable of travelling through cyberspace and actual space, though only the first has any actual use in this day and age. Feel free to argue, but I simply cannot find a reason other than shits and giggles why anyone would launch a Pokémon into space, since everything it could do could also be done by a satellite without the need to edit code. So, what could cyberspace travel possibly be used for? Spying, of course! Though the information it gets from people's computers might be enough to make even the most elite of government agents want to gouge their eyes out, the ability is still useful. Perhaps even more useful is the ability to browse the internet at an incredibly fast pace. Of course, this is somewhat limited; it still requires an internet connection and a browser in order to work, and current browsers are so fast that it's hardly worth using at all, but still, it's a cool ability. It also lets you intercept those nude photos people are sending between each other, so go fucking crazy with that.


	54. Shedinja

**Derpédex Chapter 54: Shedinja**

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><p>Now, here's a weird one. Coming from someone who does nothing but talk about weird and freaky bullshit and treats it as normal, me saying that is a good sign that it's not just weird, is pretty fucking weird. Where to begin? Perhaps I could start with the fact that it breaks the laws of physics? Or maybe the fact that it can either be as strong as a tank or as weak as a wet paper bag depending on the circumstances? Well, I decided to take the high road and make fun of its appearance first. Shedinja looks like a sad old man with a face covered in wrinkles and squinty little eye mixed with an angel and a demon in equal measure. The angel gives it the halo, while the demon gives it anything else. Even in the world of Pokémon, most of which have some part that makes them look unnatural and creepy, Shedinja manages to stand out, like the weird kid at a high school dance who hangs out near the punch bowl the entire time without talking to anyone and eye-humps the girls in skimpy dresses as they walk by.<p>

Bringing it back to the whole physics thing, Shedinja does indeed break physics on a fundamental level. The reason is this; assuming the law that states matter cannot be created or destroyed still stands firm, because weird shit is happening in the world today and Arceus enjoys fucking with us, Shedinja comes from out of fucking nowhere. See, in order to get a Shedinja, it's actually rather simple; evolve a Nincada into a Ninjask and have an empty Poké Ball on you when you do it, and you're done. But here's the thing; Nincada doesn't actually evolve into Shedinja, because it only undergoes one evolution at that time, and that evolution turns it into Ninjask. Even weirder, you won't get a Shedinja if you don't have an empty Poké Ball of some kind on you, which of course raises the question of where in the hell the fucking thing comes from. It's tied to Nincada in some way, that much is certain, but beyond that nobody has a fucking clue. Now, normally I would post my own theory about where it comes from, but for once I am well and truly stumped. My only idea is that physics operates on a switch of some kind, and God likes to turn that switch on and off at will whenever he finds it most hilarious. Sounds crazy, but then again our God did give us such beauties as Wobbuffet and Stunfisk, so maybe it actually isn't.

Shedinja, while somewhat similar to Nincada and Ninjask in appearance, should not be mistaken as actually being similar to either one when it comes to anything else. Shedinja is part Ghost, while the others are not. Shedinja is also completely genderless, while the others are not. It also has a unique ability that sounds cool but is mostly useless in practice, while Ninjask's ability can actually make it a threat if used properly.

Speaking of being a threat, Shedinja is only one if the person facing it is either an idiot or extremely unlucky, once again because of that special ability. When I said it could either make it amazing or shit, I wasn't kidding; under certain scenarios, its ability can be a game changer and cause it to absolutely destroy the opposition, but most of the time it will just make for an easy loss. That ability, of course, is Wonder Guard. Wonder Guard prevents Shedinja from taking damage from any moves unless those moves are super effective, which sounds great in theory but is really almost useless in practice. Wonder Guard has a few giant flaws that prevent it from being a game breaker. The first is that Shedinja is actually kind of shitty and not capable of doing much with it. On just about anything else, Wonder Guard would be little more than an instant win button, but Shedinja just doesn't have the muscle necessary to take advantage of it, probably because it's a ghost and has no internal organs, but that's beside the point. The second is that Shedinja has the defenses of a wet paper bag that's been fed through a paper shredder and dumped into a vat of acid. It's protected from anything other than super effective damage, but a single hit from anything that it isn't protected from is an absolute death sentence. I've tested it with Pokémon that have just hatched out of eggs and are probably far too young to be in a battle because I'm a terrible person, and even a tiny attack that would probably not even break the skin on a human being is enough to take Shedinja out, it's that fucking weak. Third, it's got way too many fucking weaknesses to even take advantage of what little protection Wonder Guard actually offers. If it was just Bug, it would be better, but it has that secondary Ghost typing, so it isn't. Shedinja is weak to Flying, Rock, Ghost, Fire, and Dark moves, and whatever it's facing is almost guaranteed to either be packing at least one move that fits the bill or to switch out to something else that does. Wonder Guard also doesn't protect from environmental hazards or status effects, so Shedinja can still be downed easily by poison or burn damage. Finally, if the enemy has Mold Breaker, it will be able to hit through Wonder Guard anyway. All of this adds up to create something that is simply not worth the trouble of using, as it will most likely be defeated before getting a single attack out and cost its trainer a party space that could have been used for something that isn't complete fucking garbage.

If you're wondering why I sound mad, it's because I am fucking mad. I tried using a Shedinja once because it sounded fucking awesome on paper, and I got my ass handed to me by some kid in a stupid white hate that looked like a bad haircut. Shedinja is shit and nobody should ever use it unless being severely beaten in a battle gives them a boner, in which case they should use it constantly.


	55. Trapinch

**Derpédex Chapter 55: Trapinch**

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><p>I've been doing this shit for a few years. This shit is my job. It is my job to do entries on Pokémon explaining shit to people who are either too poor to buy a real Pokédex or who were suckered in by my clever advertising strategy of "buy my shit or I'll blast you in the knees with a Mossberg 500". What does this have to do with anything? Simple; there isn't a whole lot that stumps me when it comes to Pokémon. I kind of know my shit, since I wouldn't get paid otherwise. But, there are a few things that occasionally stump me, and this is one of them. I've been over every possible angle, every little bit of evidence ever published, and I cannot, for the life of me, establish how the fuck the evolutionary line of Trapinch works. It starts off with some weird little turtle thing with a bear trap for a face, then turns into a dragonfly wearing goggles, and finally into an actual dragon wearing goggles. None of that shit makes any fucking sense. How do we go from a turtle with a bear trap to a dragonfly in the first place? Most evolutionary lines in this bizarre, fucked-up world have at least something in common to establish that they are, indeed, a part of the same family to the average onlooker, but for some reason, we don't get that basic convenience here. Were it not for the fact that I actually fucking own a Flygon, I would not have known that Trapinch evolves into a dragonfly called Vibrava and would have most likely spent my days trying to find a wild one, because fuck you I like Flygon.<p>

So, now that that bit of confusion has been established, let's talk about Trapinch. More specifically, why Trapinch fucking sucks ass. Let me play out a scenario for you; so, you want a Flygon. Really badly, too. You happen to know that Trapinch eventually evolves into Flygon. So, you run down to the store or whatever and get yourself a Trapinch, possibly wondering why there are so fucking many of them given that Flygon is so cool and everyone seems to want one. Still, you push that thought to the back of your mind and take the little bastard home in the hopes of eventually training it up to be a badass. You put it down on the floor, and it immediately digs a big ass pit in the middle of your living room that swallows all of your shit and covers it in sand. Congrats, you've discovered why nobody wants a Trapinch. The little shitheads really, really like to dig, you see, and if you've got a house on the ground floor, that's exactly what they'll do. Now, you might be wondering what the reason for this is, and I'll respond the only way I can; bitch, there's a fucking pit to China in your living room floor, and you're concerned with _why_? Clean that shit up, it looks like garbage and is also dangerous, which is great if you hate your guests who won't stop coming over but sucks otherwise. Oh, and to answer your question; because Trapinch catch their food that way, and their food in this case is your floor and everything on it.

I don't get to say this often with sincerity, but this is one goddamn stupid Pokémon. It doesn't just ride the short bus to school, it digs a hole in that bitch and makes the short bus swerve into oncoming traffic, killing dozens. This can all be traced back to one thing; its head is bigger than its body, providing a fucked up balance that more often than not ends up with it involuntarily doing handstands. This wouldn't be a problem if Trapinch understood this, but no, they don't, so they end up doing weird stupid bullshit that causes them to end up on their backs, where they can't roll over because they're fucking turtles, which are also stupid. You'll be in a battle and end up losing because Trapinch is flat on its ass again, meaning you can't do anything but take whatever your opponent is giving. This is especially noticeable when you're trying to train the damn thing so it evolves into Vibrava, something that's actually useable, and you'll quickly come to resent yourself for not picking something smarter, like a Bagon. You heard me; you'll be so fed up with how fucking stupid your Trapinch is that you'll wish you had a Pokémon that willingly jumped off cliffs because it wants to fly.

Whatever happens, do not fall into a Trapinch pit. Those things are almost inescapable, so be fucking careful. The scary part is that they don't look like it, either; most pits are only like five feet deep, but that's precisely how they catch things. People and Pokémon go to wonder what this mysterious shallow pit is doing in the middle of the road and end up trapped in it because situational awareness is apparently dying a rapid and extremely painful death. Thankfully, these pits are pretty easy to avoid, since Trapinch have not yet learned the wonders of camouflage using twigs and branches or whatever else is lying around to create a booby trap, so just avoid any mysterious holes in the road and you should be fine.

Trapinch are used to living in the desert, so it isn't necessary to water yours more than once a week. I'd recommend forgetting even longer than that, since after seven days the little shit has to come out of its hole in order to find some way to hydrate itself, which provides the perfect opportunity for you to catch it and clean up the gaping cavern it left in your living room like an asshole.


	56. Ninetales

**Derpédex Chapter 56: Ninetales**

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><p>First off, I'd like to request that everyone take this time to remember how to fucking spell Ninetales's name propery; it's <em>–tales<em>, not _–tails_. Everyone should learn this on account of the fact that it is not that fucking hard.

Oh good, yet another one that evolves with a fucking rock. I'm not even going to get into why this is fucking stupid because that'd just be beating a dead horse at this point, I just want to point out that it's completely retarded in every sense of the word and that nobody has any fucking idea why a rock is enough to completely change a living being's body into something different. Don't give me that bullshit "stored energy" theory, either; we'd be able to harness whatever energy was present in these fucking things in order to power something if that were true, and since we can't, that theory has been proven to be bullshit, so someone should take it out back and put it out of its misery already.

For some reason, everyone makes a big deal out of Ninetales being able to easily understand human speech. Correct me if I'm wrong, but can't every Pokémon do that, since they take orders from us almost the instant they're caught in the wild? Why is it such a big deal when Ninetales can do it if everyone else can do it, too? Is it because Ninetails is so overwhelmingly mediocre at everything else that a common trait needs to be highlighted in order to make it not shitty? I'd say so, because Ninetails kind of sucks massive amounts of cock otherwise.

Ninetales, despite being completely average at just about everything else, still has a few interesting abilities, but it doesn't really get any points for that since just about every other Pokémon has something interesting about it, too. Still, for the purpose of research, I guess I'll talk about it. The first big thing about Ninetales is its incredible long life; the fucking things live to be 1,000 years old. That makes it old enough to be a grandfather's grandfather's grandfather, and then some. Sounds awesome until you realize that it will most likely outlive its friends and possibly its family unless it decides to fuck another Ninetales, in which case that still might happen because one of the two partners has to die alone thanks to nature being an unforgiving, cold-hearted bitch with a mean streak several thousand miles long. This is assuming Ninetales doesn't get shot or something, though I can't imagine anyone who would do that, so stop looking at me funny because I didn't do it this time.

Ninetales have the amazing ability to hold one hell of a grudge. These fucking things will set a curse on some dude that lasts for longer than the dude's life, though this is kind of pointless in the long run since the dude will obviously die, but hey, nobody said Ninetales were highly intelligent or something. Oh wait, they did, because people are fucking idiots. No, the thing that sets a curse on someone that's designed to last for longer than the victim is alive is not fucking smart, even if they are doing it because hyperbole is funny. There is a point where it stops being funny and just gets to Ninetails being a butthurt retard, and that point is often passed, because Ninetails are, by and large, nothing but butthurt retards.

Retribution for whatever transgressions may have been committed against a Ninetales is often unfairly brutal. We're talking a special venereal disease that lasts a thousand years and burns to hell and back for stealing some food from the motherfucker, or from accidentally grabbing one of its tails. I have no idea how these curses come into being, given that none of them can be used in battle against an opponent, which is a shame because the person using a Ninetales would never lose since they could just curse their opponents into oblivion and cheat their way to the top.

Who's the moron who came up with the idea that Ninetales can control people's minds? Ninetales is a straight-up Fire type, and in order for mind control to work, it would have to be part Psychic. No, learning Psychic isn't enough; my Umbreon can learn Psychic, but it can't control minds, so there's no reason why Ninetales should be able to, either. Get these stupid fucking legends out of here, that shit is for the easily fooled and little kids that are afraid of the dark.

So get this; there's another legend telling the tale of how Ninetales was created, because why the fuck not? Surprisingly, it doesn't mention Arceus at all, which immediately calls this legend into question, because I thought that guy was supposed to be the creator of all Pokémon. Anyway, it goes like this; so there were these nine wizards who lived on top of this mountain. They were upset because they were permavirgins, since they never had sex which is where they got their wizard powers from, since everyone knows that if you never have sex you become a wizard. These guys, as previously stated, lived on top of a mountain for some reason unknown to us, but that's because this is just a legend, shut the fuck up. Some shit went down one day, most likely due to the wizards from the mountain across from there getting tired of their shit and deciding to fuck them up. The nine original wizards weren't having any of that shit and turned into Ninetales, proceeded to wreck the other wizards, and then realized they fucked up because they couldn't turn back to normal. Also, this happened a bunch of times, because there's a lot of Ninetales in the world today, and if this legend were true at least some of them would have to be formed that way. This legend would normally be taken out back like the rest if I didn't find it so damn entertaining to think that a bunch of permavirgins managed to actually do something productive, so this one gets my seal of approval. Tell it to your friends, just don't expect them to want to hang out with you anymore.


	57. Bastiodon

**Derpédex Chapter 57: Bastiodon**

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><p>Holy shit, now <em>this <em>thing is one ugly motherfucker. Its face looks like it became very acquainted with the wrong end of a steam roller. Why the fuck does it have to be so damn ugly? Damn evolution, you're a fickle bitch, giving some Pokémon awesome abilities and cool appearances while others get the shit end of the stick like that. Evolution, it seems, doesn't just whittle it down to the gems as was once thought, because if it did, Bastiodon would actually be pleasant to look at, or at least not make me want to throw up whenever I look at it.

Despite having a face that not even a mother could love, Bastiodon are known for being capable of withstanding just about any attack thrown at them thanks in part to their gigantic heads that look like shields and their own desire not to be eaten, since that happens in nature and shit. It's quite astounding just how much punishment a Bastiodon's face shield thing can take before it breaks. I believe some assholes have gotten it to stand up to anti-tank weaponry before having to stop since the only thing left was bits and pieces. Relax, it wasn't a _live _Bastiodon they were testing, so don't fucking worry about it…although this does raise the question of exactly how long the body had been decomposing before the tests, since that would have certainly affected results in some way, in which case they might have to kill another one for testing purposes or something.

Bastiodon is, of course, only obtainable from a fossil, which you would need to take back to a special lab in order to revive the Pokémon from it. This is because, despite having the ability to revive dead things and not charging a fucking cent for it, people in the science community apparently think it's absolutely hilarious to not only inconvenience people by forcing them to go out of their way in order to get the Pokémon they want but also in having the power to revive an entire species and not doing that. I can't really blame them since they're absolutely right, and it is hilarious watching people run across the region just to revive some shitty fossil that's been rotting in their backpack for a few weeks.

While they may look like they feast on the tears of children and the blood of the innocent, Bastiodon are actually surprisingly docile, subsisting entirely on a diet of grass and berries. Of course, being herbivores, this means they need to eat a fuckton of grass and berries in order to be satisfied. We're talking at least half their weight in food per day, at the bare minimum. More likely than not, and especially if it's been battling, it will take far more than that in order to satisfy one. There's a good reason these fucking things went extinct, and it's that the motherfuckers ate all the food in the immediate area, and while the other Pokémon had no problem relocating in order to survive, Bastiodon move at the speed of a slow glacier, so they all died of starvation and off being picked off by random predators that were much bigger and stronger than they were. Pretty funny for all of us who can actually walk quickly, but not so much for the ones who were eaten.

Speaking of predators, Bastiodon actually have an interesting defense mechanism; when attacked, a herd of Bastiodon will form a circle around the young ones, preventing predators from reaching them. No information on how they planned to protect the Shieldon from predators like Skarmory which attack from the sky, but it doesn't take a genius to guess that they were pretty much shit out of luck if that happened. Same thing goes for predators that could just jump over the barricade, or that just didn't give a fuck about it; it's already been established that Bastiodon are slow as hell, so there isn't much they could have done if that happened. I guess we know why they went extinct.

Anyone else notice that Bastiodon's face looks like a stereotypical castle? How the fuck does that work? I don't think castles were around back when Bastiodon were still emerging from whatever lower life form they evolved from, so I don't understand why it would be based off of a fucking castle. Actually, maybe I'm looking at this whole thing the wrong way; maybe Bastiodon showed up, some dude saw its face and was like, "Shit son, I could make a protective fortress that looks just like this shit that's so tough my enemies will just give up and go home rather than try and knock that fucker down". But then, given the time period castles first emerged in, it would stand to reason that there would at least be some kind of text that showed where the inspiration came from or something. I don't know, maybe it's all just some bizarre coincidence or some shit, fuck it I don't get paid enough to think about this bullshit.

So, now for the question I know everyone is asking; how does it do in battle? Pretty badly, to be honest. Sure, it can set up a wall that most attacks can't get through, but it's just too damn slow to be of much use against anything, and on top of that its defenses completely fall apart if the opponent it's facing is packing a Water type move, a Fighting type move, or a Ground type move, and all three of those are extremely common these days, in the form of Surf, Focus Blast, and Earthquake. Earthquake is especially bad, since Bastiodon has a dual weakness thanks to its Rock/Steel typing, and Earthquake is arguably the most common move of the three. It's a fucking wonder that Bastiodon't opponents back in ancient times didn't just wise up and start launching fucking Earthquakes at everything, given that fucking everything can learn that move. I don't know how long Bastiodon were alive, but every second of it was a goddamn miracle.


	58. Spiritomb

**Derpédex Chapter 58: Spiritomb**

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><p>It's just now occurred to me that this world is populated by a scary amount of the living dead. And that bullets don't work so good, because they're not zombies, they're ghosts, which just makes things worse because if there was ever some Ghost type insurrection there's not shit we can do about it other than fill water balloons with holy water or something and pray that it works. Personally, I find this thought kind of terrifying, so I bought a bunch of crosses and got a priest to bless my pool, so I've got plenty of lines of defense against those damn Ghost types. The rest of you all are on your own though, because I'm not sharing any of my holy pool water or crosses.<p>

In order to fully understand Spiritomb, one must first understand an item called the Odd Keystone. To begin with, that's a fucking stupid name for the item, since it doesn't lock or unlock anything, at least to my knowledge. Outside of that, it's needed in order to obtain a Spiritomb. First, it must be taken to Sinnoh route 209 and placed in a broken-down tower. Then, whoever placed it there must go talk to thirty two people for some stupid reason, and then when they come back, a Spiritomb will be waiting for them. I don't know how the fuck a damn rock knows whether or not you've talked to a certain amount of people (or to a single person a certain number of times, if you feel like being a cheating dick), but I've seen too much weird shit to bother with questioning something that's only slightly unusual. Oh, the Odd Keystone is also completely useless at anything else, so unless you want a somewhat interesting paperweight, you might as well go get yourself a spooky Ghost type.

Spiritomb are created in part from the Odd Keystone, but mainly from a hundred and eight dead people whose souls are trapped inside of it due to misdeeds. Basically, about a hundred guys who got sent to the electric chair for being bastards get trapped inside of a rock for one reason or another, and that rock doesn't become a Pokémon until it's placed in a specific ruined tower in a specific part of a certain region, and until the person who placed it there has talked to thirty two people once or one person thirty two times, whichever is easier. I knew some Pokémon were formed from weird and stupid methods that make no sense, but so far this is the one that makes the least amount of sense. I said so far because this is almost certain to change, since the world we live in is weird as shit and we still haven't discovered everything somehow, so there's probably something weirder out there.

I am now coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely become a part of a Spiritomb when I die, given the fact that I'm kind of a bastard. Yeah, I've committed some very large misdeeds, but nobody is innocent, so shut the fuck up. Mine just, you know, happen to be worse than what most people have done. This won't be all bad, though; Spiritomb take on the mannerisms of those souls used to create them, so at least when I die I'll get to force a hundred other people to put up with my shit, since I'll most likely be the biggest fucker there and thus have the most control over the body, since that is definitely how it works. As long as there isn't someone there who's overly altruistic and not a bastard, then my plan will work perfectly; the world will have to deal with five hundred more years of me, since that's how old most Spiritomb last before the souls move on to the afterlife.

Even though it's somewhat obvious, I'm still going to provide a brief word of warning; Spiritomb are very temperamental, most likely due to having a hundred different people each trying to exert a larger amount of control than the others. They will lash out violently and without warning for seemingly no reason. This is normal, should be ignored, lest you simply encourage it to keep acting out. If you're having trouble, just remember that training Spiritomb is similar to disciplining a spoiled child, except in this case the spoiled child can kill you if you're not careful. Maybe you should carry some holy water just in case.

For all the trouble that goes into training it, you're probably wondering whether Spiritomb is worth it or not. Not really. Spiritomb's main attraction is its single weakness to Fairy types, but that doesn't make up for its somewhat lackluster moveset and stats. If you are going to use Spiritomb, it will most likely be in a defensive role, since its other stats are nothing to write home about. Even then, it's crippled by relatively low health. Calm Mind can help make up for this, but it won't do much against several of the more commonly seen Pokémon such as Tyranitar or Garchomp.

I couldn't help but notice that Spiritomb has an even split in terms of gender ratios. I don't know how the fuck that works, and frankly I don't think I want to, but I'll waste some time and wonder aloud about it. How the fuck do people tell the difference between a male ghost and a female ghost? Do they bring in psychics and ask the spirits or some shit? How do they make out any specific sentences among the hundred or so people all fighting to be heard? This shit confuses me to no end. Also, who the fuck cared enough to take a look at a Spiritomb and ask if it had a dick or not? Who the fuck thinks of shit like that?


	59. Dugtrio

**Derpédex Chapter 59: Dugtrio**

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><p>Can we not? Please? I'd very much rather do almost anything other than Dugtrio, simply because it seems almost too easy. I don't need to sit here and provide insightful commentary on something devoid of things to be insightful about, god dammit, I can go out and make something of my life. Assuming people are still willing to hire felons, of course. Hey, if someone comes up to you and offers you a job typing bullshit out about Pokémon for a decent pay, it's better to just run and tell an adult that a stranger was trying to harass you, that way you'll still be able to live a life that doesn't suck.<p>

I apologize, I seem to have gotten my notes on Dugtrio mixed up with the notes of my autobiography, though I assure you they're both equally as bland and uninteresting, so it's not much of a difference in quality. As always, I'll begin with the obvious; someone took three dildos, drew faces on them, and then stuck them in the ground, giving us Dugtrio. I happen to be an expert in the field of phallic objects and imagery, so I can confirm that this is what happened.

I don't understand how it breeds. Clearly there are some shenanigans going on underground that nobody is aware of, though I'm still not sure how it works, since there would be a small earthquake every time two of them decided to start dancing the forbidden dance. Doing the horizontal boogie. Attacking the pink fortress. Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town. Fucking. Cities would be shaken, and the loss of life would be mild, but it would be irritating, like someone breaking into your house and doing nothing but moving your refrigerator five inches to the left, upending all your chairs, and tilting all your pictures.

So, let's just get the obvious out of the way; nobody knows what's going on under the surface. Nobody. We don't know if Dugtrio really is nothing but three dildos with faces, or if there's an entire body down there, or what. This is partly because nobody cares enough to bother checking, but mainly because everyone's a little afraid of what they might find down there. It could be an entire subterranean community of tiny people controlling three cylindrical machines that are advanced to appear to have emotions, but really don't. Could you live with yourself, knowing that something like that lurks underneath the Earth's surface and is capable of levelling cities if it sets its mind to it? And don't say you could, because we both know that's a lie.

You're probably wondering how it can dig through the Earth at sixty miles per hour if it doesn't seem to have any arms. Well, luckily for you, that's something that I can answer. You see, Dugtrio digs through the ground by bobbing its three heads very rapidly, which serves to push soil out of the way. This is surprisingly effective for some reason, and somehow doesn't injure Dugtrio in any way. I don't really understand, but that's just how it works, I guess. Once again I am forced to reveal just how little we know about Pokémon due to just how fucking weird some of this shit is.

Dugtrio are, oddly enough, staunch environmentalists who are known for planting trees in order to revitalize areas that need it. Once again, how this is done without arms is unknown. I guess they just kind of push the seeds along until they get to a good area to plant them at, and then bury them, or something. I have no idea how they get water to the trees once they've planted them, though. I assume they just wait for it to rain, since they don't seem to have developed an effective method of irrigation yet.

So, it still isn't clear whether or not Dugtrio is one being with three parts that are all connected to something, or whether or not it's just three Diglett that decided to work together since it means easier tunneling. Personally, I like to think that it's just set up the same way as Magneton is, minus the magnetic charge, of course. Or maybe not. Maybe it really is three Diglett held together through magnetism. Sure, let's go with that. Why the fuck not? What is clear is that all the Diglett share the same consciousness, since they all seem to think the same way. Unfortunately. Personally, I find the idea that there would be three Pokémon controlling one body and all arguing over how best to use it hilarious.

Now for the question you're all dying to know: is it good in battle? Meh. It's okay. It's fast as fuck, which sounds surprising until you remember that whole thing about how it can burrow through the dirt at sixty miles per hour, and then it makes sense. It can also learn some weird fucking moves, such as Scratch, Fury Swipes, and Aerial Ace, though how it can use those is not entirely clear, but whatever, anything to help it break free of mediocrity. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Dugtrio is, above all else, mediocre. It's fast, but it can't take hits or fight back very well. It can use Earthquake, which helps compensate for this, but then again, so can everything, so it doesn't really get any points for that. Overall, you're better off using something that's actually above average, since there's no fucking reason why you should ever use a Dugtrio unless you enjoy paying people money after getting the shit beaten out of you.


	60. Jirachi

**Derpédex Chapter 60: Jirachi**

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><p>Finally, something I can't get completely mad about. Jirachi is kind of cool. It grants wishes and shit, which I think just about everyone can appreciate for obvious reasons. Of course, there are still some issues, though to be fair just about every Legendary Pokémon has these problems. The biggest one is that nobody is fucking sure how many of these things exist at any given time in the world. I'm seeing some reports that say only one exists while others have claimed to have seen more than one, so I don't really know which to believe. The next problem is that nobody knows how to fucking get it to show up. Some claim that you can just find it in the mountains, which I must say is very anticlimactic for something that's supposed to be a Legendary Pokémon, while others say that it only shows up when some giant space rock called the Millennium Comet which only shows up for a week every thousand years, though I'm going to call bullshit on that since too many people have claimed to have seen Jirachi active when the thing wasn't around for it to be true, and because I'm not going to listen to any more theories involving Pokémon and rocks. I don't think I have to explain why.<p>

Jirachi is paranoid that people will try and molest it in its sleep, so it forms a crystalline shell around itself for protection. I can't blame it for having this fear, since it's very small and vulnerable and because I have the same fear myself, though my protection is a .357 magnum and not some pansy-ass crystal that anyone with a drill could break through. Anyway, provided whoever wants to get to Jirachi doesn't have a set of power tools or a heavy, blunt object nearby, this form of protection works quite well. Of course, in order for someone to break the crystal and grab Jirachi, they'd have to find it first, which would involve wandering across several mountains in various regions since the little bastard is smart enough to change hiding spots whenever it hibernates, so maybe the fact that it's remained relatively unbothered for the past few years is due more to the fact that nobody gives enough of a shit to go looking for it rather than the fact that they can't get through the crystal. Even if someone can find the mountain where Jirachi is hiding and get through the crystal, the Pokémon is entirely capable of fighting without waking up, so they'd still have to deal with that first.

If you're wondering how any data on Jirachi exists in the first place, it's because some dedicated motherfuckers took a ton of equipment into the mountains and started looking for it after receiving a large grant from the government. Seems like kind of a waste of taxpayer money when people are starving and dying of cancer, but whatever, I'm not the one running a country. Also, some shitkids managed to find Jirachi when the Comet rolled around a few years back or some shit, I don't really know because I think I was still in elementary school at the time and the only things I cared about were video games, sugary breakfast cereal, and cartoons. Still, what an unbelievable series of coincidences that I'm only kind of surprised to have learned about, given that the world seems to run off of conveniences whenever it damn well pleases. For example, apparently the group that found Jirachi when the Comet stopped by for a week contains a guy who has met just about every Legendary Pokémon in the world at some point. That's fucking bullshit, what the hell makes that loser so special? He's challenged like six different Pokémon leagues and lost every single one, why does he get to meet them instead of some other fucker who's actually not a failure at life?

As previously mentioned, Jirachi has the power to grant wishes. Kind of self-explanatory, given that it's classified as the Wish Pokémon, but whatever. How it grants these wishes is still up for debate, though. Apparently the kids who found it a few years back claim that they just asked for shit to happen and it just kind of happened, but some guys who own an old library take issue with that claim, saying that some ancient shitty books they found say you need to write your wish on one of the three tabs hanging from Jirachi's head. Sounds like bullshit, since someone who wanted to make a very long, very specific wish would get screwed, and also because there's nothing stopping some greedy motherfucker from just flipping Jirachi over and writing on the back of the tabs for double the wishes. The wishes also apparently run on standard wish rules, meaning you can't wish for more wishes like an asshole and can't ask for anything to be created, whatever you want is taken from somewhere else in the world and given to you making you an indirect thief, not that you should care about that since there is zero chance of someone catching you for it unless the item is very specific. Overall, the wishes sound somewhat underwhelming and barely worth the trouble if you wish for an object but fucking amazing if you wish for something like superpowers. Hopefully Jirachi isn't an asshole genie that likes to make wishes backfire, though I suspect it really is because all wish granters are giant dicks.

From what little battle data exists, Jirachi seems like it's actually kind of shitty. It's a jack of all trades, certainly, but the fact that it's only okay at everything instead of being fucking awesome at just one holds it back. Despite this, it's still good enough to destroy anyone who tries to wake it up, so it's best to just not even bother searching for it in the first place and remain just as mediocre and average as everyone else.


	61. Chandelure

**Derpédex Chapter 61: Chandelure**

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><p>Are you excited? Because I'm not. I've mentioned before that I hate Ghost type Pokémon, for various reasons that I will most likely end up restating since I do believe it's been awhile since I aired my list of grievances and was allowed to cut loose and bitch about something. To put it simply, Chandelure somehow manages to completely encompass a good amount of bullshit that pisses me off about Pokémon. I'm not having a very good time, if you couldn't already tell.<p>

So, what makes Chandelure so bad? For starters, it's a fucking lamp. I don't get it at all. Which came first, the Pokémon or the human-made creation? Because, if fossils are anything to go by, then Pokémon have been around for about as long as humans have been, which is pretty damn long for those of you who aren't good at history, and is certainly longer than however long we've had lamps for. Don't get me wrong, lamps were probably one of the first things invented in some form once we discovered fire since any idiot can tell that light is good and being able to carry a small light with you into a dark place is very helpful when trying to avoid the scary things that lurk in the shadows, but that still doesn't explain why there's a Pokémon based off of something that didn't exist at the time. Actually, you know what just occurred to me? Maybe I'm looking at this whole thing the wrong way. Maybe Chandelure and its pre-evolutions did come first, and they served as the inspiration for the creation of the first lamp, although this is pretty fucking stupid since being lit up like a fucking Christmas tree is a massive evolutionary disadvantage, since any moron would see the flames in the distance and know to stay the fuck away. Then again, maybe it didn't matter, since Chandelure is a ghost and can't really die. Or can it? How the fuck do Ghost Pokémon work? Can someone explain it to me, please? I'm still confused as to whether Ghost types are things that have actually died and come back as ghosts, or whether they're actually living things that we just like to call ghosts out of convenience. I'm leaning towards the latter, considering that Ghost types can hatch out of eggs and what have you.

Don't ask me how they managed to figure this out, but someone apparently managed to discover that Chandelure live off of spirits. They hypnotize people with their flames, then burn their spirits and absorb them for sustenance, leaving their victims as lifeless husks. I'm not entirely how this works because it's pretty supernatural, and supernatural stuff is kind of outside my jurisdiction considering that I am but a mere mortal, albeit a heavily armed and cynical one who's stopped caring about anything save for alcohol and explosions, which kind of places me above the average man, but that's not important right now. What is important is trying to figure out what it means to burn someone's spirit. Clearly, spirits actually do exist, and they can also apparently be harmed, though not by traditional means of harming someone. No, you've got to get supernatural on that spirit's ass in order to hurt it. Actually, before I move on, I should probably mention that I'm also confused as to how consuming a spirit as a source of food even works. There doesn't seem to be much nutritional value there, it seems comparable to eating a big plate of air, so unless Chandelure have some way of first enriching the spirit with essential nutrients needed for survival and then draining those nutrients, I'm going to assume that they don't actually need to consume spirits and are just doing it for shits and giggles, which I can't really take issue with because it does actually seem kind of funny.

Guess how you get a Chandelure from a Lampent. Go on, guess. That's right, you use an evolutionary stone. Now, I've mentioned before how I dislike evolutionary stones because they don't make any sense, but I think I'm going to go ahead and mention it again. I don't understand how a rock can contain enough energy that it can cause a Pokémon to immediately change into something completely different from what it started with. Moreover, I don't understand where the stones would obtain that energy from in the first place. The Dusk Stone, for example is supposed to be a representation of the power of dusk, of course, but how would it become imbued with that power in the first place? When the sun sets, does some random fucking rock turn purple and become energized enough to cause a spontaneous change in certain Pokémon? What the hell makes dusk so amazing and powerful that it gets its own rock, anyway? Why not something like ice, which seems much more powerful? It's almost like something is determining at random which parts of nature get evolutionary stones and which parts get screwed out of one.

So how does it do in battle? Meh. It's okay, I guess. Nothing to really write home about. Don't get me wrong, it can give out hits like a motherfucker, it's just not nearly fast enough to take full advantage of that massive attack power. Also, it's weak to Earthquake and Surf, two of the most common moves out there. If it gets hit with one of those, it's pretty much game over. Also, once you've evolved your Lampent into Chandelure, it doesn't learn any more moves, so you'd better figure out what moves you want your Lampent to know before you evolve that motherfucker, because there's no turning back from that point unless you feel like dropping a bunch of money on TMs. Overall, it's not really worth getting a Chandelure since you'll have to put in a lot of time training up a Lampent first and it will constantly try and burn your soul.


	62. Delibird

**Derpédex Chapter 62: Delibird**

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><p>For once, I'm actually a little excited. My dick is literally bursting through my pants right now, I'm so excited. Why am I excited? Because I get to talk about Christmas, which is one of the few holidays I don't completely hate. Why do I get to talk about Christmas? Because I get to do Delibird, and Delibird delivers presents, and presents mean Christmas, and Christmas means I stop drowning my sorrows in booze while wondering where it all went wrong for a day.<p>

So, let's just state the obvious for starters; yes, Delibird like to deliver presents to just about any living thing that will accept them, and no, nobody knows why they do this. Wouldn't hurt to speculate, and that's where I come in. Settle down, children, it's time for story time. So, my theory goes a little something like this: long ago, it was the past. I mean really long ago. Like, fossil Pokémon were still walking the Earth, T.V. was still worth watching, and the internet was still seen as that mystical power that granted low-resolution pictures of tits and nasty, unshaven pussy since the cancer that is social media wasn't invented just yet. Back in this wild time, where only the most physically imposing would survive, with the exception of Pokémon such as Mantyke, which is, for all intents and purposes, an evolutionary anomaly, since nothing that cute should have lived very long, it was important to stay a cut above the other species, lest your own face extinction. In order to do this, each species had a different method. For example, humans stopped beating each other with rocks and sticks and started banding together and crafting tools, Kecleon mastered its camouflage, and Haxorus kept being a badass motherfucker. Delibird took a look at all these scrubs and plebeians and decided to find another way, and it did so after a quick gathering trip where it stored what it had found in its tail. That's when it found the answer it had been looking for: it would find Pokémon bigger and tougher than it and provide them with supplies, and in return it would receive protection. For some reason, this worked surprisingly well, despite the fact that there was nothing stopping the other Pokémon from just eating Delibird or something. And so, Delibird were born with the desire to give things of little monetary value to others, not as an act of good will, but as an act of self-preservation in a world that killed off dumb motherfuckers and Kabuto and Kabutops, for whatever reason.

In case you were wondering, and I know you were, that's not a bag that Delibird carry around, it's their tail. I don't know about you, but knowing about that makes me marginally less interested in whatever they want to give me. Well, that and the fact that most of the stuff they give is shit picked up off the ground. If I wanted some random jerk-off to give me trash and expect me to graciously accept it, I'd go work at a pawn shop. Anyway, that's not the point I was trying to make, what I wanted to say is I'm not comfortable touching anything that's been that close to a bird's ass, especially not garbage.

I don't understand how it flies. Delibird are most certainly capable of flight, I know because I've seen it happen before, but I'm not sure how it works. Does it just flap its arms really hard and fast? How does it manage to produce enough lift to propel itself off the ground through this method, since it doesn't seem to flap its arms especially fast. Maybe it flaps them so fast that it appears they're moving slowly, when they're actually moving really fucking fast. Or maybe it's got a jetpack, or maybe it uses some magic bullshit, or something. I don't know, and frankly I'm somewhat past the point of caring, can we move on yet?

Gather 'round once more, kids, because it's time for another story. I'm gonna tell you the story of Christmas. Once upon a time, there was this old Jewish guy who got nailed to a piece of wood. He was actually pretty important, since he was the son of God and all that. So now we have a special day where we remember him. No words yet on how this contradicts with the fact that Arceus created the universe and we know he exists, but I'm sure we'll get one eventually. Anyway, as for how the gift giving thing came about…well, that's another story, but an interesting one. Basically, some fat fuck saw a bunch of Delibird giving each other supplies and decided it would be pretty fucking cool if people did that, too. So, Christmas was solidified as the day of rampant consumerism where everyone gets free shit from each other. Also, everyone eats dinner about three hours early for some reason that even I don't know about.

Delibird have managed to turn the act of gift-giving into an attack. It's called Present, and it works by them basically giving the target a bomb. Now, I take issue with this. When Delibird gives someone a bomb, it's totally normal and nobody cares, but when I do it, the police get called and I have to shoot my way out. That's not very fair. If we're going to treat Pokémon as our equals, then they should be subject to our laws as much as we are, otherwise we're not really equal, are we?

I'd take this time to talk about the pros and cons of using a Delibird in battle, but there's really nothing to say. There's a reason why nobody important uses one, and that reason is because Delibird is shit. Seriously, Delibird fucking sucks. There is no reason to use one, ever. Sorry to the one guy who actually likes Delibird, but it's true. However, there is a solution: get another favorite Pokémon that isn't objectively terrible.


	63. Gengar

**Derpédex Chapter 63: Gengar**

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><p>Welcome back to another round of "Pokédex for Cheap Assholes and Poor People". I've never referred to the product of my employment as such before, but that's not important right now. What is important is that I make you aware of some of the dangers of Pokémon training, so sit down and stop jerking off for a few minutes while I spread some wisdom. For starters, if you train Pokémon, your dick will fall off andor your vagina will close up. That's how it begins. Next, you will start pissing urine. If this happens, you should immediately seek help, because that's not something that should happen. Finally, you'll die. What does any of this have to do with the current Pokémon I'm set to be discussing? Only _everything_, you just don't realize it yet. But you will, and when that time comes, it will serve you well.

So, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but sometimes I actually travel out of my dimly-lit house in order to feel the sun's rays on my pale, albino-like skin in a futile effort to not become a real-life Boo Radley, and when that happens, people recognize me for various reasons, like that time I used my neighbor's sports car to test the slam-fire feature on my Ithaca 37, or the time I let all my more aggressive Pokémon go nuts in the sporting goods store, but sometimes I get recognized as that guy who writes the shitty Pokédex, and when that happens, people always give me suggestions as to which Pokémon I can talk about next, except they always make sure to tack something on at the end ensuring I don't talk too badly about it.

"Hey, can you do Meganium? Just don't talk about why they're such semen demons, because they're my favorite."

"Hey, can you do Armaldo next? Just don't say anything bad about it, because if you find anything bad to say, you probably just weren't using it right."

You know, shit like that. Well, I've got a better idea. How about I don't do that, and instead ignore every suggestion that's been given to me so far because anyone willing to actually speak to me under their own power isn't worth listening to.

Gengar is a Ghost-type Pokémon, though that should be obvious to just about anyone with eyes. I've discussed my displeasure with Ghost-types before, but I'll restate it once again for those of us just stopping by. I dislike Ghost-types because I don't understand what the fuck they're all about. Were they born dead, or are they the spirits of those who actually died, or are they both, since nobody knows what happens once something dies and Ghost-types can be hatched from eggs? Also, how come they're so fucking spooky? Just because they're dead doesn't mean that they have to be scary, so they shouldn't have any reason to act all terrifying, yet they still do. Maybe they're all just a bunch of assholes. That would make sense, considering that Gengar are gigantic assholes. I don't believe I've discussed that yet, so allow me to elaborate: Gengar love playing all kinds of pranks and tricks on people for no reason other than shits and giggles. So do Haunter and Ghastly, but to a lesser extent. It's like Gengar exist solely to be assholes and prank the fuck out of people. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a good prank, so I'm not some fucking giant killjoy, but I can recognize that there's a point where it needs to stop, even if that point is far higher for me than most other people. Gengar, on the other hand, do not have the same idea. They will prank people to the point where the victim goes absolutely fucking crazy from it, and they will laugh while doing it, though that's kind of a given considering that's probably why they were pranking the hell out of that person to begin with. These pranks can take many forms, from the classic thumb tack on the chair to possessing a person's shadow and making it breakdance while the person is just walking normally, or they'll just move everything in the person's house around while they sleep, or just cut someone's brake lines. Basically, they can be as petty or as serious as they want, which make them nasty fuckers to deal with. The only way to get rid of a Gengar once it's set its sights on you is to out-prank it. I have no tips to give here, for once, so have fun.

Gengar evolve from Haunter through trading. As if the world didn't have enough weird methods for evolution already. How did this method work before Pokémon could be captured? Were there just not any Gengar? Speaking of evolution, Gengar can also mega evolve. I've mentioned this before so I'll keep it brief, but Mega Gengar is basically regular Gengar turned up to eleven. It's better at everything, including pranking. It's the trickster to end all tricksters, and it's not bad in battle, either.

Speaking of battle, that's what you really want to hear about, isn't it? Well, for those of you focused on building the best team possible, for once I have good news. Gengar actually kicks ass in battle, due primarily to its combination of speed and power. Getting hit by a Gengar is similar in sensation to being hit by a speeding train, except the train won't put a tack on the ground an instant before you land flat on your ass. Mega Gengar is also amazingly good in battle. The phrase "completely, unfathomably broken" comes to mind when discussing it, it's that damn good. Perhaps the only problem for both of them is that neither can tank hits very well, and if you disagree, you probably just weren't using it right.

So, should you use Gengar? I don't fucking care, honestly. I guess, if you like getting pranked to the point of insanity. If that gives you a boner, then sure, go ahead. Also, I should mention: if you use Gengar in battle, people will hate you for it, and they're right to do so, because you're probably a massive fucking tool who hates fun. So, do the benefits outweigh the risks? Once again, I do not care. I don't get paid to care, I get paid to sell cheap alternatives to useful training equipment. I'm like the old, used-up whore with a tiny-yet-still-completely-visible-penis compared to the expensive prostitutes, in that regard. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some corporate bigshots to report to, so go have fun with your demon-battle-clown or whatever it is kids these days do.


	64. Xatu

**Derpédex Chapter 64: Xatu**

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><p>Why am I still here? Just to suffer? Every night I can feel my lost dreams, and my former life free of stupid bullshit, even my old level of patience. The hope I've lost…The patience I've lost…It won't stop coming back to haunt me. It's like it's all still there. You feel it too, don't you? I'm gonna break free of this cycle. Just as soon as I get paid, because I need those fat stacks.<p>

Remember when you were young and innocent and thought that Pokémon were all cool and only a few were creepy, as opposed to the blatant stuff of nightmares you recognize most of them now as? I remember. It can be a little easy to forget that I was so innocent once, what with all the shit I'm pointing out in this fucking thing on a regular basis, but I was just as clueless at one point, too.

Talking about Xatu is not an easy task, but I'll do it. I may not be able to do it without getting really fucking pissed off for various reasons, but rest assured that I'll still be able to do it. It's for the best, anyway; I need a way to vent my anger that doesn't involve bullets and alcohol.

So, before we begin, a question for you: what do you think it would be like to see the past in one eye, the future in the other eye, and the present in both, all at the same time? It would drive fucking crazy, that's what it'd be like. And therein lies the explanation for why Xatu are so fucking weird. They're all nuttier than squirrel shit, you see, as a result of their visions. I'm not normally one to offer my sympathies all willy-nilly, but in this particular case I've already downed half a bottle of that pear-flavored Absolut, so I'm much more inclined to do it here than elsewhere. So yeah, I kind of feel sorry for Xatu. And on top of their visions, they're all burdened by the standard psychic abilities, such as reading minds, which certainly isn't helping them at all.

Usually I'd make a comment about how the Pokémon's appearance is an unholy catastrophe of ass or something but in this case I'm going to have to refrain from doing so on account of the fact that I kind of like it. It looks like a totem pole, which fits in nicely with the whole "my brain is being raped due to my psychic abilities and visions and I am unwilling to move because I fear that doing so will cause everything I fear to actually come true". You'll notice I mentioned that Xatu don't like to move very much, which is absolutely true. In addition to looking like totem poles, the fucker move about as much as one, too.

Hey, do you, by chance, happen to see the problem in using a Pokémon that doesn't like to move very much in battle, which would leave it very open to enemy attacks and, coupled with low defenses, result in it, more often than not, being knocked out in the first couple of moves? Or did I just answer my own question? The simple, harsh, unfair truth of the matter is that Xatu simply aren't good at fighting because they're unwilling to move or do much of anything. It can be difficult to even get them to launch an attack, since they fear doing so will result in something bad happening, but there is a way around this. If a Xatu has a strong emotional connection with its trainer it will actually be a formidable fighter. The only trouble is forming that connection in the first place. In addition to moving about as much as a totem pole, Xatu are about as emotional as one, too. They're very introverted, which can make forming a bond with one hard. It requires lots of time and patience to do it, but it can be done. Or you could just cheat and fuck your Xatu, like some people that aren't me do. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I wouldn't put my dick in one, it's just that I prefer my partners to actually do something other than stare at the ceiling the whole time.

So, as you've probably guessed, it can be difficult to get a Xatu to actually respond to outside stimuli. This is not to say they're not listening or that they're stupid, they're just too busy being mindraped to respond in a verbal manner. To compensate for this, all Xatu can communicate through using their wings like one of those flag guys on aircraft carriers. That's called semaphore, as a quick search on the internet has informed me.

Now, I'll admit that I am not a person with a high tolerance level, so my opinion is probably a little bit skewed, but I personally do not think that it's worth it to raise a Xatu. Not just for battling purposes, but for any purpose in general. There is no reason why you should waste the time trying to connect with one when you could be spending that time getting another, lower maintenance Pokémon to not hate your rotten guts. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that part; the fucking things aren't content to reach a certain level and then be cool with you focusing your attention elsewhere for a bit, oh no, that'd be too fucking easy. Instead, they constantly require that you try to pay attention to them once you've already started. This isn't too bad when you've only got a few Pokémon to care for, but if you're someone like me who has too many to count, then it's less simple. You've got to have the patience of a fucking saint to even begin trying to get one into fighting condition, and it is just not worth the effort to do it. Just go train something else. Actually, fuck that, we all know what you're doing. Just go back to playing video games and jerking off like the rest of us, there's no shame in either of those things unless you get caught.


	65. Gothitelle

**Derpédex Chapter 65: Gothitelle**

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><p>It's like there's some unspoken rule that every Psychic Pokémon has to have some weird, freaky bullshit going on underneath the surface. Maybe it has something to do with constantly being bombarded with unwanted thoughts. It was certainly enough to make Psycho Mantis lose his fucking mind, so maybe the truth isn't far off.<p>

I'd like to take the time and remind everyone about the governing rules of waifuism. Number one: only have one waifu, because having too many waifu will ruin your laifu. Number two: raifus don't count as real waifus, therefore it's okay to cuddle up with a rifle and a girl at the same time. Number three: husbandos are acceptable for those of you not into waifus, but it is not acceptable to have both a waifu and a husbando at the same time because this violates rule number one…unless your husbando is incredibly masculine, in which case fuck the rules. Now you're probably wondering, "yo, why the fuck are you talking about all this weird shit, also what's a waifu?" but those questions aren't important right now. What is important is the general message, which in this case is that it's impossible to love both Gardevoir and Gothitelle at the same time, and attempting to do so will bring only pain and suffering. Violating the governing rules of waifuism is one of the worst things any human can do, on par with going to a country music festival, so it is in everyone's best interests to just obey the fucking rules and resist the temptation to be a smartass.

So, is the dress a part of its body, or what? Because that must really suck for the male Gothitelle, since they're essentially crossdressing all the time. Must be embarrassing when they're in the wild attempting to get into the bone zone with someone only to find out the other Pokémon thought they were a girl and is now treating them like the penis repellant they are. Gardevoir has the same problem, though in that case it's mitigated a bit by the fact that male Kirlia can evolve into Gallade unless they're into that kind of thing, in which case several assumptions can be made, none of them suitable for the ears of children. Gothitelle, if it isn't obvious enough, does not have the same chance, so a male is stuck wearing a dress for the rest of his life unless the dress is not actually connected to the rest of the body, in which case none of what was just written holds any relevance beyond being a waste of your time.

So, let's just cut the bullshit and get right to it: is Gothitelle any good? Although it may not look like it, it actually is pretty good. Gothitelle are capable of both giving and receiving good amounts of damage, which when coupled with an impressive movepool makes it quite something in battle. It also has a nice ass, which is what you'll be staring at most of the time while it fights, but know that this is something not generally recommended by competitive battlers since it distracts from other, more important things, though what can be more important than a nice ass is up for debate. Maybe a nice pair of tits, but that comes down to personal preference more than anything, especially since you can't really see those from where you're standing on the field. So, for this combination of powerful battling abilities and bonermancy, Gothitelle gets a solid 'B', signifying that it surprisingly isn't shit and has managed to defy all expectations set for it. You're still better off using something that's so overpowered it's best described as broken, like Salamence, but Gothitelle is a good back-up for it.

Now, after that barrage of positive reinforcement, it's time to tear everything down again by listing the negatives, since I would be doing everyone a disservice by only sucking this thing's dick and not explaining why I hated the taste, proverbially of course. Let's begin with something simple: Gothitelle have shit taste in music. How bad? Oh, let me tell you. First, some background: I'm a man who likes atmospheric black metal, you know, that really depressing shit that makes you want to kill yourself? I can listen to that, but I can't listen to what Gothitelle listen to. It's either some screechy emo kid from Tumblr with an acoustic guitar wailing about slitting their wrists because daddy never loved them and their social justice crusade or regular pop music singing about much of the same. There's only so much shit I can put up with in a single song, and that's too much. I'd rather listen to nails on a chalkboard for two hours than try that shit again. The second, arguably far less severe infraction, is the fact that each and every Gothitelle is completely insane. I probably should have mentioned that a bit more clearly before going on and on about how it has a nice ass underneath that uncomfortable-looking Victorian dress, but it's too late now, so I'll just go with it and hope that not that many people have put their dick in crazy before I had a chance to warn them about it. In addition to being forced to hear everyone's thoughts, Gothitelle can somehow predict the future based on the movement of the stars, and the revelations presented to them regarding things to come make them completely lose it. More specifically, discovering how and when their loved ones will die makes them a little upset. The result of this is that they get far too clingy, to the point where it's impossible to take a piss or rub one out without being interrupted by your Gothitelle. Contrary to popular belief, sex with someone who's insane for you is not the most pleasant experience, as firsthand knowledge has revealed to me. Luckily my raifu was there to help me, or I might not have gotten out of there alive.


	66. Florges

**Derpédex Chapter 66: Florges**

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><p>I've been waiting for the day when someone told me they managed to sexualize plants. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have been, because it would be an understatement to say I'm unhappy with the result. You should see my dick right now, it's retreated so far up into my body it's poking my stomach. It's actually quite something. I'd be concerned if I was actually using it, but we all know the odds of me getting within five feet of a human vagina that's not covered by cloths are slim to none, so it's hardly worth the worry. It's not like I'm incapable of seeing beauty or anything, I do find Pokémon like Lopunny and Gardevoir somewhat pleasing to the eye. Objectively, I mean. They are objectively beautiful. I swear I'm not some kind of degenerate…to your knowledge. You can't prove anything, so don't go there. I have a good lawyer, he's Jewish and knows his shit, so don't go spreading slander about me because I'll find you and take your ass to court. And then probably blow your knees off or something, because that's how I roll.<p>

So, this one's kind of like Gardevoir except it's shitty. They've both got high Special Attack and Special Defense and they're both Fairy type, but Gardevoir is far better than Florges for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is its ability to mega evolve. Hell, you know what? Let's list all the other similar Fairy type Pokémon and see how Florges compares. Five bucks says it sucks compared to most of them. Right, here we go: it's already clear that it's worse than Gardevoir in just about every way, so I'll skip that one. Compared to Sylveon, Florges is hot, steaming garbage. Ditto for Clefable, which completely outclasses it due to an extremely impressive movepool. Klefki outclasses a lot, not the least of which is Florges, so that's another one that counts against it. Togekiss is renowned for being a badass motherfucker, so it goes without saying that it's better than fucking Florges. Azumarill is already known for being a pain in the ass to fight, so it goes without saying that it's better. Carbink, Aromatisse, Granbull, Whimsicott, Dedenne, Mr. Mime, and Wigglytuff are about the only things that Florges actually manages to outclass, but they're fucking worthless compared to the rest of the Fairy types, so there is no good reason to use Florges at all. Unless you enjoy licking people's boots after they decimate your team that is, in which case pick Florges. Hell, pick six of them and use them all at once. Put your dick in them before your enemy figuratively castrates you. But do it in the dark, because Florges is a gross plant creature with an ass so flat you could use it as a coffee table.

I've met a lot of strange people in my time spent trawling across the internet from one community to the next, slowly demolishing each one via social engineering for my own amusement. I once met a guy who fucked his car. Said the leather upholstery and wood paneling made his dick do a little dance every time he stepped inside. Another guy I met liked to stick vials of crack up his ass. I don't know why he did this, but I can only assume it was for something other than shits and giggles, since that doesn't seem very funny except to everyone else. But in all my years, I've never met anyone who has claimed to find Florges attractive. Maybe it's the fact that it's got this weird uncanny valley thing going with the whole supermodel look. Maybe it's the fact that nobody wants to smell like a garden after a roll in the sack, or the fact that nobody without severe mental problems gets a hard-on from plants. Whatever the reason may be, one thing is clear: there's nobody alive that wants to give Florges the dick, and that's kind of sad, since it means Florges will never get laid because it's a species made up entirely of females that can asexually reproduce. Wonder how we discovered that. Are we just referring to it as a female because it looks kind of like a human female wearing a stupid outfit, or is there actually a working vagina down there? Is it made out of leaves with a little flower on top, or some shit? I don't know, I'm not gonna fucking check. I've done a lot of shit for money, but that's a line that even I'm not willing to cross. I'll stick to stealing cans from my neighbor's recycling bin and turning them in for five cents each, thank you.

For those of you who have only seen a picture of Florges, you're probably wondering how they actually manage to walk anywhere. The two giant leaves are just for show, they do nothing at all, believe it or not. Well, they do confuse people, but that's not really what I meant. Florges really move by kind of just shuffling along the ground a little bit. It makes a sound equivalent to a fat girl's thighs rubbing against each other as she walks, in case you were wondering. They're actually able to do it much faster than most people think they're able to, which works great for surprising an opponent during a fight, although it really only works one time before they adjust to the weirdness factor and are no longer fazed by it. That's not a bad thing, if you're fighting a three year old. And not one of those prodigy children that are surprisingly good at battling, I'm talking about those dumbass three year olds that can barely tell right from left because they're fucking three. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and have the first hit be a really good one. Just don't be surprised when your opponents tanks the hit and tears you a new asshole afterwards. Who am I kidding, anyone who uses Florges most likely already knew what they were getting into when they caught it, anything that happens to them is well-deserved, I say. Let 'em lose, maybe then they'll get better taste in Pokémon.


	67. Bulbasaur

**Derpédex Chapter 67: Bulbasaur**

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><p>Welcome, friend. If you're reading this, it could mean several things: that you've purchased it with your own money for some unfathomable reason instead of saving up for a regular Pokédex like a normal person, that you picked this up off a passed out drunk guy and have just recently gotten around to cleaning the vomit out of it and decided to take a look inside, or that you found it in the garbage, which, given how the initial tests went, is not exactly too far out of left field to write off. In any case, one thing is clear; you're here, I wrote this shit, so we might as well do something about it. Who knows, you might learn something if we're both careful. Speaking of something, that's certainly what you're in for. Whether it's good or bad depends entirely on your point of view at the time, so to prevent yourself from slitting your own wrists, I highly recommend you smoke a fatty or something.<p>

I'm a bit mad about this one because I feel like the name is too long. How am I supposed to read all of that while shoving things into my face hole at the same time? Anyway, this one has all the qualities I like in a Pokémon, which is to say it has all none of them. It's got that soulless, thousand-yard-stare reminiscent of a soldier that just watched his best friend take a bullet through the jugular and choke to death on their own body juices. It's got that baby shit green color scheme going for it. It's got that weird mixture of plant and animal that probably caused more than one biologist to have a nervous breakdown. Frankly, there's not a single physical quality about Bulbasaur that I don't find absolutely repulsing. Bulbasaur is basically the Gomer Pyle of the Pokémon world, except Gomer Pyle was actually really good at one thing, and Bulbasaur is kind of shit at everything, not the least of which is looking good.

Assuming you own a Bulbasaur, there is really no good reason why you shouldn't immediately set out to evolve it into an Ivysaur. Don't get me wrong, Ivysaur is also really bad, but it's still ahead of Bulbasaur. It's like being given the choice to eat roadkill versus eating roadkill with a little salt and pepper on it; you lose either way, but at least a little bit of the taste is masked in the latter.

There are a few positive things that Bulbasaur has going for it, though they are few and far between. The first is that you don't need to feed it since it gets all its energy through photosynthesis. You do need to actually let it wander out in the sun during the day for this though, and if the sun's blocked out, like it's raining or some shit, then Bulbasaur is going hungry for a while. So, I guess that's not much of a plus for it after all. But at least it still has the other one, which is that it's good with kids. Can't really complain about that unless I feel like complaining about kids as well. Luckily for you, I actually do feel like complaining about kids. Kids are annoying little shits whose mission in life is to fuck people up in the most annoying, petty ways imaginable. They won't do any big shit like break into your house and rape your wife while you're away, but the will scratch their initials into your car and then claim it was the _other _kid that has those exact same initials from their school, like you're a fucking retard for even suggesting that it was actually them. The fact that anyone would willingly care for them is a sign that they're probably not worth your time to bother with, and this goes double for Bulbasaur. The moral of this story is don't have kids, and if you do have kids, give them to some other sucker to take care of, you've got a life to live.

In addition to being a complete waste of space, Bulbasaur are also expensive as hell. This is because they're rare as shit. Now, this is some fuck, and let me tell you why. There's some kind of global breeding conspiracy to keep cheap Bulbasaur out of the hands of the everyman, you hear? The starter Pokémon breeding companies have banded together and have decided to influence the supply of Bulbasaur in order to drive up prices, because they know that idiots keep buying this useless piece of shit because of stupid reasons and that they're willing to pay out the dick in order to get one. It's all a part of the new world order. One day it's Bulbasaur, and the next we're all in FEMA camps having our foreskins cut off to be used in inhuman medical experiments. So if you find a Bulbasaur, sell that bitch for mad cash online before the global elite ship everyone outside of their inner circle off to government camps. Oh wait, you won't, because they almost never appear in the wild since they've all been domesticated to be used for breeding, which leads us back to square one. Don't say I never warned you when some doctor starts advancing towards your dick with pincers in hand ready to do God knows what to you.

I could talk about how Bulbasaur performs in battle, but there's really not much to say. It just fucking sucks, same as every other basic Pokémon. The only reason to use it is because it's your starter Pokémon and you haven't evolved it or caught anything better yet. If you are using it past that point, consider getting your head checked out because there's probably a screw or two loose up there. Or maybe your strategy is to have your opponent laugh at you so hard they can't concentrate on giving orders, allowing you to pelt them with attacks that do barely any damage until you win, in which case you're some kind of stupid genius and everyone else should take notes. You're also probably retarded, but hey, you win some and you lose some.


	68. Charizard

**Derpédex Chapter 68: Charizard**

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><p>Let me begin by saying that ya'll are some weird motherfuckers, you know that? I'm not really sure what I expected when I first started doing research, but it certainly wasn't the large amount of Charizard porn I found, though in retrospect given the usual behavior of people on the internet I probably shouldn't be surprised. See, I don't get my rocks off to Pokémon. It's all monster girls all the time for me these days. For the most part. Don't look at me like that, we've all had that one jack off session we regret. Or those fifty, in some people's cases. But I digress, we're here because it's time to talk about Charizard, and oh boy oh boy, there's much to talk about. Let go of your dick for five minutes and focus because this is some important shit, kiddo.<p>

First thing I'll say is that you should never bring up the fact that Charizard have tiny arms. That's kind of a good way to get yourself set on fire. It's like telling a woman how fat you think she is or asking someone who goes on Tumblr to stop being a gigantic fag; you just don't do it. Just kidding, Tumblr. I do hate you though. Nah, I'm just messing with you. Except I'm not. No, I didn't mean it. But I actually did. No, you can't hate an entire community of people. Just how insufferable every single one of them is. No, you're pretty okay. But you should really suck start a 12 gauge. Anyway, my point is that you should never talk about a Charizard's arms because they're self-conscious about it, and it's quite easy to understand why when you realize it must be really hard for them to pick up anything.

Don't ever let that flame on a Charizard's tail go out, because it will die, same as Charmander and Charmeleon. I don't know how such a fatal flaw was able to make it through evolution. It's kind of like if Achilles's heel was actually his entire leg rather than just his heel. On the other hand, if you really need to kill a Charizard, you can just throw a water balloon at it, although it will take a little bit more water than you'd think because it's surprisingly durable. Just bring a fire hose and you're good to go, just mind the gigantic angry dragon breathing fire at you. If you're wondering just how hot Charizard's fire breath is, the answer is pretty fuckin' hot. By that, I mean that it's hot enough to melt fucking boulders, so it's a good idea to make sure you put out its tail on the first shot. Or you could, you know, just shoot it with a gun of suitable power. Like a Swiss K-31. Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about the K-31. Damn, that's a sexy-ass rifle. Straight pull bolt, 7.5x55mm Swiss caliber, six round magazine… Sorry, I got lost in the moment. I don't have a boner right now, I swear.

If you're going to raise a Charizard, and you most likely will want to, since Charizard kick ass, then you need to know that they are some vain motherfuckers. If they don't think you're capable of handling them, they will let you know every step of the way. The only way to win back their respect is to beat the hell out of them in a fight, so hopefully the karate skills you picked up at that McDojo down the street are actually worth something against a two hundred pound dragon. No, that's not a type, Charizard only weigh around two hundred pounds on average. Seems like a load of bullshit to me. The damn things average about 5'7" in height with a pot belly like that and they only weigh two hundred pounds? I could fucking bench press a Charizard with no issue if that shit's true. I'm calling bullshit on that. I'd do some tests, but while I do have a Charizard, I don't have an adequately sized scale to take measurements with. Can't just use a regular scale 'cuz that big motherfucker won't fit on it. So, until I get a better scale, I'm just going to settle with calling bullshit.

For those of you who haven't been keeping up with the recent battling scene, you should know that Charizard is fucking amazing at battling and is always in high demand. People will pay top dollar for a properly bred Charizard, or even a Charmeleon or Charmander. In addition, the mega stones needed to mega evolve it go for an even more insane amount. Want to get that competitive edge like all the other tryhards? Hope you're fine with taking out another mortgage on your house, donating some sperm, and selling a kidney or two in order to afford the necessary tools. Done all that? Good. Now we can talk about what makes the two mega evolutions different. They're both badass, so if you're just looking for something you can use to dominate scrubs with, it really doesn't matter which one you pick. For everyone else, Mega Charizard X can abuse Dragon Dance to the point where no one else can even come close to matching it, and Mega Charizard Y is almost impossible to counter as long as the sun is bearing down on the arena. The only problems is that they're both still outsped by equally as powerful Pokémon, though these Pokémon are, admittedly, few and far between to the point where they're not worth worrying too much about. The biggest danger when using Charizard is that nobody will want to battle you anymore because using Charizard is akin to pressing an instant win button unless your opponent is also packing a Charizard. Personally, I think those hypothetical people have a point, because nobody wants to go into a battle with a foregone conclusion, especially not when that conclusion is that they're going to fucking lose.


	69. Weezing

**Derpédex Chapter 69: Weezing**

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><p>Next up we have Weezing. Pretty shitty, but you'll probably use it anyway at some point just because Koffing are so easy to get. The biggest thing to remember is that Weezing doesn't just smell and look like shit, it performs like it as well. I recommend you enter with low expectations and exit with even lower expectations.<p>

For an idea of what Weezing is like, consider this: just about every other Pokémon is sexualized by degenerates, even those that have nothing going for them in terms of attractiveness. Weezing is one of the rare few to have very little porn made of it. I'll admit, I was a little surprised considering all the pores it has, but still, I'm glad to see that even degenerates have standards. Sometimes. I haven't forgotten that time I got drunk and decided to search for Muk porn. It's literally liquid garbage, yet I guess some people just can't help themselves knowing it's the closest thing they'll get to a slime girl. Fuck, slime girl fetishists really are the worst, even compared to all the other monster girl fans. Except the cait sith people, who should never be talked about unless specifically telling other people not to talk about them.

I wasn't going to get into the gender ratio, but fuck it, I'm not doing anything else, and it's not like I'll remember tonight after I finish downing this nasty-ass cheap vodka, so let's do it. Koffing has a perfect gender ration of 50/50, meaning there is a male for every female. How they somehow manage this is a mystery, since even humans with all their fancy technology can't do that. Or it could be an estimation. I was under the impression that science was supposed to be precise, not a system of elaborate guess work. The worst part is that some guy sitting at his computer took a look at the actual numbers and said, "fuck that, fifty/fifty is good enough, not like anyone checks that shit anyway 'cuz they'd have to be a fucking loser to do it". Well, guess what? I am a loser, and I want to know what the real numbers are. I'll fucking hijack a bus and start issuing demands if that's what it takes to get the truth, because I'm tired of being lied to. What else do you guys think they're lying about? It could be anything. I'm just going to call bullshit on all scientific discoveries of the last fifty years, just because I can. I encourage the rest of you to do the same. Your move, scientists.

I've never met anyone who actually likes the Koffing family. Sounds like a weird expectation to have, but given that every other Pokémon has fans, it's safe to assume that Koffing and Weezing will, too. So I checked all the main sites on the internet and a few of the weirder ones, but for all my hours of searching, I wasn't able to find anyone. Probably because you'd have to be a cape-clad autistic retard to like being around a floating bag of gas that can be smelled from a mile away, and very few people alive fit that demographic. The only people I know who even tolerate the damn thing are morons who go for a team of all the same types, specifically Poison types. Really, who the fuck picks a monotype team and, perhaps even more confusing, who the fuck picks Poison types, of all the other types? Poison types are fucking hot garbage. Even Bug types are better. At least Bugs get shit like Heracross and Scizor, who kick fucking ass. Poison types get fucking nothing. Geez, life as a Poison trainer must suck, knowing that, no matter what you do, you'll never be anything more than an amateur who enjoys punishment. I imagine the feeling of being so close to victory yet so far is akin to watching another man bang your wife, though admittedly I have never experience either feeling because, even at my lowest, I have been neither a Poison type trainer nor have I been a cuckold. I must say, being able to say that there are people who are even worse off in life than me feels pretty good. I encourage the rest of you to point at these people and laugh hard, for they are truly the lowest of the low.

I believe I made a claim earlier that I would perform much more research in order to validate my increasingly asinine claims. And I lied. However, I feel that I've done a sufficient amount of research to pass judgement on Weezing's battle abilities. I assure you, my research into this matter isn't just good, it's good enough. Based on my discoveries, I have come to the conclusion that, even though I've done nothing but shit on it for eight hundred and sixteen words, Weezing is…completely underwhelming and uninspired at every facet of battling, whether competitive or casual. Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting a different judgement? Well, that's my final conclusion and I'm sticking to it. After all, there's a reason why I did nothing but shit on Weezing for eight hundred and sixteen words. It's not like I'm gonna fucking _stop _shitting on it all of a sudden for no reason. Anyway, let's break it down, shall we? To begin with, Weezing learns only a few good moves, but none of them can be used to form any kind of strategy. The best you could hope for is to throw out a Curse (which you would have to breed for, I must say) and then follow it up with a Sludge Bomb, praying that your Weezing will survive whatever attack is no doubt heading its way courtesy of its more intimidating, more competent opponent. To its credit, it isn't affected by Ground type moves, what with it levitating above the ground and all, but this doesn't make up for the fact that it learns nothing good and doesn't have the stats to back up any of its moves. It's just another shitty fucking Pokémon. Toss it in with the likes of Delibird, lord knows nobody else fucking wants it.


	70. Arceus

**Derpédex Chapter 70: Arceus**

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><p>Ah yes, it's time to talk about the creator of all life as we know it. The big boss. The head honcho. And another title with alliterative appeal. You know him, you love him unless you're an edgy teenager, it's fucking Arceus, the guy who's responsible for all life as we know it.<p>

I'm gonna take you all back to the very beginning for a second to discuss what a monumental achievement it is that this guy decided that it would be fun to create a bunch of mortals to fuck with. There was nothing before this guy. Not even this guy. Then, through events that aren't entirely clear, there was everything, and that everything is continuing to expand into even more everything consisting of cool space shit. I guess he created himself? But that's not the point, really. The point is that this guy made everything. Whether this was a good move or not remains to be seen, though those who believe it was a good move are supported at the very least by the fact that we're all here to second-guess an omniscient being's design choices. On the other hand, cancer. And AIDS. And hangnails. I guess we can call it even for now.

Despite everything good I have to say about Arceus, I do have a bone to pick with him for not giving us all access to QT monster girls. Besides a Mateba autorevolver, a .308 Galil, and recognition for my vast amount of legendary deeds, including such things as "almost sucked my own dick this one time" and "shooting out my neighbor's windows from several hundred feet away and then convincing the police that it was his _other _neighbors, despite the fact that the only windows that were blown out were the ones facing my house", this is the one thing I've ever really wanted, yet it's not real. Even worse is the fact that, since the universe is infinitely expanding, there currently exists, or eventually will exist, a world where cute monster girls continuously lust for the D and there's no one there to give it to them, and our two worlds will never connect. And that's sad. I'd like a moment of silence, please.

There's not much battle data that exists for Arceus since he kind of comes and goes as he pleases and rarely gets into fights with us lower life forms, but everything I've found describes him as the ultimate badass. He's good at everything and shitty at nothing. It's used fucking every TM and HM at some point and can change its type by touching some weird stone plates, so it's got a counter to literally everything that could be thrown at it that's not a bullet, though it probably has a counter to that somewhere, too. It's like someone went to a role playing forum and asked them to create the most overpowered character in existence, and then made that character into a real creature. Arceus doesn't fight fair, which is understandable since if he did that it'd be possible to defeat and then catch him, and being able to tame God is probably some sort of paradox.

It's pronounced "Ar-KEY-us", just so you know. British people get mad if you pronounce it "Ar-SEE-us" because it sounds like you're saying arse, and that's like the British equivalent of nigger or something. Do the Americans have something like that? The closest thing I can think of is "McDonalds is closed".

For a legendary creator God-type being, Arceus isn't exactly what I thought he'd be like. I thought he'd be more majestic, in case you were wondering. Maybe with a little plumage somewhere. It just feels like something is missing, like if I were to meet Jesus and he didn't have a beard or a mullet. It just wouldn't be the same, you know? That's kind of how it feels to me. I'm kind of hoping that Arceus is living in some other plane of existence with one of my 'Dexes and is reading this, and he's just nodding in agreement along with me and decides to use his infinite powers to grow a bunch of feathers. I know he's probably not, but it makes me happy to think that he is, so I'm going to keep thinking it until proven otherwise.

Arceus must be pretty lonely, since he had to create everything in existence. Or maybe he just did it for shits and giggles. Gotta admit, it is pretty funny. We could all just be here because it amused a creature far greater than us, and at any moment, he could snuff out all of creation for the exact same reason. Like I said, pretty funny, but also a little scary. I don't know how I feel about being a cosmic plaything. Better than how I felt in high school, but that's not worth much.

So, here's some food for thought: if Mew is the ancestor of all Pokémon (which is supported in that its DNA is in every Pokémon in the world), then where does Arceus fit in? The only thing I can think of that makes even a little sense is as follows: Arceus created life, the universe, and everything, then created Mew, who then created all other Pokémon from its DNA. But then why not just cut out the middle man and fucking make all the Pokémon in the world itself? Why bother making Mew in the first place? All it does is complicate things any further. And it's not like Arceus isn't powerful enough to make all the Pokémon; the nigga fucking created the entire goddamn universe, I think he can manage a world full of different species. Maybe he's just a fan of bureaucratic nightmares and clusterfucks, so he created Mew just to mess with geneticists. It certainly would fit that whole shits and giggles persona he's got going on, you know.


End file.
